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November 2010 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Jay Explains Why There Are No Leftovers

Nov 29, 2010

Jay Leno: "The original Thanksgiving with the Pilgrims lasted three days. That was before we learned we could eat three days' worth of food in one day."

Jay Leno: "In the latest Harry Potter film, Harry loses his friends, has to battle overwhelming evil forces, and hides in exotic foreign places to avoid public scrutiny. I'm sorry, that's President Obama."

Craig Ferguson: "Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence."

Jimmy Fallon: "The TSA has issued some special packing tips for travelers. They say not to bring food, sharp tools, or any shred of dignity."

Jay and Conan on Pat-downs and Turkeys

Nov 24, 2010

Jay Leno: "The TSA says they will allow pilots to pass through security more easily than before. I'd be happy if the pilots just went through the breathalyzer."

Jay Leno: "Bristol Palin is still on 'Dancing with the Stars.' She gets more votes than anyone else. John McCain picked the wrong Palin."

Jay Leno: "Michelle Obama is expected to announce a plan to put 5,000 salad bars in public schools. They expect as many as three students to use them."

Conan O'Brien: "The turkey that President Obama will pardon this year for Thanksgiving will come from California. A spokesman for the turkey said it doesn't need a pardon, it needs a job."

Thanksgiving Turkeys and a Christmas Tree

Nov 23, 2010

Jay Leno: "At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down."

Jay Leno: "President Obama has a tough decision to make this week. Which turkey does he pardon — the Thanksgiving one or Charlie Rangel?"

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama said GM's comeback would be the success story of this recession. GM said it wanted to thank those who made its recovery possible: Toyota’s brakes, Toyota’s steering and Toyota's accelerator."

David Letterman: "The Capitol Hill Christmas tree is on its way, and once it gets to Washington it'll die in committee."

Jay and Dave Handicap the 2012 Race

Nov 22, 2010

Jay Leno: "In an upcoming interview with Barbara Walters, Sarah Palin says she believes she can beat Obama in 2012. The way things are going right now, Bristol Palin could beat Obama in 2012."

Jay Leno: "I'll tell you how confident Sarah Palin is. She's already started writing her inaugural address on her hand."

David Letterman: "Donald Trump said he's going to run for President in 2012 against Sarah Palin. Now that would be some presidential race. Get some seats down front for those debates: 'You're fired!' 'You betcha!'"

David Letterman: "There's going to be problems when Donald Trump runs. They had a lot of problems with Obama, you wait until Trump runs because the rumor is that thing on his head was not born in this country."

Jimmy and Jay on Those Airport Scanners

Nov 18, 2010

Jimmy Fallon: "The day before Thanksgiving is National Opt-Out Day, where people are being asked to boycott the TSA's full-body scanners. Sponsors of the event say people shouldn't be made to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable while traveling. That's what Thanksgiving with your family is for."

Jay Leno: "It was bad enough when the TSA agents would go through your underwear in your luggage. Now they're going through your underwear while you're wearing it."

Jimmy Fallon: "'The Unemployed American' is in the running for Time magazine's 'Man of the Year.' That must be discouraging, to be on the cover of Time and still no one will hire you."

David Letterman: "President Obama has a children's book. It's called 'How the Grinch Stole the Midterm Elections.'"

Jay Predicts a Fowl Week Ahead

Nov 17, 2010

Jay Leno: "This will be a rough week for President Obama. He's got a lame duck Congress, he has to pardon a turkey, he has to eat crow, and the Chinese just flipped him the bird."

Jimmy Kimmel: "TSA agents can now feel the inside of passengers' thighs. I get more action going through airline security than I did all through high school."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama's picture book for kids is coming out. That's when you know things have changed — when Bush writes a 500-page memoir and Obama hands in a coloring book."

Jimmy Fallon: "Arizona just became the 15th state to approve medical marijuana. So I give it three days before they stop caring about the whole immigration thing."

Jay Christens the Disabled Cruise Liner

Nov 15, 2010

David Letterman: "President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?"

Jay Leno: "A Carnival Cruise liner was disabled and drifted for two days without any power, thus earning the ship the nickname 'The Democratic Party.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "China is expected to overtake the U.S. as the world's biggest economy in the next two years. Americans couldn't believe it. 'That hasn't happened already?'"

Stephen Colbert: "Wall Street hands out new bonuses. Poor people, get prepared to be trickled down on."

Comics Target Bush's Memoirs and Nancy's Party

Nov 12, 2010

Conan O'Brien: "Twenty thousand Indonesians protested President Obama's visit to Indonesia. Apparently, 3 out of 4 Indonesians believe he's an American."

Jimmy Fallon: "I finally read former President Bush's memoir and I've got to say, the book was way better than the presidency."

Jimmy Fallon: "JetBlue is appointing retired Gen. Stanley McChrystal to its board of directors. That's who I want looking for my missing luggage — the guy who's been trying to find bin Laden for 10 years."

Jay Leno: "Nancy Pelosi is throwing a party to celebrate her time as speaker of the House. If you would like to get her a gift, she's registered at Bed, Bath and Don't Blame Me."

More from Jay on the President's Trip

Nov 11, 2010

Jay Leno: "President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money."

Jay Leno: "Obama says India is one of our most important trading partners. We give them our jobs and they give us . . . Wait, what do we get?"

Jay Leno: "The President’s trip was cut short due to volcanic ash. That’s the second time his plans have been disrupted by ash. The last time was when the Democrats went down in flames."

Jimmy Kimmel: "What if Bristol Palin wins ‘Dancing with the Stars?’ She can't dance. She's not a star. The only part of the show that applies to her is ‘with the.’"

Jay and Jimmy on Obama's India Visit

Nov 10, 2010

Jay Leno: "President Obama is in India. You know what they say — go where the jobs are."

Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama signed a $10 billion pact with India this afternoon. He brokered a deal to make India part of the UN security council. And he was able to get a $15 late fee reversed on his Visa card."

Jay Leno: "Nancy Pelosi, who lost her position as Speaker of the House, says she will seek to become the House Minority Leader. And really, who's better qualified to be House Minority Leader than the person who led her party to become a minority in the first place?"

Craig Ferguson: "Hundreds of people in Washington, D.C., reported seeing a UFO today. Aliens, if you’re searching for intelligent life, you’ve got the wrong town."

Dave Breaks Down the Election Results

Nov 09, 2010

David Letterman: "How about those elections? Here's how it breaks down now. We have a Republican House. We have a Democratic Senate. And we have a President with veto power. Smooth sailing, right? No problems there."

Jay Leno: "Well, it looks like John Boehner will be the new Speaker of the House. He is the son of a bartender, one of 12 children. He grew up in a two-room home with just one bathroom, worked his way through school, became the first person in his family to graduate from college. And, sadly, fell in with the wrong crowd and wound up in Congress."

Jimmy Fallon: "In his new book, George W. Bush reveals that he considered dropping Dick Cheney in 2002 to show he was in charge, not Cheney. But then Cheney nixed the idea."

Jay & Co. Survey the New Political Landscape

Nov 08, 2010

Jay Leno: "Tuesday was bad for President Obama. Voters threw away the hope and just went for the change."

Jimmy Fallon: "Everyone is talking about the unemployment rate. This week it went up by about 65 Democrats."

David Letterman: "The President is going to India. He’ll be traveling on Air Force One-Term."

Craig Ferguson: "India is famous for its Darjeeling tea, but President Obama won’t be interested in tea parties of any kind."

Jay and Dave's Post-Election Analysis

Nov 05, 2010

David Letterman: "You can tell it's winter. The Democrats have gone into hibernation."

Jay Leno: "All year long, the Democrats were telling people to 'get out and vote.' Then people told the Democrats, 'We voted, now get out!'"

David Letterman: "Voters didn't like how President Obama was handling the economy. Wait a minute — he was handling the economy?"

Jay Leno: "The Republicans won by a mudslide."

David Letterman: "In Washington today, volunteers were washing the mud off Democrats and releasing them back into the wild."

Jimmy Fallon Calls the Election

Nov 03, 2010

Jimmy Fallon: "The final poll before Election Day shows that 55 percent of Americans plan to vote for Republicans, while 40 percent plan to vote for Democrats. I guess Obama is finally going to get that change he was talking about."

Jimmy Fallon: "It seems most experts are predicting that Republicans will win back the House tomorrow. When Americans heard that, they were like, 'Wait, we can win back our houses?'"

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama sent out an e-mail encouraging his supporters to take at least three friends with them to vote. That's not how people vote — that's how women go to the bathroom."

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