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June 2010 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Dave on the G-20 Summit and Kagan Hearings

Jun 30, 2010
David Letterman: "Do you know what's going on up there in Toronto? They're having the big G-20 summit, and the protesters were up there. They smashed windows; they overturned cars. They just found out the Lakers won."

David Letterman: "It's not the G-20 anymore. It's now the G-19, because Ghana eliminated the United States."

David Letterman: "The Senate began the Supreme Court confirmation hearings for Elena Kagan. And tomorrow, my favorite part of the whole procedure, the talent competition. And, I want to tell you something — wait until you hear this woman sing 'I Dreamed a Dream.'"

David Letterman: "President Obama said that the opposition to Elena Kagan seems like 'pretty thin gruel.' That's how he describes the opposition. If you want thick gruel, just go down to the Gulf of Mexico."

Jay on the Russian President's Hamburger

Jun 29, 2010
Jay Leno: "President Obama met with the Russian president at the White House and afterwards took him out for a burger. It was a bit awkward because General McChrystal was working behind the counter."

Jay Leno: "The Russian president wanted to pick up the check, but Obama said, 'Don't worry about it, just charge it to our grandchildren.'"

Jay Leno: "Mexico has filed a brief against Arizona's new immigration law. It's a precedent because it's the first immigration law Mexico has paid any attention to."

Comics on Immigration Law, BP, and the New iPhone

Jun 28, 2010
Jay Leno: "Well, folks, you knew it was going to happen. It was inevitable. It happened today. General Stanley McChrystal canceled his subscription to Rolling Stone."

Jay Leno: "Mexico has filed a brief in U.S. federal court to stop Arizona's new immigration law. And while they're at it, they also asked the court to stop Taco Bell from calling itself Mexican food."

David Letterman: "Congressmen have been saying from the beginning that BP is either lying or grossly incompetent. Well, why can't we have both?"

Jimmy Fallon:
"The Coast Guard found a drunk man on a pool float yesterday after he drifted a mile out into the Gulf of Mexico. Authorities called the guy 'irresponsible,' while BP called him 'our best hope.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "The iPhone 4 is $499 to buy outright, $199 to upgrade your existing iPhone, and if you don't want one at all, it's $99."

Jay Looks at the McChrystal Blowup

Jun 24, 2010
Jay Leno: "Tough times for relationships. Al and Tipper Gore splitting up. The bachelor couple, Jake and Vienna, they're done. Now, President Obama and General McChrystal — they're on the rocks."

Jay Leno: "Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That's not the general's job. That is my job."

Jimmy Fallon: "Larry King's oil spill telethon last night raised $1.8 million. Usually, to get that much money from Larry King, you have to divorce him."

Jimmy Fallon: "In 2011, China will end America's 110-year run as the No. 1 manufacturing country in the world. That gives me a great idea. We should start making the one thing we know the world will always need — made in China labels."

Jimmy Fallon: "Researchers found that most parents don't know if their preschool-aged child is overweight or obese. I think the real news here is that those are the only two options."

Dave and Jay: Home Depot Wedding; Watergate Anniversary

Jun 22, 2010
David Letterman: "A couple in California got married at Home Depot. I hope they find happiness, because you can't find anything else at Home Depot."

Jay Leno: "It was the 36th anniversary of the Watergate scandal, when the Republicans broke into the Democratic headquarters looking for their long-term plans and strategies. It also marks the last time anyone thought the Democrats had a plan worth stealing."

Jimmy Fallon: "I'm not going to do any jokes about oil spill-related news, because I thought it might be nice to just pretend for a few minutes that the oil spill isn't happening. You know, kind of like BP does."

Jay Leno: "A congressman actually apologized to BP's CEO for the way the company has been treated. How stupid are you when the CEO of BP is in the room and people think you're the moron?"

Jay Leno: "To be fair, it's not easy for a lot of these congressmen. It's got to be hard to bite the hand that bribes you."

Jay and Jimmy on BP and the "Small People"

Jun 21, 2010
Jay Leno: "President Obama will set aside $20 billion to pay the victims of the oil spill in the Gulf. Well, that is good news. The bad news — it still comes out to less than, like, a dollar a gallon."

Jay Leno: "The chairman of BP, Carl-Henric Svanberg, told reporters that sometimes large oil companies are greedy and don't care, but 'not BP. We care about the small people.' That's what he called the residents of the Gulf — 'the small people.' But to be fair, English is not the guy's first language. Money is."

Jay Leno: "I do believe they care about the small people. Problem is, they don't care about the big leak."

Jimmy Fallon: "BP chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg caused some controversy when he said BP cares about the 'small people.' Part of his new strategy — plug the hole by digging himself into a deeper one."

Jimmy Fallon: "BP said that the comment was lost in transition from Svanberg's native Swedish to English. And the Americans were like, 'We get it. We've all tried to assemble something from IKEA. Apology accepted.'"

Jay, Dave and Jimmy on the Primaries and More

Jun 16, 2010
Jay Leno: "Hey, have you been following what's been going on in the South Carolina Democratic primary for the Senate? This is very bizarre. A man named Alvin Greene has won the Democratic primary. But he didn't go to any campaign events, spent no money, gave no speeches, was kicked out of the Army, he's unemployed, he lives with his mother, and he's facing felony charges for showing lewd photos to students. I know. Sounds like a senator to me."

Jay Leno: "The FAA is now looking into the possibility of pilotless commercial flights. I guess they figure if they take away the leg room, the pillows, the blankets, the food, they might as well take away the pilots, too."

Jimmy Fallon: "The White House said today that BP is moving up its timeline for containing the oil by two weeks. They said they'd `get it done, even if they have to work six hours a day, four days a week.'"

David Letterman: "President Obama is now in the Gulf of Mexico. This is his fourth visit since the spill. So the President has been down there four times. And the head of BP is saying, 'Well, see, it hasn't affected tourism.'"

Late-Night Comics on the World Cup and BP's Hayward

Jun 15, 2010
Bill Maher: "Here in California, Meg Whitman is going to be the governor nominee from the Republican side. She's the former CEO of eBay. She said her eBay experience helped her convince voters to buy a load of crap that they don’t really want."

Jimmy Fallon: "The U.S. is facing England in the World Cup, and the U.S. ambassador and the U.K. ambassador have made a friendly wager on the game. If England wins, we have to buy their ambassador tea and crumpets, and if we win, they have to buy us a new ocean."

Jay Leno: "A lot of people are upset and wondering why President Obama is willing to sit down with Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad but not BP CEO Tony Hayward. I think Obama is afraid — Ahmadinejad only threatened to destroy the world and Hayward is actually doing it."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama may finally meet with BP CEO Tony Hayward. Obama plans to ask Hayward for an update on the spill, while Hayward plans to ask Obama for an update on the spill."

David Letterman: "Thanks to BP, the Gulf now has two new islands: self-service and full."

Jay & Co. on the Fed, BP . . . and Hall and Oates

Jun 14, 2010
Jimmy Fallon: "Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke said the economy appears to be on track to continue to expand through this year and next. Then he said, 'And you can take that to one of the remaining banks.'"

Jay Leno: "According to a new report, BP has the worst safety record of all the oil companies. They've paid over $372 million in fines. Oh, they don't call them fines. They call them 'campaign contributions.'"

Jay Leno: "Seems Hall and Oates have cancelled an upcoming concert in Arizona to protest the state's new immigration law. Well, that will teach Arizona a lesson, huh? Let's see how long they can go without Hall and Oates!"

Jay Leno: "Apparently, Hall and Oates were worried Arizona authorities would make them go back to where they came from — the '70s."

David Letterman: "Actor Kevin Costner was testifying before Congress earlier. He has come up with a way to separate oil from seawater and he was telling the congressmen all about it. And previously, Costner developed a process to separate moviegoers from their money."

Jay on the Primary Winners and the BP CEO

Jun 11, 2010
Jay Leno: "Women won big in California, Arkansas, Nevada and South Carolina. These are exciting times. I can remember when only rich white men could buy elections. Now women can buy them, too."

Jay Leno: "The only commercial airline in Iraq, Iraqi Airways, folded this week. The CEO of Iraqi Airlines said the company could not survive in a market where everybody in the country is on the no-fly list."

Jay Leno: "The new unemployment figures are not good. A lot of people out of work, yet somehow the CEO of British Petroleum still manages to keep his job."

Jay Leno:  "President Obama said today he would've fired BP CEO Tony Hayward if he worked for him. But unfortunately, as you know, the White House works for BP."

Jay Leno:  "Tony Hayward said he would just like to get his life back. He wants to get his life back. You know, I say give him life plus 20."

Jimmy Fallon: "The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks."

Jay & Co. on Jobs, Verbal Blunders, and That Oil Spill

Jun 09, 2010
Jay Leno: "According to BP, this containment cap is now capturing 10,000 barrels of oil a day. Which is amazing, considering they said it was only leaking 1,000 barrels a day."

David Letterman: "The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami."

Jimmy Fallon: "It was just announced that President Obama is going to visit India this November in response to Prime Minister Singh's invitation. Mostly, he's going over there to visit our jobs."

Jimmy Fallon: "This week, Vice President Joe Biden is on the first leg of his African tour, which includes visits to Egypt, Kenya and South Africa. The second leg of the tour will be when he goes back to all of the countries to apologize for everything he said during the first leg."

Jimmy Fallon: "Veteran White House reporter Helen Thomas has just resigned after she said Israelis should 'get the hell out of Palestine.' Thomas hasn't been in this much trouble since she told President Lincoln to stop whining and put a Band-Aid on it."

Late-Night Comics on the Gores, Immigration, etc.

Jun 08, 2010
Bill Maher: "After 40 years, Al and Tipper Gore have split up. Nobody knows why, but there is a rumor today that Al came home early last week and found another man's carbon footprints."

Bill Maher: "People want [Obama] to be madder. His press secretary said he was enraged today. He was on Larry King last night, and he said, "I am furious.' He said, 'I am so angry, I have asked Rahm Emanuel to unleash a string of obscenities on my behalf.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama today met with Arizona Governor Jan Brewer to talk about illegal immigration. Governor Brewer surprised everyone in this meeting by having the President deported."

Craig Ferguson: "Sir Paul McCartney played at the White House last night. He dedicated the Beatles song 'Michelle' to the First Lady. Isn't that lovely? And then for Joe Biden, he played 'Fool on the Hill.'"

Jay and Jimmy on the Economy: How Bad Is It?

Jun 02, 2010
Jay Leno: "It's been a rough day in the stock market. It's so bad, today, President Obama had to lay off two teleprompters."

Jay Leno: "The economy is so bad, Joe Biden had to cash in his swear jar."

Jay Leno: "The economy is so bad, I saw the governor of Arizona eating at Taco Bell."

Jimmy Fallon: "A new study found that the average person has lost an hour of sleep at night during the recession. Luckily, most of them can just sleep in late the next day."

Jay and Jimmy Still Hammering BP

Jun 01, 2010

Jay Leno: "British Petroleum is still trying to minimize the PR damage. You know what they said today? They said all the oil that spilled this month is on the house. No charge."

Jay Leno: "Obama looked pretty mad, if you watched his press conference. President Obama said the head of the federal agency in charge of regulating the oil company is no longer there, but he didn't know if she resigned or if she was fired. I got a better idea. How about arrested? Let's try that."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama fired the head of the Minerals Management Service, because of lack of oversight of offshore oil rigs. It's got to be tough finding another job after that. It's like, 'I see you were head of the department in charge of preventing oil spills? And this was during the huge oil spill?' 'Yeah, that's right.' 'You may not be Wendy's material.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama is doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans."

Jay Leno: "A new study shows that fathers can suffer a form of postpartum depression after their child is born, especially if they're John Edwards."

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