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April 2011 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Born in the U.S.A.

Apr 29, 2011

Jay Leno: "The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump."

Jimmy Kimmel: "I’m surprised Donald Trump isn’t investigating whether Hawaii is an official state. A lot of vowels over there and not enough consonants."

Jay Leno: "The United States is sending its most powerful drone to Libya. That's a long trip for Joe Biden."

Jay Leno: "The man who invented the teleprompter has died at the age of 91. When President Obama heard the news, he was speechless."


Easter eggs and birth certificates

Apr 28, 2011

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. It was a little awkward, though. Donald Trump showed up and demanded to see each egg's birth certificate."

Jay Leno: "Every time a kid found an egg, Michelle Obama would make them trade it in for a low-cholesterol Egg Beater."

Conan O'Brien: "Prominent people are coming forward to attest to President Obama's American citizenship. The governor of Hawaii said he first met Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for change."

Jay Leno: "There's now a nationwide shortage of Attention Deficit Disorder drugs. The FDA says it doesn't know how it happened. I guess somebody wasn't paying attention."


Easy Targets: Tax Day and Trump

Apr 20, 2011

Craig Ferguson: "Forty percent of Americans say they would rather cut their own hair than do their taxes. And then there are people that would rather do neither. I'm talking to you, Willie Nelson."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands."

Conan O'Brien: "NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew 'The Apprentice.' So some good may come out of this."

Bill Maher: "Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week: 'Are you better off now than you were four wives ago?''"

Jay Leno: "Another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job, but he had a good excuse. He was watching President Obama's deficit speech."

Dave Looks at Trump's Chances

Apr 15, 2011

Jay Leno: "Joe Biden apparently fell asleep during President Obama's speech on reducing the national debt Wednesday. He has now been named an honorary air traffic controller."

David Letterman: "Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.'"

David Letterman: "The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. That seems a little high."

Jay Leno: "Gas has gone up 20 cents in just one week. Shouldn't we stop calling it crude oil at this point and call it obscene oil?"

 

Dave Reveals What Makes Republicans and Democrats Work Together

Apr 14, 2011

David Letterman: "After intense last-minute negotiations, a deal was reached that will avoid a government shutdown. The Democrats and Republicans worked together with one common goal...to screw each other."

Jay Leno: "The good news is, the government is up and running, the same as before. The bad news is, the government is up and running, the same as before."

Jay Leno: "A new poll shows that only 19 percent of Americans strongly approve of President Obama's performance. The other 81 percent don't own gas stations."

Conan O'Brien: "Toyota says they're going to start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It's perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every 10 minutes."

Jay Explains What a Shutdown Would Mean

Apr 08, 2011

Jay Leno: "It looks like we're heading for a government shutdown. And you thought Joe Biden had nothing to do before."

Jay Leno: "The most embarrassing part is that by the weekend, our government could be shut down, but Moammar Gadhafi's government could still be working."

Conan O'Brien: "Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water."

Craig Ferguson: "Scientists are saying that the ozone layer over the Arctic has shrunk a record 40%. Now, to give an idea how much that is, it’s the biggest hole in the sky not on a Southwest plane."

Government May Shut Down, But Trump Jokes Will Keep Coming

Apr 07, 2011

Jay Leno: "If the government shutdown occurs, there may be a freeze to all new wars in the Middle East."

Jay Leno: "We're down to the final four now: only four Middle East countries we haven't attacked."

Conan O'Brien: "Donald Trump said Obama's birth certificate could indicate that he's a Muslim. Trump said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign-sounding name, and neither does his daughter Ivanka."

David Letterman: "I've made a lot of jokes about Donald Trump running for President, but in all honesty, I'll be making a lot more."

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