Jay Leno: "For the State of the Union address, Republicans and Democrats sat next to each other, instead of on opposite sides. The press called it 'date night.' How come they go on a date, but we're the ones who get screwed?"
Jimmy Kimmel: "Democrats and Republicans paired up and sat next to each other. Fifty-five years after Rosa Parks, we finally integrated Washington."
Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama promised to veto any bill sent to his desk with earmarks. I think he's just being overly sensitive about his ears."
Jimmy Kimmel: "He also said we have to 'win the future.' He said that seven different times. I'd settle on tying the future. I don't like to get greedy."