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January 2012 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Tax Returns and Media Attacks

Jan 26, 2012

Stephen Colbert: "Newt Gingrich crushed Mitt Romney in South Carolina. Gingrich sealed his victory in last week’s debates by going after America’s most dangerous enemy: debate moderators."

Jay Leno: "Newt lashed out and said the attacks from the media make it harder to attract decent people to run for office, and he's right. That's why we have people like Newt Gingrich running for office."

Conan O'Brien: "Mitt Romney released his 2010 and 2011 tax returns. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich is going to release his 1988, 1994, and 2005 wedding vows."

Jay Leno: "Scientists announced that they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is so tiny, it's actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney."

 

Jimmy and Jay Look at the Obama Strategy

Jan 24, 2012

Jimmy Fallon: "Texas Governor Rick Perry officially dropped out of the race for president. He just couldn’t get over that one campaign hurdle — you know, talking."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama aired his first campaign ad of 2012, which promotes his record on clean energy. Obama’s a big environmentalist. In fact, for the election he plans to recycle the same promises he made four years ago."

Jay Leno: "A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama's economic adviser."

Jay Leno: "President Obama was in Disney World, where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs. You know why he chose Disney World? It was the only place with longer lines than the unemployment office, so it looks better."

Jay Has a Tip for Romney

Jan 23, 2012

Jay Leno: "Mitt Romney is coming under fire because even though he is a multimillionaire, he only paid 15 percent in taxes. That's not a tax, that's barely a tip."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama took Michelle out to a steak restaurant for her birthday, marking the first time in months the words 'Obama' and 'well done' appeared in the same sentence."

Craig Ferguson: "The Stop Online Piracy Act was cooked up by big studios who want larger fines for websites connected to piracy. People wonder why Hollywood makes such crappy movies and TV shows. It's because they spend all their time preventing people from stealing the crap they've already made."

Jay Leno: "An intelligence officer with the Canadian armed forces has been arrested for passing Canadian military secrets to a terrorist group. I don't know what's more shocking, the fact that he did that or that Canada has military secrets."

 

Everything from Celebrities to Frogs

Jan 17, 2012

Jimmy Fallon: "The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, 'Things you were probably doing already.'"

Conan O'Brien: "Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt visited the White House. There was an awkward moment when they tried to adopt President Obama."

Jimmy Fallon: "Experts say Mitt Romney needs Latino support in elections. Romney said, 'I'll never pander to any group or mi nombre no es Mitt Romney.'"

Jay Leno: "Researchers found a frog in New Guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress."

Jay & Co. 'Congratulate' Romney

Jan 13, 2012

Jay Leno: "Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary Tuesday night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States."

Craig Ferguson: "Romney's win in New Hampshire means that he received seven delegates and a wagon full of maple syrup."

David Letterman: "I'm having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything's all right."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Ron Paul finished second. Paul says if he can sustain those kinds of numbers...and if his message continues to resonate...and if Mitt Romney gets hit with a dump truck, he could still win this thing."


Another Primary: Who's Up, Who's Down?

Jan 12, 2012

Jimmy Kimmel: "The New Hampshire primary is a tough one for the candidates who don't do well because this is the night when many of them realize, 'I served all those people pancakes for nothing.'"

Conan O'Brien: "Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement."

Jay Leno: "You know the difference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry and Tim Tebow? When God tells Tim Tebow to run, he wins."

Conan O'Brien: "During the GOP debate on Saturday night, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich ate Chinese."

 

Enough Baloney for Everybody

Jan 11, 2012

Jimmy Fallon: "The national debt has reached $15 trillion—the size of the entire U.S. economy. I don't want to say President Obama is out of solutions for the debt, but today he tried handing it off to Tim Tebow."

Jimmy Fallon: "During Sunday's debate, Mitt Romney said he wasn't a career politician, and Newt Gingrich told him to drop the 'pious baloney.' Of course, when Romney dropped it, Newt was like, 'Hey, you gonna eat that pious baloney?'"

Craig Ferguson: "I watched the Republican debate. At one point, someone said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there."

Jay Leno: "A group calling itself the Courage Campaign is trying to win support for a millionaire tax by running an ad showing Kim Kardashian. They want the Kardashians to pay more. This is part of the plan to raise taxes on the dumbest 1 percent."

Jimmy and Jay on the Republican Endgame

Jan 10, 2012

Jimmy Kimmel: "The remaining Republican candidates were in New Hampshire this weekend, where they had two debates in the span of 12 hours. And this is just the regular season. Wait until the playoffs."

Jay Leno: "Even though Rick Perry came in fifth in Iowa, he is not quitting. He said it's on to South Carolina. And then he said, 'Which way is that?'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "Herman Cain is back. He's planning to tour the country in a bus, which sounds like his wife has kicked him out of the house."

Jay Leno: "A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver."

The Iowa Caucus -- How Close Was It?

Jan 06, 2012

Conan O' Brien: "Mitt Romney won the Iowa caucuses by defeating Rick Santorum by only eight votes. That's a record. To give you an idea of how close that is, if all of Newt Gingrich's ex-wives voted for Santorum, he would have won by 15."

Jay Leno: "Rick Santorum's campaign is celebrating the Iowa caucuses with a pizza party. Here's the embarrassing part: It was delivered by Herman Cain."

David Letterman: "There's already controversy with the Iowa caucuses. About a half hour ago, they found eight more votes for Al Gore."

Craig Ferguson: "Last night, Rick Perry said he was quitting the race. But then this morning, he said he's staying in. Hmm. Going back on his word? Maybe he'd make a good president after all."

Back from the Holiday, Same Old Problems

Jan 05, 2012

Craig Ferguson: "I hope you all had a good holiday. I was in Scotland. I enjoy going back to the country where I was born. That must be what it feels like when Barack Obama visits Kenya."

Jay Leno: "2012 is supposed to be the year the world ends. Have you seen the national debt? If the world doesn't end, we are so screwed."

David Letterman: "Forty percent of the people of Iowa said they were undecided about who to select as a Republican candidate for president. Thank goodness we have three dozen debates."

Jimmy Fallon: "The U.S. government is selling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, it’s part of a new initiative called, 'Operation Regret This In Five Years.'"

 


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