David Letterman: “I don’t know if you know this, but John McCain has now got a bandage on his head. … Apparently, he tried to answer the iron.”

David Letterman: “Here’s good news. Bill Clinton will be out on the campaign trail getting people to vote for Obama. Uhhh...Isn’t that what he was doing for Hillary?”

David Letterman: “But Bill Clinton is campaigning for Obama. President Bush is campaigning for McCain. And I’m thinking, wow, this could really be the year for Ralph Nader.”

Craig Ferguson: “It’s a great day for America, everybody,” because “the Democrats announced today there won’t be any fried food at their convention. … In other words, Al Gore won’t be there.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “The latest Bloomberg poll shows” Barack Obama “has a 15-point lead over John McCain.” Obama “leads in men, in women, with young people” and “minorities. In fact,” McCain is only “beating Obama…in calcium deposits.”

David Letterman: Top Ten Things Overheard on Hillary Clinton’s First Day Back at Work.
“10. ‘Nice of you to show up.’
9. ‘Did you win?’
8. ‘We chipped in for a welcome back pantsuit.’
7. ‘Should I take the Madame President nameplate off your door?’
6. ‘Hillary’s choking another superdelegate.’
5. ‘On the bright side, you can once again partake in endless debates about agricultural subsidies.’
4. ‘Senator Clinton, please stop throwing wads of paper at Senator Obama’s head.’
3. ‘I can’t believe your shrill message of fear didn’t resonate.’
2. ‘Please stop taunting her, Senator Kerry.’
1. ‘We’ll begin as soon as Senator Craig returns from the restroom.’”

David Letterman: “How about this, ladies and gentlemen? Hillary Clinton is out campaigning with Barack Obama. … She says if it goes well, she’ll consider making him her running mate.”

Craig Ferguson: “Arnold Schwarzenegger met John McCain today.” And “it was a very awkward moment when they shook hands because McCain’s hand broke off.”

Craig Ferguson: “John McCain and Barack Obama have both laid out their energy plans. Obama wants enough ‘green’ energy to power the entire US economy, and McCain just wants enough energy to stay up past nine o’clock.”

David Letterman: “Well, here it goes. We’re heating up the presidential campaign,” and John McCain and Barack Obama are “already bickering” about what “to do when they catch Osama bin Laden. … Obama wants to bring him to trial,” but “McCain wants to shoot him. Both really good ideas,” but “I said to myself, ‘Guys, guys, how about somebody finding him first?’”

David Letterman: “Barack Obama” has “apparently” started “a fashion trend, and Italy is designing clothing based on how Barack Obama dresses. And I said, ‘Well, yeah, that’ll connect him with the angry working class voters.’”

David Letterman: “But…John McCain” has also “inspired a new line of clothing. And I believe if you want some of the John McCain stuff, it’s being sold at the Very Old Navy.”

Craig Ferguson: “John McCain says that if elected president, he will give a $300 million prize to anyone who can design a new car battery.” McCain “can get a new type” of battery “invented because he’s the guy…that came up with the idea of not cranking” the car “up at the start.”

Jay Leno: “Thanks for coming out on such a hot day. … It was so hot, Barack Obama met with Al Gore just for the shade.”

Jay Leno: “Yesterday, a bunch of these Bear Stearns hedge funds guys were arrested for shady business practices. Talk about turning lemons into lemonade, today Bear Stearns…announced they’re opening a new division specializing in bail bonds.”

Jay Leno: “The government says they’re focusing on some e-mails that show these guys may have given bad investment advice. For example, a lot of the e-mails began, ‘I’m a diplomat currently living in exile in Nigeria.’”

Jay Leno: “President Bush and Senator John McCain were both touring the flood-damaged areas of Iowa this week, but they did not cross each other’s path. McCain said he didn’t want to join up with Bush because that might send the wrong message. You know, nothing turns voters off more than people getting together for a noble cause.”

Jay Leno: “Well, listen to this. According to a Pentagon report this week, more than 1,000 nuclear missile components in the US arsenal are lost and cannot be located. Huh? We can’t even find our own weapons of mass destruction.”

Jay Leno: “In their defense,” the “Air Force said today there is a big difference between something being missing and just not being able to find it, which would be okay if you’re talking about a pair of lost sunglasses!

Jay Leno: “Today, Ralph Nader attacked Barack Obama for refusing to accept public financing for his campaign and said that Obama was too closely tied to big business. … Yeah, then the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench said, ‘Shut up!’”

David Letterman: “President Bush has ordered…his troops now to find Osama bin Laden. Yep. Boy, he really jumped on that one, didn’t he?”

Conan O’Brien: “Last night, President Bush held a celebration at the White House honoring jazz. … Yeah. It was an awkward moment when Bush said, ‘This is great. It’s just like being in an elevator.’”

Jay Leno: “President Bush went to Iowa today.” He “wanted to show Iowans that disaster is difficult, but it can be overcome. Of course, people in Iowa were a little confused. They weren’t sure which disaster President Bush was talking about, the floods or his presidency. Which one?”

Jay Leno: “And Hillary Clinton is taking a month off from her job as senator to rest up from her campaign. How does that work? Think about this. You’ve been neglecting your job, trying to get a better job,” which you do not get. So, you then “take a month off from the job you were trying to get out of and go on vacation. Huh?”

Jay Leno: “Imagine if you tried that with your boss. ‘Hey, boss, listen. Boss, I’ll tell you, I’ve been looking for another job. I am exhausted! I want to take a month off. Here’s where you can send my check.’ Ah, stop it!”

Jay Leno: “And Michelle Obama, Barack Obama’s wife, was on ‘The View’ yesterday, and she managed to do something on that show that no one else has ever done. She got a word in edgewise.”

Jay Leno: “And President Bush spoke at a campaign rally in support of John McCain. They raised millions and millions of dollars, most of which will be used to repair the damage of President Bush supporting John McCain at a campaign rally.”

Conan O’Brien: “Yesterday on ‘The View,’” Barack Obama’s “wife Michelle did the fist-bump with all the co-hosts. … And then she said that the fist-bump is the new high-five.” After “hearing this, John McCain asked, ‘What the hell is a high-five?’”

Conan O’Brien: “The latest rumor is that Hillary Clinton,” who “lost the Democratic nomination,” is “going to divorce Bill Clinton. … Yeah, Hillary’s exact quote was, ‘Just because my dream didn’t come true doesn’t mean his shouldn’t.’”

Jimmy Kimmel: “Barack Obama announced today he will not accept $85 million in public financing for his presidential campaign. I guess he’s raising more money on his own,” but “$85 million is a lot of money.” In fact, that much money “can get you a whole summer’s worth of gas for your SUV.”

Jay Leno: “You know, I’ll tell you, things are not good. The price of oil doubled in less than a year. Home foreclosures are at a record high. Unemployment is surging. But yesterday…we saw a ray of hope. President Bush left the country. So maybe things will get better.”

 

Jay Leno: “Well, according to the most recent survey, 14% of the people believe that we will see $5 a gallon gas by the end of the year. … The other 86% think we’ll see it by the end of the week.”

Jay Leno: “Well, today it was made public that Hillary Clinton spent $212 million on her campaign for the nomination. … The last time anybody spent that kind of money to come in second was the New York Yankees.”

Jay Leno: “But you know something? I think Hillary may secretly be glad that this whole thing is over, because now she can go back to doing what she loves most -- hunting, drinking whiskey, shooting. You know, get back to her roots, as we saw.”

Jay Leno: “Well, the good news is Hillary is on Barack Obama’s list for potential vice presidents. … The bad news: she’s just a little bit below the Reverend Wright.”

Jay Leno: “But I thought Hillary was very gracious” in her concession speech. She gave Barack Obama “her full support. And today, she sent him a basket of fresh tomatoes.”

Jay Leno: “Well, Barack Obama took the weekend off from campaigning. He said on Saturday night he went on a date with his wife, Michelle. … The nice thing is they can stay out late on Saturday nights without having to worry about getting up to go to church anymore.”

Jay Leno: “And in his new blog -- you know, he’s got a blog. McCain has a blog now. He announced he is a huge Abba fan. Abba! Well, that will bring in the young voters, huh?”

Jay Leno: “And John McCain has a new slogan: ‘A leader we can believe in.” That’s a good slogan. Don’t confuse that with President Bush’s slogan: ‘We can't believe he’s our leader.’”

Jay Leno: “A lot of US airports are getting these full body scanners, you know, where they can actually see through your clothes. And a lot of people are uncomfortable with this. And they say anyone who is uncomfortable can choose to get patted down instead. Well, that’s a nice choice.”

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