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Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Late Night Laughs

Aug 12, 2008
Jay Leno: “Thank you very much. All these young people” here to see the Jonas Brothers. This “is like the opposite of a John McCain rally.”

 

Jay Leno: “Congress went on a five-week vacation starting today. And boy, they deserve it, don’t they? They got so much done this year -- solved the energy crisis, healthcare, Social Security, immigration. Whew! Take a break, fellas.”

Jay Leno: “You ever notice that Congress doesn’t even call it a vacation?” They “call it” a recess. You “ever notice the only people that get recess are Congress,” kindergarteners, and juries, the “three groups you can’t trust to make an adult decision.”

Jay Leno: “Paris Hilton’s mother very upset because John McCain has put Paris in his campaign video. … Isn’t that amazing? Of all the videos Paris Hilton’s been in, this is the one Mom’s upset about?”

Jay Leno: “The McCain campaign has accused Barack Obama of being ‘elitist’ and using the ‘race card.’ Yeah, yeah. The Obama campaign accused McCain of being ‘old’ and using the ‘Discover Card.’”

Jay Leno: “And the ‘Boston Globe’ reports that political experts are telling Barack Obama that when he’s on vacation in Hawaii, he should stay away from loud Hawaiian shirts and Speedos. Well, isn’t that pretty much good advice for any middle aged guy?”

Jay Leno: “Have you seen these commercials where T. Boone Pickens…says he wants to rely more on natural gas and wind power for energy. And once again, President Bush, you know, I don’t think he really understands alternative fuels. Like today, he said, ‘How do you drill for wind?’”

David Letterman: “John McCain had a great weekend. He met with his ham radio club,” and “then he played horseshoes at the senior center.”

David Letterman: “They say John McCain is 71, but people are now saying he may be older. No one knows for sure because his birth certificate was destroyed when the wagon train was attacked.”

David Letterman: “Do you remember Hillary Clinton? … She was running for president, and her campaign was, like, $30 million in debt,” so “she’s trying to raise…enough money to pay off the debt. And here’s how you can help. If you contribute $5 to erase” her “campaign debt, you can have dinner with her.” For “$10, you get to tie the lobster bib on her pantsuit.”

Conan O’Brien: “Today, President Bush left on a seven-day trip to Asia,” where he will “visit South Korea, Thailand, and China. … Or, as Bush refers to them, ‘China, China, and China.’”

Conan O’Brien: “Barack Obama has agreed to debate John McCain three times this fall,” but “both candidates have conditions. Obama wants the debates to be held on college campuses,” while McCain “wants them to be held before 7:00 p.m.”


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