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April 2009 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Laughs from Jimmy & Dave

Apr 28, 2009
David Letterman: "Here's a name out of the past." He used "to be governor of the state of New York." Eliot Spitzer, "does that ring a bell? ... Listen to this, according to a new poll, two out of three New Yorkers would like to have...Spitzer back as their governor. I mean sure, two out of three New Yorkers are hookers."

 

David Letterman: "Do you know who is in town?" One of the Somali pirates is "on trial here in the United States." But he is not just in court. No, this pirate is "everywhere." For example, this weekend, "he's hosting 'Saturday Night Live.' Monday, he's attending the Tribeca Film Festival. Tuesday, he's going to launch his new fragrance. Wednesday, he's having lunch with Ruth Madoff. And Thursday he's going to hijack the Staten Island Ferry, so he's got a big, full schedule."


Leno & Letterman

Apr 24, 2009
Jay Leno: "There's been a lot of talk lately about lifting the trade embargo in Cuba. President Obama says he understands that a relationship that has been frozen for this long won't thaw out overnight, to which Hillary said, 'Tell me about it!'"

 

Jay Leno: "President Obama met with his entire Cabinet today. Well, sure, now that April 15th has passed, they've all come out of hiding."

David Letterman: Top Ten Things Overheard In The Meeting Between Barack Obama And Hugo Chavez: "10. 'Dónde está 'el Presidente dumb-a#@?' 9. 'Sorry, Mr. President, they don't sell Marlboros here.' 8. 'Let's get a picture of you shaking hands with Hugo Chavez to really piss off Rush Limbaugh.' 7. 'Mr. Chavez, I have a book for you too – Artie Lange's 'Too Fat To Fish." 6. 'Does this breakup mean Lindsay Lohan is back to dating guys?' 5. 'Remember, you can't spell Hugo without "hug."' 4. 'I can't believe they killed Edie on "Desperate Housewives."' 3. 'Does Biden really think he's fooling anybody with those plugs?' 2. 'I think there's one thing we can both agree on – there's a new star in the Hollywood galaxy by the name of Zac Efron.' 1. 'Is it too late for me to buy your Senate seat?'"


Leno Laughs

Apr 21, 2009
Jay Leno: "And Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says the United States is now ready to talk to Cuba. You know what that means? Apparently, we are already interviewing replacements for Texas."

 

Jay Leno: "Sometimes we Americans, you know." Well, "climate experts say we should tell villagers in developing countries to reduce the amount of cooking smoke they generate to help fix global warming." As "if these people don't hate us enough already. I mean, they live in mud huts, they have thatch roofs," and "their clothes are made of straw. We pull up in a bunch of Humvees and SUVs going, 'Hey, you want to cut the smoke out of here?'"


Taxing Laughs

Apr 20, 2009
Jay Leno: "According to MSNBC, there's a big problem with identity theft affecting electronic tax filing. People are stealing other people's identities, filing taxes in their name, and then getting their refund check. Today, half the Obama Administration said, 'That's what happened to us!'"

 

Craig Ferguson: "President Obama said today" he "wants to make the tax code so simple that even Joe Biden can understand it."

Craig Ferguson: "I've got no problem paying taxes. That's why I wasn't qualified to be in Obama's Cabinet."

Jimmy Fallon: "Well, hey, it's tax day today. ... It's Wednesday, April 15th. But if you don't get" your taxes "done in time, don't worry about it. The good news is you may be on your way to an Obama Cabinet position."


Leno, Letterman & Fallon

Apr 15, 2009
Jay Leno: "Well, you've been watching the big score over the weekend, huh? Navy 3, pirates 0. Yeah!"

 

Jay Leno: "Anyway, they asked Captain Phillips what he's going to do now. And he said he's going to Disneyland to wipe out the Pirates of the Caribbean. So I think he's a little wound up."

David Letterman: "How about that story," with the pirates "off the coast of Somalia? Man, I mean, President Obama, this guy is getting it done, you know. He rounded up the Somali pirates" and the "Madoffs all in the same year. Looking pretty good."

Jimmy Fallon: "Well, the wait...is over. The Obamas have chosen a new White House dog." It is "a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Very cute dog. Their first choice" was "a wheaten terrier, but it was arrested for tax evasion."


Jokes From Jay

Apr 14, 2009
Jay Leno: “And there was a big rally on Wall Street yesterday after Citigroup reported a profit for the first two months of the year. That just goes to show you what determination, hard work, and 45 billion of our bailout dollars can do.”

 

Jay Leno: “Here’s a sign of the times are a-changin’. The governor of Virginia has signed a new law banning smoking in bars and restaurants. In Virginia. See, that’s significant because Virginia is, like, the tobacco state. That would be like the governor of California banning breast implants.”

Jay Leno: “And three different customers at a grocery store in Queens, New York, all bought peppers that turned out to have bags of cocaine stuffed inside” them. Well, “you thought spicy food kept you up all night.”


Late Night Jokes

Apr 03, 2009
Jay Leno: "President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax code. He's concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that's just in his administration."

 

Jay Leno: "President Obama said this week that things will get worse before they get better. That's something you never hear before the election, you know? 'Let me tell you, if I get elected it's going to get a lot worse!'"

Jimmy Fallon: "Looking back at his presidential run this week, John McCain said that he got a lot of votes because of Sarah Palin. And weirdly enough, that's the same thing President Obama said."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama said yesterday that he believes that Osama bin Laden is plotting new attacks against the United States. Obama came up with this theory when he picked up any newspaper from the last eight years."


Jokes From Jay and Jimmy

Apr 01, 2009
Jay Leno: "President Obama is everywhere, isn't he? I mean, last week, he was on our show. Sunday night, he was on '60 Minutes.' Tuesday night, he held a primetime press conference. And last night, he was on 'Lost,' trying to sell his economic plan to the people on the island."

 

Jay Leno: "There was one embarrassing moment. Someone online said to the President, 'I'd like to meet with you sometime and tell you some of my ideas.' It was Joe Biden."

Jimmy Fallon: "Former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson is writing a book about his role in the Bush Administration during the economic crisis. It's weird. The book starts on chapter 11." yes I should


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