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May 2012 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

One Way to Wake Up a President

May 29, 2012

Jay Leno: "President Obama gave the commencement speech at Barnard College the other day. He told graduates their future is bright unless they want jobs."

Conan O'Brien: "Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg got married a couple of days ago. At the wedding, his bride wore a dress that cost nearly $5,000. That is, until the dress went public. Now it's worth $2,000."

Jimmy Fallon: "While attending meetings in Chicago last week, President Obama stayed in a hotel instead of his own house. It was annoying, though: When he asked for a wake-up call, they just showed him his latest poll numbers."

Jay Leno: "According to a new study, the average member of Congress can only speak at a tenth grade level. Which is worse than it sounds, because the average tenth grader speaks at a third grade level."

Jay & Co. on Facebook's Fizzle

May 23, 2012

Jay Leno: "On the first day of trading, Facebook shares rose less than expected. We were promised that Facebook would take off like a rocket. Apparently, it's a North Korean rocket."

Bill Maher: "Facebook went public and it is worth $104 billion. There has got to be a cheaper way to find out if your ex-girlfriend got fat."

Jimmy Fallon: "This week Mitt Romney started giving speeches while standing in front of a giant U.S. debt clock. When asked what it was like campaigning with a large electronic object, the debt clock was like, 'Not bad.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "According to a new report from NASA, at this very moment there are about 4,700 asteroids that are big enough and close enough to pose a threat to life on Earth. But they also say we shouldn't panic. You know, if you didn't want us to panic, maybe you shouldn't have put out a press release saying there were 4,700 asteroids hurtling toward the Earth."

 

Jay on JPMorgan: It Could Have Been Worse

May 21, 2012

Conan O'Brien: "Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned 28 this week. He got a watch from his girlfriend, a sweater from his parents, and from the rest of us, all of our credit card numbers."

Jay Leno: "President Obama is calling for more government reform after JPMorgan's $2 billion loss. Really, is that what we need — the government stepping in? You know what's going to happen? The government's going to teach them how to lose $2 billion a DAY!"

David Letterman: "Ron Paul has announced he's no longer campaigning. He's dropped out of the race. Can you tell the difference?"

Jimmy Fallon: "I just read about a new 24-hour daycare that's opening in India. Yeah, it's pretty cute. Instead of playing Telephone, the kids just play Tech Support."

Jay and Dave on Big Bank's $2 Billion Blunder

May 17, 2012

Jay Leno: "JPMorgan announced they lost $2 billion last quarter. That's 133 Obama-Clooney fundraisers."

David Letterman: "Mitt Romney once lost $2 billion. Then he found it in another pair of pants."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama and Mitt Romney both gave commencement speeches over the last few days. Obama was like, 'You can be whatever you want to be,' while Romney was like, 'I can be whatever you want me to be.'"

David Letterman: "North Carolina has outlawed gay marriages, and today San Francisco outlawed straight marriages. What's going on?"

 

Jay & Co. on Obama's Surprise Announcement

May 15, 2012

Jay Leno: "President Obama has come out in support of gay marriage. He said his position has been evolving for years. Miraculously, he saw the light just in time for tonight's big Hollywood fundraiser. What are the odds?"

Craig Ferguson: "I'm a little surprised how much everyone in show business wants a second term for Obama. An over-hyped sequel with a bloated budget — that's not the Hollywood I know."

Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don't believe in gay marriage or evolution."

Conan O'Brien: "The White House admitted that Vice President Biden's endorsement of gay marriage forced Obama to come out in favor of it. So, in a related story, millions of Americans are trying to get Biden hooked on pot."

 

Late-Night Jokes about a Late-Night Endorsement

May 10, 2012

Conan O'Brien: "Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney at 11:00 last night. When reached for comment, Santorum said, 'When I can't sleep, I try endorsing Mitt Romney for President and it puts me right out.'"

Conan O'Brien: "Apparently Santorum endorsed Romney via e-mail. That just makes Santorum one of the 10 million guys ashamed of what he did late last night on his computer."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Santorum woke up this morning and said, 'I endorsed who?'"

Jay Leno: "New predictions out today claim 42% of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop that is for the government to step in. Oh, yeah. When it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, what better way than the U.S. government?"

 

Jay Has a Problem with Obama's Campaign Slogan

May 09, 2012

Jimmy Fallon: "After just one term in office, French President Nicolas Sarkozy lost his re-election bid because he was unable to fix his nation's economy. Or as Obama put it, 'Uh-oh.'"

Conan O'Brien: "Obama says his campaign for a second term is still about hope and change. The President's exact words were, 'I hope I won't have to change my address.'"

Jay Leno: "Obama was in Afghanistan last week as part of his big 'Did I Mention I killed bin Laden?' tour."

Jay Leno: "The President has his new re-election campaign slogan. It's just one word: Forward. Have you been watching this election? Can we press fast forward? Can we just get this thing over with?"

Dave Celebrates a Brand New Holiday

May 04, 2012

David Letterman: "Tuesday was Osama bin Laden Day. One year ago, they got hold of Osama bin Laden. Don't we usually celebrate on a Monday?"

Jay Leno: "German authorities report they have discovered digital files hidden in a porn movie that outline Al Qaeda's plans for more terrorist attacks. I believe this is the first time that a porn film has ever contained a plot."

Craig Ferguson: "Rupert Murdoch got some bad news today. British lawmakers said Murdoch is unfit to run a company. But perfect to run a Hollywood studio, or Congress."

Jimmy Fallon: "Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people."

Dave Deflates a Gingrich Announcement

May 01, 2012

David Letterman: "Newt Gingrich said that next week he will announce that he is dropping out of the race. Isn't that already the announcement? If you say 'next week I'll announce I'm dropping out of the race,' what's the point of having the announcement next week?"

Jimmy Kimmel: "According to a new ABC poll, both Michelle Obama and Ann Romney are more popular than their husbands. At this point, so is asbestos."

Conan O'Brien: "Texas Governor Rick Perry endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Perry said he chose Romney because out of the one candidate left, he's the best."

Jay Leno: "Have you been watching this John Edwards trial? I don't know what kind of president John Edwards would have been, but I'm pretty sure he would have gotten along really well with the Secret Service."

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