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August 2008 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Late-nite comedy

Aug 29, 2008

Jay Leno: “Hey, there’s now talk John McCain may choose a woman as his running mate. So, there’s hope for Hillary yet!”

Jay Leno: “I thought Hillary Clinton gave a great speech last night” at the Democratic National Convention, but “about that tangerine-colored pantsuit she was wearing. Maybe I’m wrong, but didn’t Elton John wear that at the Grammys last year?”

Jay Leno: “Barack Obama chose Joe Biden” as “his running mate,” and a “lot of people are saying in the media that Biden was the logical choice. … Biden got, what, 8,000 votes during the primaries? Hillary got 18 million votes. Well, that’s logical, sure!”

Jay Leno: “Barack Obama will give his big speech tomorrow night at Invesco Field, a football stadium, which is appropriate, considering how many times the Democrats have fumbled the past couple of years.”

Jay Leno: “Well, as you know, the Democratic convention is being held this week at the Pepsi Center in Denver. … Don’t confuse that with John McCain’s convention next week. That’s at the PoliGrip Center.”

Jay Leno: “Here’s a little political fact. Dick Cheney is the first Vice President in 80 years not to run for president. Actually, Cheney did consider four more years, but his doctor only gave him 2 1/2.”

Jay Leno: “President Bush declared some counties” hit by Tropical Storm Fay “disaster areas, so they could get federal assistance. Once again, see, I think Bush means well,” but “I don’t think he really understands. Like, today, he said it’s important to help” Florida, because “he considers it ‘one of our most important allies for when we fight the Georgians.’”

David Letterman: “By the way, if the” presidential “election were held tomorrow, who would vote for Barack Obama,” and who would “vote for John McCain? They are, as you probably know, ideologically speaking, they are two completely different nominees. For example, one offers you hope,” the “other offers you a dish of hard candy.”

Conan O’Brien: “During the Democratic convention…delegates are being warned, this year, not to drink too much. … Yeah, when asked why, Democratic officials said, ‘Last time we got drunk at our convention, we ended up nominating Walter Mondale.’”

Conan O’Brien: “The publisher of Simon & Schuster came out with a children’s book about Barack Obama. … Yeah, they also came out with a children’s book about John McCain called ‘Horton Gets a Hearing Aid.’”

Conan O’Brien: “A woman in Illinois has discovered that her Jeep Cherokee used to be owned by Barack Obama.” You “can tell the jeep is Obama’s, because Hillary Clinton keeps trying to get in the driver’s seat.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “Barack Obama’s…running mate…spoke tonight” at the Democratic National Convention. And “after all the name-related problems this campaign has had, why Obama would pick a vice president with the last name Biden is beyond me. … Obama, Biden – it’s like they’re trying to make the ticket sound as much like Osama bin Laden as possible.”


Late-nite comedy

Aug 28, 2008

Jay Leno: “Well, the Olympics are over.” The “great thing about the Olympics” is you have people that “are otherwise enemies…pretending to get along for a couple of days. Oh, I’m sorry, that was the Democratic convention.”

Jay Leno: “Hey, earlier this evening, Hillary Clinton spoke at the Democratic convention. It’s pretty amazing. She gave her entire speech while biting her tongue. Do you know how hard that is?”

Jay Leno: “In fact, while Michelle Obama gave her speech, Barack Obama watched the whole thing from a family’s living room in Missouri. … I mean, I know it’s tough getting a hotel room in Denver right now, but come on.”

Jay Leno: “And as you know, Barack Obama has chosen Delaware Sen. Joseph Biden to be his vice presidential running mate.” Biden “has 35 years experience in Washington,” so “between the two of them, that’s almost 36 years of experience.”

David Letterman: Top Ten Things Overheard At The Democratic National Convention.

“10. ‘Check it out – Bill Clinton and John Edwards are hitting on the same woman.’
9. ‘The decorations are made from John Kerry 2004 bumper stickers.’
8. ‘I think the Chinese delegates are underage.’
7. ‘No, Mr. President, you belong at the Republican convention.’
6. ‘Sen. Biden, do you think you’ll shoot an old guy in the face?’
5. ‘Shut up! I’m trying to listen to Wisconsin Gov. Jim Doyle.’
4. No number 4 – writer at screening of ‘House Bunny.’
3. ‘Coming up next, a look at Democratic candidates’ greatest concession speeches.’
2. ‘Yes, at midnight they’re going to tase Andy Dick.’
1. ‘Hey, it’s a giant Al Gore balloon! Oh, wait. That’s Al Gore.’”

David Letterman: “It was so nice today in New York City that John McCain is buying a house here.”

David Letterman: “And of course today Hillary Clinton spoke at the Democratic National Convention. And Bill Clinton was there, cheering “and applauding. So was his date.”
Conan O’Brien: “Of course, last night, Michelle Obama” gave “a very nice speech” at the convention. She “said she’s been in love with Barack ever since he took her on their first date and bought her ice cream.” Meanwhile, “John McCain’s wife Cindy said she’s been in love with McCain ever since he hit her over the head with a club and dragged her back to his cave.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “Tonight, Sen. Hillary Clinton” gave a “highly anticipated” convention speech. People “were curious to find out how she would endorse her former foe,” and she “endorsed him pretty strongly,” saying “whatever you’re feeling about the primaries, now is the time for the Democrats to put aside…differences [and] come together to rally behind Mr. Potato Ears.”

Chuckles from Conan

Aug 27, 2008
Conan O’Brien: “Today, the moderators were announced for the upcoming presidential debates. … Apparently, Barack Obama insisted on someone who asks even-handed, probing questions, while John McCain insisted on someone who will talk into his good ear.”

 

Conan O’Brien: “John McCain does not want Dick Cheney to attend the Republican convention, because he says he’s too unpopular. … When asked to comment, Cheney said, ‘I hope the Senator reconsiders.’ Then he turned into a bat and flew away.”


Late-nite comedy

Aug 22, 2008

Jay Leno: “And Barack Obama now says he’s open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind.”

Jay Leno: “Well, John McCain’s daughter is now writing a children’s book based on her father’s life. See, the research has been difficult because, as you know, much of McCain’s early life story is only available through folklore.”

Jay Leno: “And there’s a new movie opening this week called ‘What We Do Is A Secret,’ which I think was John Edwards’ campaign slogan once.”

Jay Leno: “Analysts say a weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. So basically, the worse the economy is, the lower the oil prices, to which Bush said, ‘That’s been my energy plan all along!’ This guy is a genius!”

Conan O’Brien: “Today, the moderators were announced for the upcoming presidential debates. … Apparently, Barack Obama insisted on someone who asks even-handed, probing questions, while John McCain insisted on someone who will talk into his good ear.”

Conan O’Brien: “John McCain does not want Dick Cheney to attend the Republican convention, because he says he’s too unpopular. … When asked to comment, Cheney said, ‘I hope the Senator reconsiders.’ Then he turned into a bat and flew away.”

Late-nite comedy

Aug 21, 2008

Jay Leno: “Since Congress went on recess, oil prices have dropped to $118 a barrel. That’s, like, a $30 drop from the record high. You know, maybe Congress should take more vacations, huh?”

Jay Leno: “Actually, analysts say a weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. Yeah. Basically, the worse the economy, the lower the oil prices, which means if Bush could serve one more term, oil would be free.”

Jay Leno: “Well, Barack Obama and John McCain have both switched their positions on offshore oil drilling. They both used to be against it, but now they say they are for it under the right circumstances, like if it helps them get elected.”

Jay Leno: “The International Olympic Committee is saying that the yellow-gray haze over Beijing is not pollution, it is only mist. … Okay, it’s lead mist, but still.”

Jay Leno: “Have you seen China’s slogan for the Olympics? Here it is. “One world, one dream.’ But see the asterisk? Go in close. What does it say? ‘Restrictions apply, Tibet not included.’”

Jay Leno: “And because of this entire Brett Favre situation,” which has “turned out to be such a public relations disaster, the Green Bay Packers have hired President Bush’s former spokesman Ari Fleischer. … So you know what the Packers are going to do now? Invade Iraq.”

David Letterman: “Well, the big debates are coming up.” Barack Obama “wants to debate about foreign policy,” while “John McCain wants to debate about the big band era.”

David Letterman: “You know, I like John McCain. He looks like the guy that hangs out at the driving range,” always “giving you unwanted tips. … ‘You’re topping the ball. You’re top -- give me the club. You’re topping the damn ball!’”

Conan O’Brien: “Of course, Barack Obama” is “still continuing to dominate media coverage. ‘The New York Times’ just did a big piece” in which they “say that Barack Obama has been successful in politics because he’s a black man who doesn’t make white people feel threatened,” which “explains Obama’s Secret Service code name, ‘Al Roker.’

Late-nite comedy

Aug 20, 2008

Jay Leno: “And in an interview recorded by the BBC in Africa, Bill Clinton told people in Africa to practice monogamy and that we need to control unprotected sexual relations with unlimited numbers of partners. In fact, the minute he said that, the Secret Service wrestled him to the ground and said, ‘Who are you and what have you done with the real Bill Clinton?’”

Jay Leno: “And as you may have heard, Osama bin Laden’s driver found guilty of supporting terrorism. Osama bin Laden very upset today. He said, ‘From now on, when I hire a driver, I’m going to do a background check.’”

Conan O’Brien: “Barack Obama now is giving interviews where he’s opening up about his life. The candidates want to reveal their personal side. In a new interview that just came out, Barack Obama said as a kid, he cried when he saw the movie ‘Born free.’ Very nice. Yeah. Yeah, meanwhile, John McCain said, as a kid, he cried because movies weren’t invented yet.”

A Good Laugh

Aug 19, 2008
Craig Ferguson: “The police in Denver are getting ready for the Democratic National Convention. They’re ordering the stun guns, the barbed wire, the plastic handcuffs,” and “that’s just for Bill Clinton’s room.”

A Good Laugh

Aug 18, 2008

Craig Ferguson: "Sources say that Colin Powell
        is planning to endorse Barack Obama," which is "bad news for
        John McCain. But at his age, he should expect some colon problems."


     

Craig Ferguson: "Cindy McCain went to the hospital
        because she sprained her wrist. And her doctors are saying it's nothing
        serious, the sprain is probably just from cutting John's meat into little
        tiny pieces."


     

Laughs to Close Out the Week

Aug 15, 2008
Jay Leno: “Since Congress went on recess, oil prices have dropped to $118 a barrel. That’s, like, a $30 drop from the record high. You know, maybe Congress should take more vacations, huh?”

 

Jay Leno: “Actually, analysts say a weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. Yeah. Basically, the worse the economy, the lower the oil prices, which means if Bush could serve one more term, oil would be free.”

Jay Leno: “Well, Barack Obama and John McCain have both switched their positions on offshore oil drilling. They both used to be against it, but now they say they are for it under the right circumstances, like if it helps them get elected.”

Jay Leno: “And according to CNN, Vice President Dick Cheney is unlikely to attend the Republican convention this summer. That’s when you know you’re popular, huh?”

Jay Leno: “No, it’s a logistical problem. Apparently, all the ambulances are already on standby for John McCain.”

Jay Leno: “President Bush is on his way to China. His first order of business, meeting the ‘Kung Fu Panda.’”

Jay Leno: “And in China, the Olympic torch finally reached Beijing. Unfortunately, there’s so much smog, today the torch lit the sky on fire.”

Jay Leno: “The International Olympic Committee is saying that the yellow-gray haze over Beijing is not pollution, it is only mist. … Okay, it’s lead mist, but still.”

Jay Leno: “Have you seen China’s slogan for the Olympics? Here it is. “One world, one dream.’ But see the asterisk? Go in close. What does it say? ‘Restrictions apply, Tibet not included.’”

Jay Leno: “And because of this entire Brett Favre situation,” which has “turned out to be such a public relations disaster, the Green Bay Packers have hired President Bush’s former spokesman Ari Fleischer. … So you know what the Packers are going to do now? Invade Iraq.”

David Letterman: “Everybody in Beijing…has Olympic fever. … Or, as it’s also known, bronchial asthma.”

David Letterman: “Well, the big debates are coming up.” Barack Obama “wants to debate about foreign policy,” while “John McCain wants to debate about the big band era.”

David Letterman: “You know, I like John McCain. He looks like the guy that hangs out at the driving range,” always “giving you unwanted tips. … ‘You’re topping the ball. You’re top -- give me the club. You’re topping the damn ball!’”

Conan O’Brien: “Of course, Barack Obama” is “still continuing to dominate media coverage. ‘The New York Times’ just did a big piece” in which they “say that Barack Obama has been successful in politics because he’s a black man who doesn’t make white people feel threatened,” which “explains Obama’s Secret Service code name, ‘Al Roker.’”

Jimmy Kimmel: “I don’t know if you about this, but there is a formidable new combatant in the presidential race. Barely a week after John McCain used her image in an ad attacking Barack Obama, Paris Hilton is fighting back. Yesterday, she released her own political ad in which” she “talked about her own energy policy, which until this point I think had been…vodka and Red Bull.”


Tickle Your Funny Bone

Aug 13, 2008
Jay Leno: “Well, the campaign’s starting to get nasty. … Have you seen the new commercial? The McCain campaign compares Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. And today, the Obama campaign released an ad comparing John McCain to Zsa Zsa Gabor and Bea Arthur.”

 

Jay Leno: “Actually, McCain not backing down. He’s defending the commercial where he compared Barack Obama to Paris Hilton as being ‘all talk, and little action.’ That’s what he said. Like Paris, Barack Obama is ‘all talk and little action.’ Really? Has he seen her sex video?”

Jay Leno: “Well, Obama's people are trying to portray McCain as cranky, and McCain is trying to portray Obama as arrogant, you see. And when Obama was asked what he thought about being called arrogant, well he said he was ‘above having to answer that question.’”

Jay Leno: “And when McCain was asked about being labeled cranky, he told the reporter to ‘go to Hell!’”

Jay Leno: “And Barack Obama told Tom Brokaw the other day that what he’s looking for in a vice president is a person who would tell him when they thought he was wrong. Well, if that’s the case, wouldn’t Hillary be the best candidate?”

Jay Leno: “Yeah, Barack Obama also said someone who worked in the Clinton White House told him how important it was to have free time during the day to think. No offense, but I don’t think Bill Clinton was using his free time to think.”

Jay Leno: “There was one awkward moment on the news when they asked President Bush if he was going to visit the epicenter here in California. President Bush said, ‘Uh, no, silly. The Epicenter is in Disney World in Florida.’”

Jay Leno: “San Francisco could become the first city in the nation to ban the sale of tobacco products at pharmacies. Yeah. So a guy can’t buy cigarettes, but he can marry the Marlboro Man.”


Late Night Laughs

Aug 12, 2008
Jay Leno: “Thank you very much. All these young people” here to see the Jonas Brothers. This “is like the opposite of a John McCain rally.”

 

Jay Leno: “Congress went on a five-week vacation starting today. And boy, they deserve it, don’t they? They got so much done this year -- solved the energy crisis, healthcare, Social Security, immigration. Whew! Take a break, fellas.”

Jay Leno: “You ever notice that Congress doesn’t even call it a vacation?” They “call it” a recess. You “ever notice the only people that get recess are Congress,” kindergarteners, and juries, the “three groups you can’t trust to make an adult decision.”

Jay Leno: “Paris Hilton’s mother very upset because John McCain has put Paris in his campaign video. … Isn’t that amazing? Of all the videos Paris Hilton’s been in, this is the one Mom’s upset about?”

Jay Leno: “The McCain campaign has accused Barack Obama of being ‘elitist’ and using the ‘race card.’ Yeah, yeah. The Obama campaign accused McCain of being ‘old’ and using the ‘Discover Card.’”

Jay Leno: “And the ‘Boston Globe’ reports that political experts are telling Barack Obama that when he’s on vacation in Hawaii, he should stay away from loud Hawaiian shirts and Speedos. Well, isn’t that pretty much good advice for any middle aged guy?”

Jay Leno: “Have you seen these commercials where T. Boone Pickens…says he wants to rely more on natural gas and wind power for energy. And once again, President Bush, you know, I don’t think he really understands alternative fuels. Like today, he said, ‘How do you drill for wind?’”

David Letterman: “John McCain had a great weekend. He met with his ham radio club,” and “then he played horseshoes at the senior center.”

David Letterman: “They say John McCain is 71, but people are now saying he may be older. No one knows for sure because his birth certificate was destroyed when the wagon train was attacked.”

David Letterman: “Do you remember Hillary Clinton? … She was running for president, and her campaign was, like, $30 million in debt,” so “she’s trying to raise…enough money to pay off the debt. And here’s how you can help. If you contribute $5 to erase” her “campaign debt, you can have dinner with her.” For “$10, you get to tie the lobster bib on her pantsuit.”

Conan O’Brien: “Today, President Bush left on a seven-day trip to Asia,” where he will “visit South Korea, Thailand, and China. … Or, as Bush refers to them, ‘China, China, and China.’”

Conan O’Brien: “Barack Obama has agreed to debate John McCain three times this fall,” but “both candidates have conditions. Obama wants the debates to be held on college campuses,” while McCain “wants them to be held before 7:00 p.m.”


Chuckles With Letterman & Conan

Aug 11, 2008
David Letterman: “President Bush will be in China for the Olympics. … And also, while he’s there, he will be searching for lo mein of mass destruction.”

 

David Letterman: “But I think the US is going to do well, particularly in swimming,” where “Dick Cheney…looks great in the…freestyle waterboarding.”

Conan O’Brien: “John McCain’s daughter announced she is writing a children’s book based on her father’s life. That’s very nice. Yeah. The…children’s book is called ‘James and the Giant Prostate.’”

Conan O’Brien: “Yesterday, Bill Clinton was giving a speech. He told a group of supporters that his wife Hillary is the person he most wants to spend time with. Yeah, apparently, Clinton likes to start off every speech with a joke.”


Jokes From Jay

Aug 08, 2008
Jay Leno: “Welcome to ‘The Tonight Show.’ … What a crowd! You sound like Dick Cheney looking at Exxon’s profits.”

 

Jay Leno: “Exxon Mobil reported a second quarter profit of $12 billion,” but that was “actually below the Wall Street expectations for the company. So now, their stock shares have fallen as a result. Boy, what’s that morning meeting like on Monday, huh? You call in the district managers. ‘We only made $12 billion this quarter! My family has to eat!’”

Jay Leno: “Well, yesterday, President Bush announced there are going to be some big changes in intelligence in the White House. Yeah, he’s leaving.”

Jay Leno: “The John McCain campaign has accused Barack Obama of playing the race card. The Obama campaign has accused McCain of playing the pinochle card, so I don’t know what’s going to happen there.”

Jay Leno: “Barack Obama accused Republicans of trying to make others fear him because, and I quote, ‘He doesn’t look like the other presidents on the dollar bill.’ So the choice is, do you want to elect the guy who doesn’t look like the President on the dollar bill, or do you want to elect the guy who looks older than the President on the dollar bill?”

Jay Leno: “It’s been mentioned that Barack Obama may still pick a woman for vice president, but not Hillary Clinton. Yeah. Well, today, a top Hillary Clinton supporter named Lanny Davis said it was inconceivable…that Obama would pick another woman over Hillary, to which Bill said, ‘It’s not that inconceivable.’”

Jay Leno: “Yeah, that’s the big talk. They say Barack Obama could decide to go with another woman. See, that’s what killed John Edwards’ chances of being vice president. He decided to go with another woman.”

Jay Leno: “And Barack Obama told Tom Brokaw the other day on ‘Meet the Press’ that what he’s looking for in a vice president is a person who will tell him when they thought he was wrong, to which president Bush said, ‘Trust me. That gets old really fast.’”

Jay Leno: “The new song by rapper Ludacris is causing some controversy for Barack Obama,” because “it attacks Hillary and Bush and John McCain in a very distasteful way. … In fact, when John McCain heard that Obama had Ludacris on his iPod, he was stunned. He said, ‘What’s an iPod?’”

Jay Leno: “The McCain campaign has” been running a commercial where they compare “Barack Obama to various Hollywood celebrities.” Because if “there’s one thing…Republicans will not stand for, it’s electing some Hollywood celebrity to public office -- except for Ronald Reagan, Fred Thompson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood -- you know, except for those.”


Late-Night Laughs

Aug 06, 2008
Jay Leno: “Barack Obama was on ‘Meet the Press’ Sunday.” John McCain, meanwhile, “was on a new show called "I Wish I Could Meet the Press.’”

 

Jay Leno: “No, polls show that Barack Obama” is “more popular than John McCain in Germany, France, and Great Britain. However, John McCain leads in Mesopotamia, Gaul and the Holy Roman Empire,” so “it’s pretty balanced.”

Jay Leno: “Hey, have you heard about this group” called “Prayer at the Pump? They’re a prayer group that springs up, and they go to gas stations and they hold hands and they pray for lower gas prices. Otherwise known as the Bush energy plan.”

David Letterman: Top Ten Signs Barack Obama Is Overconfident. “10. Proposed bill to change Oklahoma to ‘Oklabama.’ 9. Offered Bush 20 bucks for the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner. 8. Asked guy at Staples, ‘Which chair will work best in an oval-shaped office?’ 7. The affair with Barbara Walters. 6. Having head measured for Mount Rushmore. 5. Guy sits around eating soup all day. 4. He’s voting for Nader. 3. Offered McCain a job in gift shop at Obama Presidential Library. 2. Announced his running mate will be Andy Dick. 1. Been cruising for chicks with John Edwards.”

David Letterman: “Now you think I’m exaggerating” about pollution in China, but they “had a practice today in Beijing for the Olympics” and a “javelin thrower…threw the javelin up into the air and it stuck.”

Conan O’Brien: “Barack Obama announced that next month he wants to spend a week on vacation in Hawaii. … Yeah, after hearing about it, President Bush said, ‘I can’t believe he’s taking another trip to a foreign country.’”

Conan O’Brien: “Hillary Clinton is trying to retire her campaign debt, so she’s giving everyone who donates money a chance to have dinner with her. … No word yet on what the winner gets.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “There’s a lot of what they call buzz going on in the blogosphere right now that Barack Obama will choose” Virginia Governor Tim Kaine “to be his running mate. Officially, Obama hasn’t said anything. All he’ll say is that he’s narrowed the pool of candidates down to be not Hillary.”


Laughs With Leno

Aug 01, 2008
 Jay Leno: “I guess you’ve heard” that Barack Obama was “elected chancellor of Germany.”

 

Jay Leno: “As you know, yesterday, Barack Obama was in the Fatherland,” while “John McCain was in Grandfather Land.”

Jay Leno: “No, Barack Obama is in France today. And again, McCain doing everything to compete with him. Like today, he ordered the french toast combo at IHOP.”

Jay Leno: “You can tell the French are still a little gun shy. After speaking in front of 200,000 Germans yesterday, when Obama arrived in France today, they said, ‘You came alone, right?’”

Jay Leno: “And Barack Obama landed in London just about an hour ago. … And to prepare for his visit to England, he didn’t brush his teeth for four days.”

Jay Leno: “Did you hear about the Dalai Lama?” He had a near-death experience today” when he “met with John McCain.”

Jay Leno: “If you believe there are two Americas, then John Edwards is in trouble in both of them.”

Jay Leno: “The mainstream media now starting to report a story that…John Edwards was caught leaving his girlfriend’s hotel room at the Beverly Hilton Hotel at 2:00 in the morning.” If “this story turns out to be true, there go” Edwards’ “chances of becoming vice president. He could still be governor of New York,” though.

Jay Leno: “Well, yesterday, Federal immigration officials arrested 43 illegal immigrants from Mexico in Hawaii! … How lost were they? Boy!”

Jay Leno: “And today, President Bush called for building a fence around Hawaii.” Jay Leno: “And in Puerto Rico, it is Constitution Day. … So that’s where the Constitution went.”

Jay Leno: “And the Coast Guard closed over 100 miles of the Mississippi River after an oil spill of over 400,000 gallons of oil. The Federal government leaped into action…within 30 minutes of the spill. … How does this make the people of New Orleans feel, huh? They get wiped out by Hurricane Katrina, it takes FEMA, what, six days to show up? A barrel of oil spills, the White House goes, ‘No!’ And they’re down there.”

Jay Leno: “Earlier this week, in London, an environmental protester tried to glue himself to Prime Minister Gordon Brown. … See, we don’t do that here. You want to get close to a politician here, you want him to stick, you need cash” and “lots of” it.

Jay Leno: “And the city of Los Angeles has voted to ban all plastic bags starting in 2010,” which “is kind of ironic. So, if you’re caught with marijuana, the pot is fine, but if it’s in a plastic bag,” you are in trouble.

Jay Leno: “And during his concert in New York City, George Michael advised Barack Obama to pick Hillary Clinton as his running mate. … Obama responded by saying he appreciated Michael’s advice, but he’s still waiting to hear from Boy George.”


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