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September 2008 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Presidential Politics

Sep 26, 2008
Jay Leno: “Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it’s Chapter 11.”

 

Jay Leno: “Man, things are not looking good. I opened the business section of the paper today. It said, ‘You Don’t Want To Know.’ That was the headline.”

Jay Leno: “Give you an idea how bad the American economy is -- Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border.”

Jay Leno: “President Bush had a press conference today outside the Oval Office to talk about the economy. He would have had it inside but, you know, the bank has foreclosed on it.”

Jay Leno: “No, President Bush announced…that he will be working with Congress to use hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to restore confidence in the market,” but that was his “second choice to fix the problem. First choice, invade Wall Street.”

Jay Leno: “Barack Obama continues to criticize John McCain’s economic plan. McCain would like to criticize Obama’s economic plan, but nobody knows what it is yet.”

Jay Leno: “President Bush has issued a new warning to Iran that it faces new economic sanctions after reports by the UN atomic watchdog committee that Iran is still enriching uranium. President Bush promising new economic sanctions. And believe me; if there’s one thing the President is an expert on, it is ruining a country’s economy.”

Jay Leno: “Sarah Palin’s husband has refused to testify in an abuse of power investigation in Alaska. He was given a subpoena,” but “he is ignoring it. So it looks like this guy’s going to have no trouble fitting into Washington.”

Conan O’Brien: “MoveOn.org has called on…John McCain to release all of his medical records. … In response, McCain told them, ‘Why don’t you just come down to the warehouse and look around for yourself? Bring a forklift. It will take time.’”

Jimmy Kimmel: “Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banking institutions. One expert said it may cost Americans…more than a trillion dollars.” To “put that into perspective,” ten “Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs still don’t add up to a trillion dollars


Leno, Letterman & Conan

Sep 24, 2008
Jay Leno: "You know, last night, they had the 60th Emmy Awards. What a star-studded affair that was. There were more celebrities there than" at a "Barack Obama fundraiser."

 

Jay Leno: "I guess the miniseries 'John Adams' set a new Emmy record last night" with "13 wins. So, a guy from the 1700s can still win today. That is good news for John McCain."

Jay Leno: "See, you know the way a bailout works? Here's the way a bailout works. A failed president and a failed Congress invest $700 billion of your money in failed businesses. Believe me, this can't fail."

Jay Leno: "The first presidential debate will take place this Friday night. They say John McCain's challenge will be to distance himself from President Bush," while "Obama's challenge will be to answer questions before his supporters can start clapping."

David Letterman: "By the way, as the campaign goes on, we're learning more and more about Senator John McCain," who "apparently...has 13 cars." But "he can't remember where he parked any of them."

Conan O'Brien: "President Bush has been speaking out about the Wall Street bailout. And today, a reporter asked him what he planned to do about AIG. ... Bush got upset and said, 'Why does everyone always spell in front of me?'"


Leno Late Night Laughs

Sep 17, 2008
Jay Leno: “Well, if you watched TV last night, you know Charlie Gibson did something John McCain has never done -- interviewed Sarah Palin.”

 

Jay Leno: “At one point, Charlie Gibson asked Palin about the Bush Doctrine, but she didn’t know what it was. But, you know, to be fair, even Bush doesn’t know what the Bush Doctrine is.”

Jay Leno: “Supporters of Palin say it’s okay she doesn't know what the Bush Doctrine is because the average American doesn’t know what it is. But shouldn’t the bar be a little higher for this job?”

Jay Leno: “I mean, hey, let’s be honest. We already had an average guy as president. It didn’t work out that great.”

Jay Leno: “Sarah Palin was also asked if we might have to go to war with Russia, and she said, ‘Perhaps so.’ … Isn’t that like a Magic 8 Ball kind of answer? ‘Will we have to go to war?’ ‘Reply hazy, try again later.’”

Jay Leno: “And…as you know, they’ve already come out with a Sarah Palin action figure. And today, the Democrats released a Joe Biden action figure. It talks and talks and talks.” You “just can’t get the thing to shut up.”

Jay Leno: “In fact, the other day while talking to a group of supporters, Joe Biden said that Hillary Clinton might have been a better pick for vice president than him. Well, that’s one thing to get the base fired up, huh? Tell them they picked the wrong person! Yeah! That’ll get them fired up!”

Jay Leno: “Charles Rangel, chairman of the Ways and Means Committee,” is “the guy that writes the tax codes.” Well, he “has been found to be in default on his taxes on income on a beach villa he owns in the Caribbean. Rangel blames it on his accountant, and he said he didn’t understand the law.” He “wrote it! … If he doesn’t understand it, how screwed are we?”


Late-Night Laughs

Sep 15, 2008
David Letterman: “Tonight and tomorrow night, Charles Gibson over there at ABC going to interview Sarah Palin. And I believe it’ll be her first big time interview. And Charles Gibson, the first question he asks her, he says, ‘Are you ready to be President?’ And Sarah Palin said, ‘Oh, fer sure!”

 

David Letterman: “But, no, seriously, the interview went very well, and during the interview, Sarah Palin actually gave birth to her sixth child.”

Conan O’Brien: “Sarah Palin’s been spending the last couple of days being briefed by advisers on what she needs to know to be John McCain’s vice president. That’s true. Yeah. Apparently, the first thing they taught her was CPR.”


Leno Laughs

Sep 12, 2008
Jay Leno: “Last night, John McCain said that under the Democratic healthcare plan, a bureaucrat would stand between you and your doctor, as opposed to the Republican healthcare plan, where an accountant would stand between you and your healthcare.”

 

Jay Leno: “Well, the ratings are in,” and it “seems 40 million people watched Sarah Palin’s speech, and 40 million people watched Barack Obama’s speech. … So, the message is pretty clear. Barack Obama needs to run with Sarah Palin.”

Jay Leno: “All the commentators agreed that no, matter who wins the election, history’s going to be made with either the first African-American president or the first female vice president, to which Hillary Clinton said, ‘Yeah, you could have had both!’”


Humor from Leno & Conan

Sep 09, 2008
Jay Leno: "What a week this has been. If you watched last night, I guess you know, Barack Obama got beat up by a girl."

 

Jay Leno: "And did you see McCain and Palin standing together? Didn't it look like a special episode of 'Regis and Kelly?'"

Jay Leno: "I guess there are some problems" with Palin, though. Have "you heard about this 'Troopergate' scandal?" Palin "allegedly...used her power as governor to pressure officials to fire her former brother-in-law from his state trooper job. Now, maybe I'm wrong, but wasn't that an episode of 'Dukes of Hazzard?'"

Jay Leno: "Sarah Palin also said that when she was governor," it "was not uncommon for her to bring her children to work with her." But it is "not going to work out bringing kids to the White House. McCain yelling out the window, 'Get off the lawn!'"

Conan O'Brien: "While she was addressing the crowd, Sarah Palin spent a lot of time criticizing Barack Obama's campaign speeches for not having enough specifics. ... Obama was reportedly angry about the claim, but didn't say exactly why."


Late-nite comedy

Sep 05, 2008

Jay Leno: “Well…Hurricane Gustav and Hurricane Hanna have been downgraded to tropical storms. That’s certainly good news. Well, this downgrading is quite common. The same thing happened last month to Hurricane Hillary. Remember?”

Jay Leno: “Well, they said that almost all the thousand or so oil rigs in the Gulf had to be abandoned before the storm. And then Dick Cheney said, ‘No, those are my children! No!’”

Jay Leno: “Well, you’ve got to admit, it was kind of amazing, Joe Lieberman who ran as a Democrat in 2000 with Al Gore,” spoke “last night at the Republican convention. … That’s like Bill Clinton speaking at a sexual abstinence rally.”

Jay Leno: “And John McCain arrived in Minnesota today. The last time McCain stopped in that state he was shooting buffalo from a train. So, it’s been a while.”

Jay Leno: “You know, I don’t want to say the Republicans are trying to distance themselves from President Bush,” but did “you notice when Bush was speaking by satellite, they kept trying to change the channel?”

Jay Leno: “And Governor Sarah Palin gave her speech tonight at the GOP convention. And it gave people who didn’t know anything about her a chance to finally meet her. You know, like John McCain.”

Jay Leno: “I’ve got to admit, she looked very comfortable at the podium, because it’s kind of like Alaska. When you look out over the convention floor, nothing but white as far as the eye can see.”

Jay Leno: “And we’re learning…more and more about John McCain’s running mate, Sarah Palin,” who is “a lifetime member of the National Rifle Association and a firm believer in shotgun weddings.”

Jay Leno: “Well, the good news, John McCain raised $47 million in the month of August. The bad news, he can’t remember where he put it.”

David Letterman: “You know, Sarah Palin,” the “vice presidential running mate on the Republican ticket,” likes “to shoot assault rifles. I’ll say this for her daughter’s boyfriend. The kid’s got guts.”

David Letterman: “And earlier tonight,” Sarah Palin “gave a tremendous speech to the Republicans, though some are claiming it was actually her daughter’s speech.”

Conan O’Brien: “Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has many views. She says she’s opposed to same-sex marriage. … Yeah, Palin says everyone knows marriage isn’t for gay people, it’s for pregnant teenagers.”

Conan O’Brien: “This week, John McCain was endorsed by the gay group known as the Log Cabin Republicans. … Yeah, they endorsed McCain, not because he supports gay rights, but because he was actually born in a log cabin.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “Obviously they’re keeping the less popular Republicans out of the spotlight” at the convention. President Bush “gave a speech last night which couldn’t have been more than five minutes long. Dick Cheney is in Azerbaijan, which I think is the farthest possible point from Minneapolis on the globe. And they actually locked Idaho Senator Larry Craig in the convention center men’s room. Either that or he locked himself in. I’m not sure.”


A Good Laugh

Sep 04, 2008

Jay Leno: “From what I understand, President Bush” is “very upset” that “John McCain has picked Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin to be his vice presidential running mate.” Bush “said, ‘Alaska? Why couldn’t he have picked someone from America?’”

Jay Leno: “No, Governor Palin announced, over the weekend, that her 17-year-old, unmarried daughter is five months pregnant. Oh, boy! You thought John Edwards was in trouble before.”

Jay Leno: “Well, there’s a lot of controversy about this. Apparently,” Governor Palin “told McCain about” the pregnancy “weeks ago, but…I guess she said it into his bad ear, so he didn’t realize.”

Jay Leno: “Well…in 1984, Sarah Palin came in second in the Miss Alaska Beauty Pageant. Now she could be vice president of the United States.” So for “the first time in history, a beauty pageant contestant might actually bring about world peace.”

Jay Leno: “Actually, there was…talk about canceling the Republican convention because of Hurricane Gustav.” In fact, John McCain helped “out during the hurricane. To give you an idea what a compassionate guy McCain is, he moved over 200,000 evacuees into some of his empty houses. I thought that was great.”

Jay Leno: “Well, it’s now being reported that in exchange for Hillary’s support, if he is elected, Barack Obama will make Hillary Clinton a Supreme Court judge. Has he thought this through? You know the Clintons. If she gets on the Supreme Court, she could demand a recount and declare herself a winner. It’s happened before!”

Jay Leno: “Well, John Edwards, who is scheduled in October to speak at the University of Illinois, has raised his speaking fee from $55,000 to $65,000! Well then again, he has another mouth to feed,” and “another mouth he has to keep quiet.”

David Letterman: “And, of course, the big news” is that “John McCain has selected Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his vice presidential candidate. Apparently, he was turned down by his first choice, [actress] Bonnie Hunt.”

David Letterman: “And you’ve got to love this. Sarah Palin is an avid hunter. … A vice president who likes guns. Well, what could go wrong there?”

Craig Ferguson: “The Republican convention is underway,” but “I’m watching the TV news and there is more coverage on Hurricane Gustav. … Now, a hurricane and the Republican convention are very different, of course. One’s a stormy blast of wind that throws mud everywhere. The other’s a hurricane.”

Craig Ferguson: “John McCain picked Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. She’s a popular governor, a great public speaker, and she’s raising five kids. So she can definitely change a diaper, which is a skill she’s going need if she is running with John McCain.”

Conan O’Brien: “The Republican convention” has a theme for “each night.” And “the theme” for tonight “is ‘Who is John McCain?’ … Tomorrow night’s theme is, ‘Who forgot to check if the Vice President’s daughter is pregnant?’”


Late-nite comedy

Sep 03, 2008
Craig Ferguson: “I was looking up Labor Day on the Google, right. The first Labor Day parade was held back in 1882.” And who was “the grand marshal of that parade? A young senator named John McCain.”

A Good Laugh

Sep 02, 2008

Jay Leno: “Quite a historic day. Barack Obama accepted the Democratic nomination for President of the United States. Barack gave his speech on the historic anniversary of Martin Luther King’s ‘I Have a Dream’ speech. And just two days after Hillary Clinton gave her ‘I Had a Dream’ speech.”

Jay Leno: “Did you see that Mount Olympus-style backdrop they had for Barack’s speech, with the big columns on it? Little over the top, do you think, huh? Like, when they introduced him as ‘Barack, son of Zeus,’ that seemed over the top.”

Jay Leno: “And last night during his speech, Bill Clinton promised to do everything he could to help Barack Obama win the election. And then Hillary said, ‘That’s nice. But you know Bill. Keeping promises is not his strong suit.’”

Jay Leno: “At one point this week, police in Denver had a showdown with over 300 protestors, ended up pepper spraying them. And since, of course, it was Denver and they were Democrats, it was only fresh ground pepper spray.”

Jay Leno: “John Edwards was not at the convention, actually. But, like his marriage, he was there in spirit.”

Jay Leno: “Well, there was a rumor that McCain might pick former eBay CEO Meg Whitman as his running mate. That makes sense. You know, she’s an expert at selling Americans really old stuff.”

Jay Leno: “And archaeologists are now saying that based on the latest findings, Neanderthals…are a lot smarter than they previously gave them credit for. Today, President Bush asked these same researchers to analyze his Presidency.”

David Letterman: Top Ten Surprises In Barack Obama’s Democratic National Convention Address.

“10. Delivered speech in a bright orange pantsuit.
9. Wants to change October to ‘Barack-tober.’
8. Most of speech was devoted to his Labor Day barbecue cole slaw recipe.
7. Outlined plan for America, then took calls about the Broncos defense.
6. Kept saying to John Kerry, ‘Hey, why the long face?’ – it’s funny every time!
5. Twelve-and-a-half minutes of, ‘Testing-one-two.’
4. Performed hilarious ventriloquist act with Dennis Kucinich on his lap.
3. Promised to make Pluto a state.
2. Plans to bring peace to Lo and Audrina on ‘The Hills.’
1. Also pronounces ‘nuclear,’ ‘nucular.’”

David Letterman: “Last night, Barack Obama was officially nominated Democratic candidate for President of the United States. … And I want to tell you something. I really think things are starting to look bad for Hillary.”

David Letterman: “Oh! This is exciting. John McCain now has finally decided on his vice president. Yeah. The only question now is from which house will he make the announcement?”

David Letterman: “And then tonight,” Barack Obama “speaks to the convention, and they moved it to the stadium there in Denver. They’re getting, like, 75,000 people. And I’m telling you, the construction crew has been working around the clock, painting the stadium, scrubbing the stadium, plastering. It’s the same team that works on Nancy Pelosi.”

Conan O’Brien: “Barack Obama says he’s planning to get his daughters a dog if he’s elected president.” Most “voters asked think he should get a poodle,” proving “that Americans are not only ready for a black president, they’re also ready for a gay first dog.”

Conan O’Brien: “Tomorrow -- this is a little fun fact for you -- both John McCain and Michael Jackson will celebrate their birthday. … Yeah, so it will be the birthday of an old white guy and John McCain.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “Al Gore…spoke tonight” at the Democratic National Convention. It “was good to see Al Gore. With all the talk about global warming and all he does for the environment, I had forgotten how boring he is.”


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