Conan O'Brien: "Amid the heat, health officials are telling Americans to stay home. Americans responded by saying, 'We are home. We have no jobs.'"
President Obama's 50th birthday is coming up in a couple weeks. If you're thinking of getting him something, he could use $14 trillion."
"The city of London has fined President Obama for the traffic he caused while visiting back in May. Which raises the question, 'Are there any countries we don't owe money to?'"
"NASA says that without the space shuttle, we'll have to pay the Russians $63 million to take one astronaut into space. And if the astronaut wants to check a bag, it's an extra $15 million."