Jimmy Kimmel: "At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you."
Bill Maher: "It's that time of year again: taxes. I know it's depressing, but just remember, you're paying for roads, bridges, hospitals and an army to keep the nation free. Unfortunately, that nation is Afghanistan."
Seth Meyers: "Rick Santorum announced that he was suspending his campaign for the Republican Presidential nomination. In his honor, sweater sleeves will be worn at half-mast."
Jay Leno: "The Obama administration is trying to distance itself from remarks made by Democratic adviser Hilary Rosen. She said that Mitt Romney's wife, a stay-at-home mother of five, has never worked a day in her life. Let me tell you something — if you're the mother of five boys, you never had a day off in your life, OK?"