Jay Leno: "A close friend of mine said his doctor gave him less than two weeks to live. But it turns out his doctor's a Mayan. He says that to everybody."

David Letterman: "Wal-Mart announced that on apocalypse day they would open at midnight. I think the Mayan calendar is becoming too commercialized, don't you?"

Jimmy Kimmel: "I do most of my holiday shopping online. But I hire someone to honk and scream obscenities at me while I'm doing it so I get the whole holiday shopping experience."

Jimmy Fallon: "Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper signed an amendment that officially legalized marijuana in the state. Stoners took a moment to thank Governor Hickenlooper — then they spent a few hours just saying the word 'Hickenlooper.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "The Pentagon is preparing for massive budget cuts in the event that the country does go over the fiscal cliff. You can tell the Pentagon is scaling back because today it became 'the Triangle.'"

Jay Leno: "The unemployment rate has fallen to its lowest level in nearly four years. The bad news is that most of those jobs involve wearing a red suit, a beard, and having kids pee in your lap."

Conan O'Brien: "The governor of Arizona punched a reporter who asked her about global warming. Afterwards she apologized. She said, 'Sorry, I'm a little touchy because it's almost Christmas and it's 135 degrees outside."

David Letterman: "Because of climate change, Frosty the Snowman has a new name. Now he's called 'Frosty the Puddle.'"

Jay Leno: "Today in Washington, President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored him by giving him his own Indian name: 'Running Deficit.'"

Conan O'Brien: "A record number of people are naming their babies after Apple products. It's the perfect way to tell your newborn, 'We’re planning to replace you in six months.'"

David Letterman: "Mitt Romney is going back to work. He got a job at a Marriott. When you're at the front desk arguing over your mini-bar bill, Mitt will be the guy that comes out from the back and says, 'I understand there's some trouble?'"

Jimmy Fallon: "McDonald's announced that it's bringing back the McRib later this month. Or as the Mayans put it, 'Hey, we tried to warn you.'"

Jay Leno: "Are you sick and tired of hearing the term 'fiscal cliff'? People don’t understand it. It doesn’t tell you how serious the situation is. They need more colorful metaphors. Here’s how to explain it: 'It's 4 a.m. for our economy and Lindsay Lohan is behind the wheel.'"

David Letterman: "I'm worried about the fiscal cliff in the same way I'm worried about Martians. Every now and then I look for them, but I don't know what I'll do when I see them."

Conan O'Brien: "A new study says the average American now weighs 176 pounds. May not sound too bad to you. But the study was conducted at elementary schools."

Jimmy Fallon: "Today it was confirmed that Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their first baby. You can tell the baby’s a member of the royal family, because Kate said she can already feel it waving."