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December 2008 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Late Night Laughs

Dec 29, 2008
Jay Leno: "It was so cold in Alaska, somebody is putting chapstick on a pig."

 

David Letterman: "One percent of Americans participating in this poll believe – believe -- Dick Cheney is the best Vice President ever. Everybody else in the poll believes that that one percent should be wearing funny hats."

Conan O'Brien: "The White House staff has been briefing Barack Obama's team on a series of worst-case scenarios that could face the country after President Bush leaves office. That's the latest. Yeah. Apparently, the absolute worst case scenario is that Bush doesn't leave office."


Leno Laughs

Dec 24, 2008

Jay Leno:
“It was so cold in Chicago,” Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was “trying to sell Senate seat warmers.”

Jay Leno: “The roads were closed in Malibu. In fact, there was so much snow, a lot of celebrities couldn’t get to the global warming conference.”

Jay Leno: “I tell you,” the “economy’s rough. … People are standing behind President Bush just to get the free shoes.”


Chuckles from David & Conan

Dec 19, 2008
David Letterman: "Everybody looks forward to 'Time' magazine naming their 'person of the year.' And today, they named Barack Obama person of the year. ... That's right. Finally, things are starting to go his way."

 

Conan O'Brien: "Speaking of the President, in a recent interview, President Bush said that he has a collection of over 250 autographed baseballs. Yeah. Unfortunately, the question the interviewer asked was: Do you have an exit strategy for Iraq?"

Conan O'Brien: "The Illinois Supreme Court refused to hear a motion to throw" Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich "out of office. Yeah. Afterwards, Blagojevich thanked the Supreme Court and said, 'Your check is in the mail.'"


Late-Night Laughs

Dec 17, 2008
David Letterman: “Golden Globe nominations out today,” and “Sarah Palin was nominated for” one. Her category is “Outstanding Comedy Performance in a Presidential Campaign.”

Conan O’Brien: “Yesterday President-elect Barack Obama called on Illinois Governor Blagojevich to resign. … And after…hearing this, Blagojevich said, ‘If he wants to call and talk to me, it’s $4.99 a minute.’”

Jimmy Kimmel: “Barack Obama had another press conference today. Among other things, he talked about the economy.” He “says job prospects are worse than they have been in 26 years. This Obama is turning out to be a real bummer with these speeches, isn’t he?”


Leno Laughs about Illinois

Dec 15, 2008
Jay Leno: “Hey, you probably saw this on the news. A very embarrassing moment at the Illinois State Capitol today.” Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich “attended the opening of the nativity scene. And when the three wise men showed up with gifts for the baby Jesus,” Blagojevich “demanded half the loot.”

 

Jay Leno: “You know what sign” Blagojevich “was born under? ‘For sale.’ I believe that was the sign.”

Jay Leno: “Actually, it’s getting pretty serious. President-elect Barack Obama has called for” Blagojevich “to resign, but he refused. He refused a directive from the next President of the United States, to which Hillary Clinton said, ‘So?’”

Jay Leno: “And of course, the bad news for Governor Blagojevich is that there’s no chance President Bush will pardon him because Bush can’t even pronounce his name.”

Jay Leno: “People close to the” case talked about Blagojevich. They “said that he was willing to do anything for money. That’s why he was going to sell the Senate seat. See, that is so wrong. You know, in this country -- let me tell you something. If you want money, you do what everybody else does, okay? You go to Congress and you demand a bailout. That’s what we do.”

Jay Leno: “And I love this idea. Congress wants to promote a car czar to oversee the auto industry. You know, even if he’s half as successful as Bill Bennett was as the drug czar, oh, our problems will be solved.”

Jay Leno: “A car czar. What democracy has a czar?”

Jay Leno: “And according to ‘The Washington Post,’ during his eight years in office, President Bush spent 2,496 hours on the treadmill, elliptical machine, and mountain bike. And spent another 15 minutes working on the economy.”

Jay Leno: “A rare snowstorm hit New Orleans today. It snowed in New Orleans. You see that? Unbelievable. Not wasting any time, FEMA announced they will have plows in the New Orleans area within the next six to eight months.”

Jay Leno: “In a recent interview with ABC, President Bush said he is not a literalist when it comes to the Bible, or the Constitution either, for that matter.”


Late-Night Humor

Dec 12, 2008
David Letterman: “Yeah, when former New York Governor Elliott Spitzer heard about Governor Blagojevich, he said, ‘Hey, you call that a scandal? No, I don’t think so.’”

 

David Letterman: “Well, it looks like the Big Three auto makers are going to get some bailout money. … But the CEOs, these guys, they have promised when they get the bailout money, they can’t use it to give themselves big, big year-end bonuses. They said, ‘Well, no, of course not. That’s what the employee pension funds are for.’”

Conan O’Brien: “Now, some Senate leaders in Washington say they’re…very close to reaching a bailout deal for the car companies. The senators say it’s taking so long because every time they almost get a deal, the car executives say, ‘I have to go back and check with my manager.’”

Conan O’Brien: “Speaking of Senate seats, this morning, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested by the FBI because he was trying to sell the Senate seat being vacated by Barack Obama. … Blagojevich says he’s sorry he tried to sell the seat and extremely sorry he did it on Craigslist.” =


Jokes from Jay, Dave & Conan

Dec 10, 2008
Jay Leno: "Insiders say that President Bush and his wife Laura have already bought a home in Dallas, Texas, to move into after they leave the White House. And if this turns out to be true, this would be the first time in his Presidency he's actually had an exit strategy."

 

Jay Leno: "President-elect Barack Obama was on 'Meet the Press' yesterday, and he told the American people the economy was 'going to get worse before it gets better.' ... See, that's when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election? 'The audacity of hope!' 'Yes, we can!' 'A change we can believe in!' Now it's, 'We're all screwed.'"

Jay Leno: "Senator Chris Dodd said the CEO of GM should resign as part of any bailout deal. His feeling is if you run up a giant deficit, and you don't give the American people what they want, you should resign. Wait, how did" Dodd "keep his job?"

David Letterman: "Let me just say a word about these jokes that I am telling right now, ladies and gentlemen. Like President-elect Obama says, 'It's going to get worse before it gets better.'"

Conan O'Brien: "This weekend, at a Kennedy Center Awards ceremony, Barbra Streisand kissed President George W. Bush. Yeah. The ultimate liberal kissed President George W. Bush. Yeah. Afterward, Bush said, 'Who was that guy?'" me: recall, in entirety


Obama, Mars & Palin

Dec 09, 2008
Jay Leno: “Looks like Barack Obama has been giving jobs to all the Democrats who ran against him for president. … Joe Biden got Vice President. Hillary Clinton, Secretary of State. Bill Richardson…got Commerce Secretary. And today, he even hired Dennis Kucinich to play the elf at next year’s White House Christmas party.”

 

Jay Leno: “And some more bad news. NASA announced today that we are delaying our mission to Mars until 2012 because of the economic crisis. Yeah. Apparently, the dollar is really weak on Mars right now.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “Remember last month the big story about all the money that the Republican National Committee spent on clothes for Sarah Palin and her family? I believe it was $150,000. Well today, the RNC tacked another $30,000 on to that. … Who would have guessed that the Republicans’ October surprise turned out to be their credit card bill?”

Jimmy Kimmel: “Palin said she would gladly have bought everything herself, but in Alaska, the governor’s salary of $120,000 a year is paid entirely in fish, which most department stores do not accept.”


Bush Buys a House

Dec 08, 2008
Jay Leno: "President Bush and his lovely wife Laura have purchased a new home in Dallas, Texas, worth $2 million. See, this is where president Bush has outsmarted everybody. People underestimate this guy. Five months ago, he would have had to pay 10 million bucks for that house, but thanks to his economic plan, he got it at a bargain. The man is a genius!"

 


Leno Laughs

Dec 03, 2008
Jay Leno: "Stock market lost 679 points today. It's not even a stock – that's a flea market. That's what it is now."

 

Jay Leno: "Right wing pundit Ann Coulter has broken her jaw, and the doctor has wired it shut. ... He didn't wire it shut for medical reasons. He said it was the holidays, he wanted to do something nice for people."

Jay Leno: "Oh, speaking of religion, Barack Obama still has not chosen a church to attend in Washington, DC. How hard could it be for him to find a reverend? How hard is that?"


Turkey Day & the Economy

Dec 02, 2008
David Letterman: "Hey, you know today is the busiest shopping day of the year. How about that, huh? And good news for the economy: So far, four shoppers have shown up."

 

David Letterman: "Let me give you an idea how desperate the economy is here in New York City." It is "so desperate, the crack dealers...are now offering free nachos."

David Letterman: "Hey, how about that Thanksgiving Day Parade. ... And of course, the culmination is the arrival of Santa and his elves." And "tomorrow, as a matter of fact, they're going down to Washington to try to get some of that bailout money."

Craig Ferguson: "Do you know who doesn't do well the day after Thanksgiving? Restaurants, because everyone's got food at home, everyone's got leftovers. ... The word leftovers comes from the Russian word leftov, which means warmed-over food. It doesn't really. I made that up. But I do that all the time. I'm like Wikipedia" or "Fox News."


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