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Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Late-nite comedy

Jun 25, 2009

Conan O’Brien: “The Navy has dispatched a destroyer named the USS John McCain to deal with the North Korean ship that may have illegal weapons. Well, actually, the Navy didn’t dispatch the John McCain, it just kind of wandered off on its own.”

Conan O’Brien: “The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, announced he is not…going to run for governor of California. … Villaraigosa realized he had no chance of becoming governor of California because he was born in this country and you can understand every word he says.”

David Letterman: “Do you know anything about this…swindling weasel Bernie Madoff? … He’s in jail now and they haven’t even sentenced the guy yet. But he’s in the cooler right now. And he is barred -- I heard this today -- barred from working in the securities industry. I’m thinking, well, great. How is the guy supposed to earn a living when he gets out of jail in 150 years?”

David Letterman: “Bernie could be going away for 150 years. Whoa, man, that’s a long time. I mean, when he gets out, the Republicans could be back in.”

David Letterman: “Ahmadinejad has declared himself the winner of the election and is planning his inauguration. And I said, ‘Well, why not? The country is really in a party mood. Let’s go. Let’s get those plans in order. Let’s have some fun.’”

David Letterman: “Anybody here from South Carolina? … Well, their governor, their Governor Mark Sanford…just disappears for four days. … Literally, takes a hike. He’s out. And now, he’s back. And he says, ‘Well what’s the big deal? I was just on a vacation to clear my head.’ You see, we never had that head-clearing problem with Bush. You know what I mean?”

David Letterman: “This is a big story because his wife, the governor’s wife, had no idea where the guy was for four days. And today he gets a call from Bill Clinton saying, ‘Hey, who’s your travel agent? Who, where, how do I – how do I get in on this?’”

David Letterman: “Here’s a big story, ladies and gentlemen. Yesterday, there was an earthquake in Alaska. I’m kind of afraid to say anything.”

Jimmy Fallon: “Everybody, the Department of Homeland Security says that they will no longer use any US spy satellites for domestic surveillance. In other words, yes, they will.”

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