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May 2011 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Presidential Candidates: Who's In, Who's Out?

May 31, 2011

Jimmy Fallon: "Rudy Giuliani says he may run for President. So now we're up to seven candidates and 35 ex-wives."

Jimmy Fallon: "Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather's Pizza, announced that he's running for President. And this is cool — if his campaign isn't over in 30 minutes or less, you get your pizza for free."

Jay Leno: "President Obama is on a visit to England. He told the Queen, 'I like your tea parties much better than the ones we have in America.'"

David Letterman: "Harold Camping, who predicted the end of the world, says the new date for the apocalypse is October 21. If it rains, it will be October 22."

Conan and Jay on the World Not Ending

May 25, 2011

Conan O'Brien: "The pastor who incorrectly predicted the Rapture said it was a very tough weekend. To make it worse, his friends keep calling him, saying, "Hey, it's not the end of the world!"

Jay Leno: "How about this whole world-coming-to-an-end thing? Look, I love Oprah too, but it was just a TV show!"

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama said Hillary Clinton is approaching one million frequent flier miles in her job as Secretary of State. Though even that can't get her upgraded to the seat she really wants."

Jay Leno: "President Obama suggested that Israel should go back to the pre-1967 borders. Native Americans said, 'Why stop there? Let's go back to the pre-1492 borders.'"

Debt, Gas and SEALs

May 18, 2011

David Letterman: "The United States has hit the debt ceiling. Do you know what that means? Neither do I. I do think it would be wise for all of us to learn to speak Chinese."

Jay Leno: "There's talk of a new 'Mad Max' movie, where gas is so expensive people steal and kill to get it. It takes place in the future...like July."

Jimmy Fallon: "Disney is trademarking the phrase 'SEAL Team 6,' after the team that took down Osama bin Laden. Yeah, 'cause when they shot bin Laden, captured his wives and found his porn, I was like, 'This would make a great Disney movie.'"

Jay Leno: "Donald Trump says that he will not run for President. You know why? He can't find his birth certificate."


Jay and Dave Look at the Republican Presidential Candidates

May 16, 2011

Jay Leno: "Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? The only one that hasn't had three wives is Mitt Romney — and he's the Mormon!"

David Letterman: "Newt Gingrich is running for president. This could be the political event of the year — 1996."

Stephen Colbert: "There is little doubt what Trump's eventual announcement will be because he's already decided to run in his mind. That means he's a shoo-in, because that's where all his supporters are."

Jay Leno: "An Illinois state senator wants to take away the state tax deduction from parents with an obese child. I've heard of getting behind on your taxes, but never getting taxed on your behind."

Conan Describes the Longest 40 Minutes

May 12, 2011

Conan O'Brien: "President Obama said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden's compound was the longest 40 minutes of his life, except for every time he asks Joe Biden what's up."

Jay Leno: "Have you seen the video of Osama bin Laden? He was wearing a Snuggie, drinking a Coke and flipping through the channels on TV. I thought he hated the American lifestyle. He was LIVING the American lifestyle."

Jimmy Fallon: "The Libyan forces fighting Moammar Gadhafi only have about three weeks of funding left. It's kind of hard to intimidate an evil tyrant when you're like, 'We will fight you until the end! Of May!'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have separated. Maria cited irreconcilable differences. The translators are still trying to figure out what Arnold cited."

Jay and Dave Reveal More Details on bin Laden

May 10, 2011

Jimmy Fallon: "The unemployment rate went up last month for the first time since November. But on the bright side, I hear a senior management position just opened up at al-Qaida."

Jimmy Kimmel: "The identity of the Navy Seals who killed Osama bin Laden is being kept secret. It's for their own safety. It's to keep them from being high-fived to death."

Jay Leno: "The White House is releasing more information on the details of that attack on Osama bin Laden. They said the helicopters were able to fly in undetected because it was 1:00 a.m. and the Pakistan air traffic controller was sound asleep."

David Letterman: "Apparently, Osama bin Laden was living in a mansion with no phone and no cable for six years. He'd been waiting for six years for the Time-Warner guy to show up."

Comics Aren't Yet Done with bin Laden

May 06, 2011

Jimmy Kimmel: "Some Republicans are giving most of the credit for killing bin Laden to former President George W. Bush. It's kind of like when someone opens a pickle jar and you say, 'Well, I loosened it.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "After Osama bin Laden's death on Sunday, there was a 1 million percent increase in 'bin Laden' searches on Google. Which means people were going, 'Yes! We got bin Laden! Hold on, who's that again?'"

Craig Ferguson: "Elisabeth Hasselbeck of 'The View' is writing a children's book about Osama bin Laden's death. She wants to write a book to explain the whole thing to children. No title yet, but I have a suggestion: 'Horton Hears a Helicopter.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "While promoting her 'Let's Move' campaign at a middle school, Michelle Obama danced the Cha-Cha, the Running Man, and the Dougie. Not to show off — she was just doing her impression of Barack after they got bin Laden."


More on a Post-Osama World

May 05, 2011

Jay Leno: "President Obama has done something that no one else has been able to do. He got Donald Trump to shut up."

Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday Rush Limbaugh opened his show with 'Thank God for President Obama.' In other words, the Apocalypse has begun."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Between the death of bin Laden and the royal wedding, it's an exciting time to be in the commemorative plate business."

Jay Leno: "For their honeymoon, the royal couple wants to go somewhere they can have complete privacy and no one in the country will give away their location. I think they're going to Pakistan."

Late-Night Hosts Say Goodbye to bin Laden

May 04, 2011

Jay Leno: "The good news: Osama bin Laden is dead. The bad news: there is no bad news."

Jimmy Kimmel: "I would like us to kill bin Laden every Sunday night. It makes for a much brighter start to the week."

David Letterman: "There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix-up and he was greeted by 72 vegans."

Craig Ferguson: "Apparently, members of al-Qaida are online slamming the U.S. I don't understand why they're so upset. Everyone in al-Qaida just got a promotion."

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