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May 2013 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Everybody's A Critic

May 31, 2013

"These scandals at the White House are just getting worse. It turns out that President Obama's chief of staff knew about the scandal at the IRS three weeks before the president found out. Obama was like, 'Anything else you guys aren't telling me?' And Joe Biden was like, 'Uh . . . I broke the copier.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I feel bad for Barack Obama. He's got the Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, and the FBI wiretapping phones. The president is in so much trouble politically, he's thinking about killing bin Laden again." –David Letterman

"Michelle Obama gave a commencement at a high school in Nashville. The first lady said about her husband, 'I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures.' And today she was offered her own show on Fox News." –Jay Leno

"A lot of people are criticizing President Obama, including Michelle Obama. She recently said she could take a whole afternoon and talk about Barack's failures. She was immediately hired by Fox News." –Conan O'Brien

 

Clueless Obama

May 30, 2013

"President Obama this week denied that he knew about the inspector general's report detailing the IRS's increased scrutiny of conservative groups. So nothing to worry about, America, there's just a bunch of stuff happening that the president doesn't know about." –Seth Meyers

"A new report just came out. It says someone close to the president knew about the IRS scandal and kept his mouth shut. In other words, we can rule out Joe Biden." –Conan O'Brien

"During a fundraiser yesterday, President Obama said there is a shortage of common sense right now in Washington. At which point the people who paid $5,000 a plate for their dinner applauded in agreement." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House admitted President Obama's chief of staff had advance warning that the IRS was targeting conservative groups. President Obama says the first time he heard about the IRS and AP scandals was from the media. See, that's why President Obama holds press conferences. It's not to explain what's going on. It's to find out what's going on." –Jay Leno

 

Weiner for Mayor

May 29, 2013

"Last night at midnight, former Congressman Anthony Weiner officially announced in an online video that he is running for mayor of New York. Nothing says 'I put my sleazy past behind me' like showing a video on the Internet at midnight." –Conan O'Brien

"Anthony Weiner has formally announced he is running for mayor of New York City. He posted a video announcing it just after midnight – and being online in the middle of the night has always worked so well for Mr. Weiner." –Jay Leno

"Today the White House released 99 pages of emails on trouble in Benghazi – and one shirtless tweet from Anthony Weiner." –David Letterman

"Weiner said about New York, 'Nobody will work harder to make it better.' As opposed to his first campaign promise, which was 'Nobody will work better to make it harder.'" –Jay Leno

IRS Still Taking Heat

May 28, 2013

"It has not been a good week for President Obama. You've got Benghazi, the IRS scandal, this AP records scandal, and, worst of all, his Chicago Bulls got eliminated by the Miami Heat. Do you know what that means? LeBron James is going to get audited by the IRS." –Jay Leno

"Eagles' offensive lineman Evan Mathis posted a picture on Instagram that shows him relieving himself on an IRS building with a caption that says, 'Audit this!' Or as the IRS said, 'OK, see you tomorrow at noon.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The IRS has a new boss after it came out they unfairly targeted tea party groups. The president says the new IRS chief is not only good with numbers, but he has more integrity than the last guy. It's Bernie Madoff." –Craig Ferguson

"IRS: No one needs to avoid scandals more than you. You’re less popular with Americans than exercise." –Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

Watch Out Letterman! Your Phone May be Tapped

May 24, 2013

"Have you folks been paying attention to what's going on in Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and it looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House may go to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign." –David Letterman

"People always say this to me: 'Hey, Letterman,' they say. 'Why don't you make jokes about Obama?' All right, I'll tell you why. I don't make jokes about him because I don't want the FBI tapping my phone, that's why." –David Letterman

"They see Benghazi as a real powder keg. This scandal, they believe, may go as high as Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman

"Here's the problem. When you get scandals in Washington – like the IRS, Benghazi, and the FBI – it really gets in the way of not getting things done. If they don't fix these crises pretty soon, honest to God, it could bring gridlock to a screeching halt." –David Letterman

Obama the New Nixon?

May 23, 2013

"This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn't like. Thank God those days are gone forever." –Jay Leno

"A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Richard Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon's unemployment rate was only 5 percent." –Jay Leno

"This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it's bad when President Obama says, 'Hey, why don't we talk about Benghazi?" –Jay Leno '

"The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don't worry. If you're in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by the White House. They've gone from 'Change you can believe in' to 'Changing the story until you believe it.'" –Jay Leno

Bad Week for Obama

May 22, 2013

"President Obama is not having a good week. With three scandals shaking the White House, they're saying this is one of the worst weeks of Obama's presidency. Obama was like, 'How could things get worse?' And Joe Biden was like, 'You rang?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, Joe Biden says he spends four or five hours every day with President Obama. In response, Obama said hiring that Obama impersonator was the best decision I've ever made." –Conan O'Brien

"Since President Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost nine governorships, 56 members of Congress, and two Senate seats. In his defense, Obama said, 'Well, I did promise change.'" –Conan O'Brien

"China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S. I don't have a joke here. I'd just like to give a round of applause to whatever genius has been selling trash to China." –Conan O'Brien

Scandalously Clad Obama

May 21, 2013

"First it was Benghazi, then the IRS scandal, and now this phone records scandal. Remember the old days when President Obama's biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days?" –Jay Leno


"I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole targeting conservative groups thing. He said, 'Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation.' Yeah, 'Mistakes were made' – try saying THAT during your next IRS audit." –Jay Leno

"It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for two months. Obama promised reporters that the incident will be immediately investigated – by the Department of Justice." –Jimmy Fallon

"Some Republicans are saying that due to his current scandals, President Obama should be impeached. In response, Obama laughed and said, 'Two words fellas: President Biden.'" –Conan O'Brien

Ill Repute Scandal, a.k.a. the IRS

May 20, 2013

"President Obama's right in the middle of three scandals. The IRS ratting out people it doesn't like. Benghazi, number two. And they say Obama has been phone tapping the AP. So three big scandals. Here's what I prefer: Weiner and Spitzer. Now those are scandals my writers can really work with." –David Letterman

"Well, congratulations, President Barack Obama, Conspiracy theorists who generally can survive in anaerobic environments have just had an algae bloom dropped on their fucking heads, thus removing the last arrow in your pro-governance quiver: skepticism about your opponents." –Jon Stewart on the IRS scandal

"Folks this proves that everything I've ever said about Obama is true. It's official. He's a secret Muslim, shape-shifting alien from Kenya who is coming for our guns. And Bo is a member of the Illuminati." –Stephen Colbert on the IRS scandal

"The IRS has now admitted that they targeted conservative groups for extra scrutiny. That's why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad — to keep the IRS off his back." –Jay Leno

Houston, Our Government has a Problem

May 14, 2013

Conan O'Brien: "According to a new poll, Americans trust Judge Judy more than they trust Supreme Court justices. She won her trust after her landmark decision in the case of Drunk Lady vs. Other Drunk Lady."

Jay Leno: "New predictions claim that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop it is for government to step in. Oh, yeah, that will work. When it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, who knows better than the U.S. government?"

David Letterman: "The stock market is at an all-time high. People at home are saying, 'Well, that would be great if I had a job.'" 

Jimmy Fallon: "Biden gave advice on how to avoid war with North Korea. Or, in other words, we're going to war with North Korea."

Tearing Into Sanford

May 10, 2013

"In South Carolina, former Governor Mark Sanford won a congressional seat after dragging around and debating a cardboard cutout of Nancy Pelosi. Then someone explained that was Nancy Pelosi." –Conan O'Brien

"What can I say? The voters of South Carolina have spoken. Mark Sanford beat my sister, and I believe that means Mark Sanford is now my sister. And on behalf of my entire family, I want to say we're deeply sorry about him." –Stephen Colbert

"Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he'll fit right in." –Jay Leno

"Today Sanford said his first order of business was improving relations with South America." –Jay Leno

Governor Chris Christie is so Fat...

May 09, 2013

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list." –Conan O'Brien

"Chris Christie revealed he had lap-band surgery in February. President Obama wished him well. In fact, Obama is now thinking about having Joe Biden's mouth stapled." –Jay Leno

"Lap-band surgery is said to be slower than other procedures. Typically, patients lose one to two pounds a week. Which means the governor could be down to a healthy weight in about 100 years." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Governor Christie is now saying that his decision had nothing to do with 2016, which by the way is his cholesterol." –David Letterman

 

Foreign Affairs, A Laughing Matter

May 08, 2013

"Yesterday President Obama warned Congress not to delay the immigration reform bill. You can tell he's getting tough because if they keep delaying the bill, he says he might even warn them again." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is in Mexico. He'll be on hand to celebrate Mexico's economic successes over the last few years. See, that's how it works now. If President Obama wants to celebrate an economic success, he actually has to leave the country." –Jay Leno

"That's right. Two Popes now under one roof. Can you believe that? Yeah, they're just one-half Pope away from being a sitcom on CBS." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama held a press conference today. He said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn't know how to do it. He should do what he always does. Declare it a small business and tax it out of existence." –Jay Leno

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