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May 2010 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Jay Isn't Finished with BP; Dave Looks Ahead to the Holiday

May 28, 2010
Jay Leno: "Earlier today, British Petroleum began this operation known as 'top kill,' which comes on the heels of their previous operations, 'fish kill' and 'bird kill.'"

Jay Leno: "According to a White House report, President Obama is becoming more and more frustrated by this whole oil leak thing. He lost his temper today. He reportedly yelled at people, 'Plug the damn hole!' That's the same thing he says whenever Joe Biden starts talking."

Jay Leno: "President Obama announced yesterday he plans to send 1,200 troops to the U.S.-Mexican border. You know who we should hire to protect our border? It's so simple. Mexicans. They want jobs, they're there already."

David Letterman: "Well, Memorial Day weekend is ahead. I know it's only Thursday, but you want to get a jump on being stuck at the airport for 24 hours."

David Letterman: "Memorial Day is the day we honor military heroes with a mattress blowout sale at Sleepy's."

Dave, Jay and Jimmy on Fleet Week and More

May 27, 2010
David Letterman: "This week is the 25th anniversary of Fleet Week, which is early this year, because the people in the Navy and the Coast Guard all wanted to get to the harbor before the oil slick did."

Jay Leno: "One of the big gambling Web sites published odds on what species would be the first to become extinct from the oil spill. Unbelievable. You know the odds-on favorite? Democrat."

Jay Leno: "In Idaho, Republican congressional candidate Vaughn Ward is in trouble after he was caught plagiarizing a famous speech by Barack Obama. When they asked this guy if he thought he could get away with this, you know what he said? 'Yes, we can! Yes, we can! Yes, we can!'"

Jimmy Fallon: "The White House is backing a new plan to repeal 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' They want to relax the harsh standard and implement their new policy, 'Just Try to Not Make It Super Obvious.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "I heard that Paul McCartney invited the Jonas Brothers to his tribute at the White House next Wednesday because he thinks of them as the next Beatles. The Jonases were like, 'Oh, man, that is so nice of you — who are the Beatles?'"


Dave, Jay and Jimmy Slam BP

May 26, 2010
David Letterman: "British Petroleum is now saying the oil spill was caused by a bad underwater cement job. You don't have that problem with the mob."

David Letterman: "John McCain is angry with British Petroleum. But in all fairness, he's had a grudge against the British since the Revolutionary War."

Jay Leno: "Because of the ocean currents, experts say oil from the Gulf could easily spread up the East Coast all the way to the Carolinas. In fact, today, people in North Carolina said they hadn't seen anything this slick and slimy since the John Edwards campaign."

Jay Leno: "Scientists in Maryland say they have created the first-ever synthetic cell. They say their goal is to create a life form that can withstand lead products from China, volcanic ash from Iceland and contaminated water from the Gulf of Mexico."

Jimmy Fallon: "It's pretty hard for fans of 'Lost' now that it's finally over. If people want to get their fix, they'll have to follow that other group that's lost and confused in the middle of the ocean. You know, BP."

Jay & Co. on ATM Fees, Rand Paul and More

May 25, 2010
Bill Maher: "How to describe Rand Paul? ... He's an ophthalmologist, he does a lot of LASIK surgery, and he has a lot of interesting points of view.... His big thing today was that the oil spill in the Gulf was the blame game. He said, 'Sometimes accidents happen.' Which is not really what you want to hear from the guy who's doing your LASIK surgery."

Jay Leno: "BP is saying that the oil leak is bigger than they estimated. In a related story, the executives at BP are far bigger idiots than we estimated."

Jay Leno: "A very embarrassing moment for Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, who was running for the Senate. He's the guy who lied about his war record. He was overheard telling his wife, 'After the campaign, let's take a vacation and go somewhere I've never been.' She said, 'How about Vietnam?'"

David Letterman: "Elena Kagan is the new Supreme Court nominee. If she's not confirmed, she is a Mets fan, so she's used to disappointment."

Jimmy Kimmel: "They put a cap on ATM transaction fees, though a lot of the senators didn't want to discuss it because they've never used an ATM. The Senate has mobile cash machines — they're called 'lobbyists.'"

Jay, Dave and Jimmy Recap the Weekend

May 24, 2010

Jay Leno: "The U.S. Navy announced this week they are now using sea lions to fight terrorism. They did a drill this week where they hid a bomb underwater. A trained sea lion found the bomb in less than a minute. The bad news? He then balanced the bomb on his nose, threw it back at the trainer."

Jay Leno: "There was a big state dinner at the White House last night in honor of Mexican President Felipe Calderón. The Mexican president pointed out that he and President Obama have a lot in common. He said they are both presidents of two beautiful countries, they're both left-handed, and they both preside over 40 million Mexican people."

David Letterman: "You know that Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bomber? He bungled the gig. So the Taliban got wind of this and they said, 'That's it.' So they downgraded the guy. And he doesn't get 72 virgins. Here's what he gets: 72 vegans."

Jimmy Fallon: "Last night, at the big White House state dinner, Capricia Marshall, the U.S. chief of protocol, slipped on the White House steps right next to the Obamas. It was such a nasty spill that BP showed up and tried to put a top hat on her."

 

Jay and Jimmy on the Economy and Mexico

May 21, 2010

Jimmy Kimmel: "During a speech in Ohio yesterday, President Obama reminded the crowd that the economy was much worse a year ago. Then the crowd reminded him that he was already president a year ago."
 
Jay Leno: "Thousands of bees swarmed the White House on Sunday morning. And President Obama doesn't miss a trick. He is smart. Because all these bees were worker bees, he's now counted them as 10,000 new jobs he's created."

Jay Leno: "In welcoming Mexico's president, Felipe Calderon, to the White House today, President Obama told him, 'We are not defined by our borders.' The president of Mexico said, 'What borders?'"

Jay Leno: "Actually, one embarrassing moment with the Mexican president happened when Obama said, 'Let us all stand together,' and the governor of Arizona said: 'There he is. Grab him!'"

Jay Leno: "BP has inserted a siphon tube into the well to suck up all the oil from the spill. And they've had a lot of experience in this area, by the way. This is the same tube they've been using to suck the money out of our wallets for the past 50 years."

Jimmy Kimmel: "In Louisiana, BP claims that it's making progress with the leaking oil in the Gulf. They're working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600 degrees and use it to fry chicken."
 

Jay, Dave and Jimmy on Disgraced Politicians

May 20, 2010
Jay Leno: "Well, folks, it's happened again. My favorite kind of story. An Indiana Republican congressman named Mark Souder — a married man and father of three, one of these family advocate guys — has resigned after admitting to having an affair with a female staffer. In his resignation statement, he mentions God five times and his wife once. He knows there's a slight chance that God might forgive him. God might let it slide. Not the wife."

David Letterman: "A congressman from my home state of Indiana, Mark Souder, has been forced to resign because he was in a sex scandal. Finally, I'm no longer Indiana's biggest embarrassment."

Jimmy Fallon: "Have you heard about this guy, Richard Blumenthal? He's a Democratic candidate for Senate in Connecticut. It turns out he actually lied about serving in Vietnam. Not good. In fact, today, he says he hasn't got this much attention since he became the first man to walk on the moon."

Jay Leno: "Well, here's the latest on the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. The chief U.S. oversight official for offshore drilling has now resigned. Ironically — you know how the news got out? It leaked."




Jay and Jimmy on the Census; Miss USA

May 19, 2010
Jay Leno: "British Petroleum is starting to get a little defensive. Have you heard their new slogan? 'Yeah, like you never spilled anything before.'"

Jay Leno: "Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico."

Jay Leno: "For the first time ever, an Arab-American woman has been named Miss U.S.A. Her name is Rima Fakih from Dearborn, Mich. She says she hopes winning this title will finally help get her name off the no-fly list."

Jimmy Fallon: "A woman in Texas was arrested for shooting at a census worker who wouldn’t leave her property. The census worker was pretty committed to her job, though. Even as she was being fired at, she was like, 'Is that your only firearm? Do you share it with a loved one, a spouse, or a common-law partner?'"

Dave, Jay and Bill on the Oil Spill and Immigration Reform

May 18, 2010
David Letterman: "Does anyone here remember the Gulf of Mexico? Well, it's gone."

Bill Maher: "The oil company said it was the rig company's fault. The rig company said it was Halliburton. And somehow, each time they passed the blame, Goldman Sachs made a hundred million dollars."
 
Jay Leno: "Nancy Pelosi told Catholic leaders they need to support the Democratic version of immigration reform, and to preach it from the pulpit. She would have said more, but she had to leave to attend a rally for the separation of church and state."

Bill Maher: "It's funny, you know, they never say they're targeting Mexicans specifically, but I think we get that idea. Today they passed a bill that said beans can only be fried once."

David Letterman: "Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan has never argued in a court before. But being from New York, she's argued in delis, cabs, airports, etc."

Leno and Kimmel on the Top Stories

May 17, 2010
Jay Leno: "Tar balls have started washing ashore in Louisiana. Meanwhile, the slimeballs that started the whole thing are still in Washington."

Jay Leno: "The Senate this week voted to toughen the standards for home loans. Under the new standards, lenders would have to verify that the borrowers can repay the loan. Really? Is that considered a tough stance now? You have to pay back the loan? Borrow money from the mob sometime: They break your legs. Those are tough standards, OK?"

Jay Leno: "The Los Angeles City Council voted to boycott Arizona to protest the new anti-immigration law. The council vote wasn't even close. The council voted trece to uno."

Jimmy Kimmel: "The state of Hawaii passed a new law allowing the state government to ignore requests for President Obama's birth certificate from the 'birthers.' From now on, every future president should be required to be born on camera and in front of a national landmark."

Letterman and Leno Talk Oil Spill

May 14, 2010

David Letterman: "How about that oil spill in the gulf? They were going to put down what they called a containment platform, and they were going to lower it into the gulf. But that didn't work. So now, British Petroleum wants to try something else. It's a smaller containment device called the top hat. They get the top hat on the well, and then they're going to get John Wilkes Booth to shoot at it."

Jay Leno: "BP, Transocean and Halliburton are blaming each other for the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. They are all right."

Jay Leno:"These people make Goldman Sachs look responsible, don't they?"

Jay Leno:"BP is going to try to stop the leak by pushing garbage into it. Oh, yeah, they haven't screwed up the gulf enough, let's fill it with garbage, too."

Jay Leno:"Well, the latest plan was to cover the leak with another concrete dome, a smaller one called a top hat. Who came up with this idea, Mr. Moneybags, from the Monopoly game? What's next, the giant thimble?"
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