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September 2012 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

The Gaffes Keep Coming...

Sep 26, 2012

Jay Leno: "In an interview, President Obama said if there's one thing he's learned, it's that you can't change Washington from within. So what is he saying — that if we want real change, we should throw him out?"

Seth Meyers: "Obama joked that Bill Clinton, who has been campaigning for him, should be appointed to the role of Secretary of Explaining Stuff. Hey, you know what's another good name for that position? President."

Jay Leno: "Political pundits are taking Mitt Romney to task, saying his latest gaffe was not 'presidential.' Vice presidential, sure. That's Joe Biden territory."

Stephen Colbert (on complaints that Romney is too vague about his plans): "What are they talking about? Romney has given some very specific figures. For instance, he is willing to piss off exactly 47% of the voters."

 

More Campaign Double-Talk

Sep 20, 2012

Conan O'Brien: "After being accused of being too vague, Mitt Romney's campaign team says they will start being more specific. When asked when, they said, 'Soon-ish.'"

Jay Leno: "Unemployment fell from 8.3% to 8.1% last month, but that's because 368,000 Americans gave up looking for work. President Obama said that's a step in the right direction, and he is encouraging more Americans to give up looking for work."

Jay Leno: "I see these protesters in countries like Egypt, Afghanistan, Tunisia. They're all burning American flags. Where are they getting all these flags? If you hate us so much, how do you have a large supply of flags on hand?"

Jimmy Kimmel: "Monday was the one-year anniversary of the Occupy Wall Street protests. Remember those? They stomped out greed forever."

 

The Post-Convention Unemployment Blues

Sep 12, 2012

Jay Leno: "It seems only 96,000 jobs were added last month. And half of those were strippers working the conventions."

Jay Leno: "In his convention speech, President Obama invoked FDR. Then he saw the unemployment numbers and invoked WTF."

Conan O'Brien: "Scarlett Johansson, Kerry Washington, and Eva Longoria all spoke at the Democratic convention. This means that Obama has all about clinched the crucial 13-year-old boy vote."

Craig Ferguson: "There was a big shakeup on 'American Idol.' There is still a vacant judge's seat. The producers are in a great hurry to fill the empty seat before Clint Eastwood shows up and starts yelling at it."

This Week, It's the Democrats' Turn

Sep 06, 2012

Jay Leno: "The Democratic Convention began Tuesday night. What a difference four years makes. Last time, the theme was 'Hope and change.' This year, the theme is 'Hope you don’t make a change.'"

Craig Ferguson: "Former Democratic nominee John Kerry is going to give a speech about foreign policy. It will be like Clint Eastwood's speech, except this time the empty chairs will be in the audience."

Jimmy Fallon: "The Democrats are going all out to make sure their convention tops last week’s Republican convention. In fact, I heard at this one they’re going to have Clint Eastwood yell at a couch."

David Letterman: "President Obama is spending his free time in the White House making beer, and apparently the beer is so good that the White House is now releasing the recipe. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney will be releasing his own recipe for root beer. I wish somebody would release the recipe for fixing the economy."

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