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October 2012 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Campaign Winds Down, Sandy Winds Up

Oct 30, 2012

Bill Maher: "They're saying this could be the worst storm ever. What's happening is a cold front from Canada and low pressure from the hurricane are colliding with the hot air from Donald Trump."

Bill Maher: "Today Mitt Romney advised that men should head for the shelters and women should remain in their binders."

David Letterman: "Are you excited about Halloween? People go out pretending to be something they're not, looking for handouts. It's like running for president."

Jay Leno: "President Obama is getting some criticism for calling Mitt Romney a B.S.'er. I don’t think that means 'big spender.'"


Jay and Dave on the 'Undecideds'

Oct 26, 2012

David Letterman: "On Monday night the debate was all about the undecideds, but here's what happened. The undecideds decided not to watch."

Jay Leno: "I have to admit, I was one of those undecideds. I couldn't decide whether to watch the baseball game or the football game."

Jay Leno: "One of President Obama's winning points in the debate was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it's President Obama."

Jay Leno: "Experts say the entire 2012 election could come down to just eight states. Those states are: confusion, dismay, depression, apathy, shock, disbelief, despair, and anxiety."

The Debates Are Over, But the Jokes Keep Coming

Oct 25, 2012

Jimmy Fallon: "Donald Trump said he has a 'very big' announcement about President Obama that could cost him the election. Yeah, he’s going to endorse him."

David Letterman: "The latest polls among registered voters show 6% are undecided. Pick one, come on! These are the guys you see in the Baskin-Robbins asking for free samples."

Jay Leno: "So far for Halloween, sales of Obama masks are 30% higher than sales of Romney masks. That makes sense. I mean, what's scarier than four more years of this economy?"

Seth Meyers: "Both Republicans and Democrats are saying that Latino voters will decide who wins in three key states, Colorado, Florida and Nevada. Or as the candidates are now calling them, 'Colorado, Florida y Nevada.'"

Get Ready for Tonight's Debate with These Jokes about the Last One

Oct 22, 2012

Jimmy Kimmel: "A CNN poll said that 46% of viewers who watched the second presidential debate thought Obama won and 39% thought Mitt Romney won. So it looks like Obama's strategy of staying awake through this one paid off."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Romney said that when he was filling cabinet positions as governor of Massachusetts, he went out of his way to make sure he hired women. He said he had 'binders full of women.' Romney's policy toward women is clear: we have to alphabetize them."

Craig Ferguson: "Larry King is moderating a presidential debate between third-party candidates on the Internet. That could be awkward. Most Americans have never heard of these candidates. And Larry King has never heard of the Internet."

Conan O'Brien: "After Paul Ryan stopped by for a photo op at a soup kitchen, the head of the charity said Ryan did nothing. In other words, that man is ready to be vice president."

Believe It or Not

Oct 12, 2012

Jay Leno: "The good news for the White House is that unemployment has dropped to 7.8 percent, right where it was when President Obama took office. So Obama has gone from 'Change you can believe in' to 'Can you believe there's no change?'"

Jay Leno: "Can you believe it's only another month until we start arguing about whether the election was stolen or not?"

Jimmy Fallon: "The Obama campaign is planning to open up its 120th field office in Ohio. Even Starbucks is like, 'That's too many locations, man.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "A new survey found that atheists are the fastest-growing religious group in the U.S. And if you find that hard to believe -– well, you're probably one of them."

Last Words on Last Week's Debate

Oct 09, 2012

Jay Leno: "They say close to 60 million people may have watched the debate. In fact, the only person who didn't tune in was President Obama."

Stephen Colbert: "It's like Obama wasn't even there. He hasn't done this poorly since he debated Clint Eastwood."

Jimmy Kimmel: "The only thing that could have salvaged the President's performance would have been if the body of bin Laden fell from the ceiling onto the stage."

David Letterman: "Your choice now is pretty clear. You can either vote for the guy who got rid of bin Laden or vote for the guy who wants to get rid of Big Bird."



More Debate Jokes

Oct 05, 2012

Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday was not only the first presidential debate, it was also President Obama's 20th wedding anniversary. I think the President got a little confused. At one point, he told Michelle that she was out of touch with the middle class and Romney that he looks as beautiful as the day they first met."

Jay Leno: "Watching the debates is a lot like football, particularly the New York Jets. Romney is like Tebow — almost surely disappointing if he gets in. And Obama's like Sanchez, already in there and disappointing us right now."

Jay Leno: "I understand they had 'fact checkers' standing by — just in case either candidate happened to say something factual."

Jay Leno: "There's been a lot of talk this year about voter fraud, election fraud. But we haven't seen many cases of it. You know what I think we should be investigating? Candidate fraud."


First Round of Debate Jokes

Oct 04, 2012

Jay Leno: "Did you watch the debate? How many wish it was like the NFL and they could just bring in replacement candidates?"

David Letterman: "I love the presidential debates. At my house, what we do each night before they begin is we put out a plate of milk and cookies for Jim Lehrer."

Jimmy Fallon: "I heard that the Obama campaign was a little worried because during his flight to Nevada on Sunday the President watched four hours of football instead of studying — although it did mark the first time all year that Obama has actually seen something get passed."

Conan O' Brien: "For the next debate, President Obama's advisers are working with him to keep his responses short. In fact, the only words the President plans on saying are 'bin Laden' and 'dead.'"

The Debates Are Here; So Is Arnold's Book

Oct 03, 2012

Jimmy Fallon: "With the first presidential debate scheduled for tonight, both the Obama camp and Romney camp are being careful not to overhype their candidates. They're asking voters to lower their expectations and not get too excited. Or as voters put it, 'Way ahead of you. Don't worry about that.'"

David Letterman: "These debates are tightly controlled. Each side, Obama and Romney, had to agree to 32 pages of rules. It's like being a Kardashian husband."

Craig Ferguson: "Arnold Schwarzenegger's book is out today. Arnold says in the book that cheating on Maria was the stupidest thing he ever did. Excuse me, but I saw 'Jingle All the Way.'"

Jay Leno: "Arnold Schwarzenegger gave an interview to '60 Minutes' last night. He said you can't run from your mistakes. Yeah, especially when they have feet of their own."



It's Still Too Close to Call...

Oct 01, 2012

Jay Leno: "A woman in Tampa, Fla., who is in danger of being foreclosed on, put a giant sign on her roof reading, "Obama, please save my home." To which Obama said, "Hey, lady, I'm trying not to get thrown out of my own house, OK?"

Jimmy Fallon: "Romney's campaign said Obama is spiking the ball too early in Ohio after polls show Obama pulling ahead. Obama hasn't earned that win yet -- which is why the NFL replacement refs just gave it to him anyway."

Seth Meyers: "Mitt Romney released his 2011 tax returns, which showed he paid a 14 percent rate, so just a little less than what restaurants add on for parties of six or more."

Conan O'Brien: "At a recent concert, Madonna told the audience she would strip naked if President Obama is re-elected. In a related story, Obama is now trailing in the polls by 97 percent."

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