Conan O'Brien: "Obama called Romney a pioneer of outsourcing jobs. A spokesperson for Romney said, 'I dare him to come to India and say that to my face.'"

Craig Ferguson: "Scientists say that over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost 5 feet. President Obama could be affected too. Because if there's no more Hawaii, where would he pretend to be born?"

Jay Leno: "It was so hot, Attorney General Eric Holder was selling water guns to Mexican drug gangs."

Jimmy Fallon: "This week a woman in Florida got into trouble for groping a TSA agent while she was getting a pat-down. Or as the TSA put it, 'The student has become the master.'"

Jay Leno: "It was 100 degrees in New York City. It was so hot that Solyndra -- you know, the solar company? They actually made money."

Conan O'Brien: "The Supreme Court has decided not to fine broadcast networks for fleeting expletives or momentary nudity. It looks like 'Wheel of Fortune' is about to get a lot more interesting!"

Jimmy Fallon: "There was a big Twitter outage in the U.S. on Thursday. Or as people at work put it, 'Well, I guess I better get back to Facebook.'"

Jay Leno: "A House committee is recommending that Attorney General Eric Holder be cited for contempt of Congress. Now, don't confuse that with what you and I have. That's contempt for Congress."

Jimmy Fallon: "Today President Obama used his executive privilege to withhold documents about a weapons operation called 'Fast and Furious.' I don't know what's scarier: that we can't see those documents or that the government is naming operations after Vin Diesel movies."

Jay Leno: "John Kerry is going to play Mitt Romney to help the President prepare for the debates. How does that make Kerry feel? 'Hey, John, we need a guy who is kind of stiff, out of touch, and a flip-flopper. Just be yourself.'"

Conan O'Brien: "The Obama campaign unveiled a new ad to target Hispanics. It's basically the President saying, "Yo soy el hombre who killed Osama bin Laden."

Jay Leno: "In Chicago, some protesters told reporters they're being paid by Democrats to chant anti-Romney slogans. Who says President Obama isn't creating any new jobs?"

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama just played his 100th round of golf since taking office. You could tell it was Obama, because he finished about 14 trillion over par."

David Letterman: "They say Obama played golf 100 times in his first administration, a four-year period. Donald Trump – always looking to make trouble – demanded to see Obama's scorecard."

Conan O'Brien: "Over the weekend, President Obama issued an order that allows some illegal immigrants to stay in the country. Or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama issues order allowing himself to stay in the country.'"

Jay Leno: "Obama is going to let certain illegal immigrants stay in this country. But there is an age requirement. You have to be old enough to vote by November."

Jay Leno: "There's a rumor going around that President Obama may legalize marijuana as an 'October surprise' to win the election. And if he doesn't win, at least he'll have a way to mellow out later."

Jimmy Fallon: "Today President Obama gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. And there were tons of people in the audience, you know, since nobody had to be at work."

Bill Maher: "Mitt Romney is on a bus tour through the Midwest. Do you know the difference between a Mitt Romney bus and a Mitt Romney car? The bus has a greyhound on the side."

Jimmy Fallon: "Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who turned 66 years old today. He didn't want a big party, so he just invited a few close friends to comb over — I mean, come over."

Craig Ferguson: "Tonight was the premiere of a new version of the TV show 'Dallas.' The original "Dallas" series started in 1978. Back then, America was very different. We had an ineffective, one-term president. Gas prices were through the roof. We were in a stand-off with Iran. I'm glad those dark days are over."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama says he hopes the NBA Finals go to a Game 7. Of course, Obama should probably be focused on other matters, like hoping his presidency goes to a Term 2."

Jay Leno: "China is now preparing to send its first woman into outer space. Which at first seems like a feminist breakthrough until you realize she doesn't want to go."

Conan O'Brien: "Betty White visited President Obama at the White House. The first time Betty was at the White House, she stayed in the Lincoln Bedroom –- with Lincoln."

Jimmy Fallon: "Last weekend President Obama's daughter, Sasha, turned 11 years old. Sasha didn’t ask Obama for a present — she’s still waiting for him to deliver the gifts he promised three birthdays ago."

Jay Leno: "Remember when Obama was campaigning? Didn't he say he was going to close Guantanamo Bay? Apparently, he just meant for renovations."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama's campaign is spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial hitting Mitt Romney's business record. Though Obama’s made some bad business moves too — like spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial."

Jay Leno: "There was another drone attack ordered by the White House last night: They sent Joe Biden out to give a speech."

Jay Leno: "Scott Walker won his recall election. Who would have guessed the governor of Wisconsin would be a better closer than LeBron James?"

Jimmy Fallon: "It’s being reported that Mitt Romney's personal Hotmail account has been hacked. Yeah, Hotmail. Even Ron Paul was like, 'Get with it, you old geezer!'"

Conan O'Brien: "Facebook may change its policy and allow kids under 13 to join. When they heard this, Chinese officials said, 'Great. Now our workers will never get anything done.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama spent the night at his home in Chicago for the first time in over a year. It got awkward when he left and his housekeeper said, 'So, see you after the election?'"

Jay Leno: "Forget the Mayans. According to NASA, the world will not come to an end for another 4 billion years — or about the same time your 401k comes back."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Presidential primaries were held in California, Montana, New Jersey, New Mexico and South Dakota this week. Obama and Romney have already clinched their nominations. So Tuesday's primaries were mostly for people who really like stickers."

Jay Leno: "Rielle Hunter, the mother of John Edwards' love child, is releasing a new tell-all book this month. Haven't we heard enough? How about a shut-up book?"

Jay Leno: "Unemployment is still looking pretty bad. In fact, the White House has a new slogan on job creation: 'Hope and change the subject.'"