Jay Leno: "On the first day of trading, Facebook shares rose less than expected. We were promised that Facebook would take off like a rocket. Apparently, it's a North Korean rocket."
Bill Maher: "Facebook went public and it is worth $104 billion. There has got to be a cheaper way to find out if your ex-girlfriend got fat."
Jimmy Fallon: "This week Mitt Romney started giving speeches while standing in front of a giant U.S. debt clock. When asked what it was like campaigning with a large electronic object, the debt clock was like, 'Not bad.'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "According to a new report from NASA, at this very moment there are about 4,700 asteroids that are big enough and close enough to pose a threat to life on Earth. But they also say we shouldn't panic. You know, if you didn't want us to panic, maybe you shouldn't have put out a press release saying there were 4,700 asteroids hurtling toward the Earth."