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April 2012 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Conan and Jay on Romney's Clean Sweep

Apr 27, 2012

Conan O'Brien: "Mitt Romney won all five of the primaries on Tuesday. Apparently when you buy four primaries, you get the fifth for free."

Jay Leno: "After winning five primaries this week, Mitt Romney has his new campaign slogan: 'Well, I guess you're stuck with me.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "They estimate that a billion people participated in Earth Day activities. Then they all went back to driving their SUVs to the gym."

Conan O'Brien: "The Dalai Lama said he likes George W. Bush as a person, but not as a president. When asked for comment, Bush said, 'I love him as a Dalai, but not as a Lama.'"

The Campaign Turns Canine

Apr 25, 2012

Bill Maher: "Famously, Mitt Romney strapped his dog to the roof of the car. So this week the Romney campaign put out that Obama, when he was living in Indonesia, ate dog meat. He was six years old! The White House released a statement saying the President was so sickened by this charge that he ate some grass and threw up."

Conan O'Brien: "Conservatives are now criticizing President Obama because as a child in Indonesia he sometimes ate dog meat. But on the plus side, Obama is now polling very well among cats."

Jimmy Kimmel: "The dog thing — maybe that is where the floppy ears come from."

Bill Maher: "April 20 was pot day. And people celebrate all over the world. Although, I must say, the Senate did not celebrate this by smoking joints, for two reasons. One, it would be against protocol. And two, it would mean passing something."

Where Do Your Taxes Go?

Apr 19, 2012

Jimmy Kimmel: "At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you."

Bill Maher: "It's that time of year again: taxes. I know it's depressing, but just remember, you're paying for roads, bridges, hospitals and an army to keep the nation free. Unfortunately, that nation is Afghanistan."

Seth Meyers: "Rick Santorum announced that he was suspending his campaign for the Republican Presidential nomination. In his honor, sweater sleeves will be worn at half-mast."

Jay Leno: "The Obama administration is trying to distance itself from remarks made by Democratic adviser Hilary Rosen. She said that Mitt Romney's wife, a stay-at-home mother of five, has never worked a day in her life. Let me tell you something — if you're the mother of five boys, you never had a day off in your life, OK?"

Jay Looks at Obama's Tax Returns

Apr 18, 2012

Jay Leno: "President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama."

Jay Leno: "In an interview, President Obama said he prefers Jay-Z to Kanye West. Did you know Obama was a fan of hip-hop? In fact, he has his own rap nickname, Biggie Deficit."

Jay Leno: "Newt Gingrich's campaign paid $500 to get his name on the Utah primary ballot, and the check bounced. You know, if Newt is spending money he doesn't have, maybe he really is qualified to be president."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Arnold Schwarzenegger did something interesting yesterday. On his Facebook page, he asked fans to give him ideas for things to write about in his autobiography. Apparently, he's unfamiliar with the 'auto-' part."

Another Candidate Bites the Dust

Apr 13, 2012

Jimmy Fallon: "After dropping out of the GOP race, Rick Santorum e-mailed his supporters to ask for help paying off his campaign debt. So if you believe in his message of responsible spending and no handouts, just give him a handout to cover all his irresponsible spending."

Jimmy Fallon: "Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. Jindal said he couldn’t think of a better way to show his support than waiting until Romney was the only guy left."

David Letterman: "Because Mitt Romney is a Mormon, he can actually have several vice presidents. Did you know that?"

Jay Leno: "The price of gasoline has now doubled under President Obama's administration. He and Jimmy Carter are the only presidents ever to have had that happen. But in fairness, at least under President Obama we don't have to listen to disco."



What Happens to Undiscovered Easter Eggs?

Apr 11, 2012

Jimmy Kimmel: "Thirty thousand kids and their parents participated in the annual White House Easter Egg Roll, which has been going on for years. At this point, there has to be thousands of undiscovered Easter eggs on the lawn of the White House. Future civilizations will think we were ruled by chickens."

Jay Leno:
"The earth's population is now well past 7 billion people. And still, the Republicans can't find one candidate they really like."

Jay Leno: "According to a new book, Gov. Rick Perry of Texas used painkillers to help him get through the Republican debates. Hey pal, join the club!"

Jay Leno: "President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Why didn't they use inside information to pay off the $15 trillion debt?"


Mega Millions and April Fools

Apr 05, 2012

Jay Leno: "Last week was the big Mega Millions drawing. Mega Millions, isn't that Mitt Romney's Secret Service code name?"

Jimmy Fallon: "On Saturday the Empire State Building went dark for an hour to draw attention to climate change. Of course, 10 endangered eagles then crashed into the building."

Jimmy Fallon: "Sunday was April Fool's Day and get this: Mitt Romney's staffers played a prank on him by staging a campaign event in an empty room. Or as Newt Gingrich put it, 'My staffers have been playing that prank on me for six months!'"

Jay Leno: "I think even President Obama realizes the Obamacare thing is not looking good in front of the Supreme Court. He's starting to downplay it. Like, today, he called it Bidencare."

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