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February 2012 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

A Tough Week for the Candidates -- and the Knicks

Feb 29, 2012

David Letterman: "Rick Santorum now says he's against separation of church and state. But he's not against separation of sweaters and sleeves."

Jimmy Fallon:
"It was a tough game for the New York Knicks last week. Jeremy Lin went just 1-for-11 in their loss to Miami. Only 1 success out of 11 attempts — or as Newt Gingrich calls that, ‘primary season.’"

David Letterman: "All these GOP debates. They had debates with podiums, debates with chairs, a table, bunk beds. Now the next one is going to be in black-and-white and silent."

Craig Ferguson: "President Obama is trying to come up with a new campaign slogan that would replace ‘hope and change.’ He's thinking of going with ‘I am not Mitt Romney.’"

Conan & Co. Ride the Campaign Trail

Feb 24, 2012

Conan O'Brien: "Newt Gingrich said we should use covert operations to assassinate Iran's nuclear scientists. Gingrich also said the key to covert operations is announcing them on the campaign trail."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Rick Santorum said he believes that Satan has his sights on America. Apparently Satan is still upset about the time he went down to Georgia and lost that fiddle."

Conan O'Brien: "It's been reported that Mitt Romney's campaign is spending cash twice as fast as they're earning it. Hey, it turns out he is just like us after all."

Jimmy Fallon: "Microsoft founder Bill Gates attended a fundraiser for President Obama on Friday. He wasn't invited, but in typical Microsoft fashion he crashed it."

 

A Vice President Who's Actually Important

Feb 21, 2012

Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama's approval rating is up to 50 percent. Only half the country dislikes him. Apparently his strategy of not being any of the Republican candidates is paying off."

Jay Leno: "The Chinese vice president visited President Obama at the White House. That shows how different China is from us. In China, the vice president is actually important."

Jay Leno: "President Obama may have significantly reduced our trade deficit with China. He sold the Chinese vice president a billion Jeremy Lin jerseys at $50 apiece."

David Letterman: "Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex."

 

Jay Explains What Money Can't Buy

Feb 13, 2012

Jay Leno: "Mitt Romney said last week that he learned something. There are things that money can't buy — like Colorado, Minnesota, Missouri."

Jay Leno: "It was a bad week for Newt Gingrich. In terms that Newt can understand, I think the voters told him they want to start seeing other candidates."

Jimmy Fallon: "This Saturday is the drawing for one of the biggest Powerball jackpots in history, which means one lucky winner could be worth $300 million. Or as Mitt Romney calls that, ‘middle class.’"

Jimmy Fallon: "Apple is facing a $38 million fine in China because the word 'iPad' is trademarked by a Chinese company. Apple was nervous about owing money to China — but then Obama was like, ‘Ah, you get used to it.’"




Dave & Co. on Santorum's Big Day

Feb 10, 2012

David Letterman: "Rick Santorum was the big winner on Tuesday. He is feeling very cocky. He already is being fitted for an inaugural sweater vest."

Conan O'Brien: "Since Tuesday's primaries, Rick Santorum's campaign has received $250,000 in donations. When Mitt Romney heard this, he said, '$250,000? Oh, that's cute.'"

Jay Leno: "Donald Trump announced he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. And with any luck, that will be about as close to the White House as Donald Trump will ever get."

Jimmy Kimmel: "There's really no reason for anyone to drop out of the race. If you wind up in fourth place, you become a regular contributor on Fox News. You come in third, you get your own show on Fox News."

Jimmy and Jay Look at the Super Bowl Winners (and Ads)

Feb 09, 2012

Jimmy Fallon: "After winning the Super Bowl, the Giants will get to meet President Obama at the White House. Meanwhile, the Patriots will get to meet Newt Gingrich at the Waffle House."

Jay Leno: "One of the most talked about Super Bowl commercials was the one with Clint Eastwood, where he said, ‘It’s halftime in America, and our second half is about to begin.’ The bad news? China has the ball and we’re down $15 trillion."

Jay Leno: "President Obama has ordered new sanctions against Iran’s central bank for engaging in deceptive practices. I’ve got a better idea: How about sanctions against our banks for deceptive practices?"

Jay Leno: "According to a study from Match.com, Democrats have sex more often than Republicans, but Republicans have better sex. Who cares? It's always the voters who get screwed."



Don't Worry about the Super PACs

Feb 06, 2012

Jimmy Fallon: ‎"Donald Trump announced that he’s endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It was really nice. Trump was like, ‘There’s only one man with the brains, the skills, and the charisma to be president — but since I’m not running, you might as well vote for Mitt Romney.’"

Jay Leno: "Mitt Romney said he is not concerned with the very poor. That statement worked out well for Marie Antoinette, didn’t it?"
 
Stephen Colbert: "To all the worrywarts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy."
 
Jimmy Fallon: "A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs."

 

Mitt Stomps Newt

Feb 03, 2012

Jimmy Kimmel: "In Florida, Mitt Romney won the Republican presidential primary election. Political analysts believe that elderly voters in Florida rejected Newt Gingrich because of fears that he would eventually leave them for a younger state."

Stephen Colbert: ‎"Mitt didn't just beat Newt Gingrich, he stomped him by a devastating 14 percent margin. Fourteen percent! That is higher than Mitt's tax rate."

Jay Leno: "Mitt Romney's campaign will start getting Secret Service protection this week. That's just to protect him from Newt Gingrich."

Jay Leno: "The agriculture department says we now have the smallest cattle population in 60 years. That shows you how fat we're getting. We're close to putting cows on the endangered species list."

Too Hot, Too Cold, and Just Right

Feb 02, 2012

Jay Leno: "Newt Gingrich has been attacking Mitt Romney for having money in bank accounts in the Cayman Islands. See, that’s when you know you’re part of the top 1 percent, when your bank’s address has the word ‘island’ in it."

David Letterman: "Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the moon."

Craig Ferguson: "Rick Santorum says Newt Gingrich is too hot, Mitt Romney is too cold, but he's the 'Goldilocks candidate.' Yes, nothing gets voters excited like comparing yourself to tepid porridge."

Jimmy Fallon: "An Illinois woman is auctioning President Obama’s 2005 Chrysler. You can tell it’s his because it starts off fast, then stalls for the next three years."

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