Jul 28, 2014
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June 2013 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Guten Tag, Obama!

Jun 28, 2013

"President Obama was in Germany today and made a historic speech. The reason Obama is in Germany is to promote democracy and to rescue Justin Bieber's monkey." –David Letterman

"Germany is mad at the United States for the NSA eavesdropping. This, ladies and gentlemen, from the country that gave us the Gestapo." –David Letterman

"President Obama is in Berlin, Germany. It was 97 degrees in Berlin today. I haven't seen Obama sweat like that since, well, yesterday. And the day before that. All this week, in fact." –Craig Ferguson

"Bad day on Wall Street – the stock market dropped over 350 points today. See, I knew Obama shouldn't have come back home. I knew this was going to happen." –Jay Leno

More Foreign Affairs

Jun 27, 2013

"Superman is played by Henry Cavil, who is British. I'm not sure why all our iconic American figures are being played by foreigners. We've got a Superman from Britain, a Batman from Britain, a Spider-Man from Britain, and a president from Kenya." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama is traveling to Africa later this month, and it's got some people upset because the trip is expected to cost taxpayers more than 60 million dollars. It's mostly for security, hotel accommodations – plus Biden wants a giraffe." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is trying to get Vladimir Putin to scale back Russia's nuclear arsenal. But it's not a good time. Putin just got a divorce. He just lost half his stuff. And his wife gets to use the Kremlin on weekends." –Craig Ferguson

"Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the guy who made 'Death to America' a popular slogan. Now his successor, a moderate guy named Rohani, doesn't believe in death to America. He believes in lingering illness to America." –David Letterman

Spy Scandal Not Going Away Anytime Soon

Jun 26, 2013

"This spying scandal at the White House isn't going away. In fact, it was just announced that President Obama will meet a group of regular Americans to hear their concerns about the White House surveillance program. Or more accurately, to RE-HEAR them." –Jimmy Fallon

"This week a man was arrested for jumping over the White House fence and trying to spray paint a political message. If that guy really wanted to get a message to the president, he could have just written it in an email to literally anyone." –Jimmy Fallon

"Edward Snowden is the guy who leaked all of the NSA secrets. He had a 98-minute press conference today and yet they can't find the guy. This is the biggest manhunt since Martha Stewart started online dating." –David Letterman

"Yesterday President Obama spoke at the LGBT pride month celebration at the White House. He promised that as long as he is president, all Americans, regardless of their sexual orientation, will be spied on equally." –Jay Leno

 

Leno's Full of Zingers

Jun 25, 2013

"Yesterday the FBI admitted they do use drones on U.S. soil for domestic surveillance. The FBI's Robert Mueller told Congress that he does sometimes use drones, but he said the good news is that these drones are made in America, by Americans, to spy on Americans." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's approval rating has dropped eight points over the past month, down to 45 percent, his lowest rating in more than a year and a half. But Obama is vowing to find out whose approval he's lost, track them down using their email and phone records, and personally win them back." –Jay Leno

"The latest search for Jimmy Hoffa has been called off. The FBI now says they called off the search because the NSA said it would be too difficult to find Jimmy Hoffa because he hasn't made a phone call since 1975." –Jay Leno

"Iran has elected a new president named Hassan Rohani. Rohani has promised to improve Iran's economy and fix the unemployment problem. If that doesn't work, he's going to blame the whole thing on President Bush." –Jay Leno

Hillary's on Twitter

Jun 21, 2013

"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is on Twitter. A politician on Twitter — what could possibly go wrong?" –David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton finally joined Twitter yesterday and racked up more than 200,000 followers in only five hours. Yeah, they were like, 'Hillary in 2016!' and 'Washington needs Hillary!' and 'Hillary for the White House!' That's not her followers. Those were her tweets." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton sent her first tweet yesterday. Or as one guy put it, 'How do you block people on this thing?'" –Jimmy Fallon
 

 

More on the NSA Spy Scandal

Jun 20, 2013

"According to a poll, the majority of Americans are OK with the Obama administration listening in on our phone calls. Guys approve because they feel it increases security. And women approve of Obama's policy because finally a man is listening to them." –Conan O'Brien

"I don't know if you saw it last night but let me just apologize. We had a bad show last night. I will tell you how bad the show was last night. Halfway through, the White House stopped listening in." –David Letterman

 

"Due to the government spy scandal, sales of the classic George Orwell book '1984' have skyrocketed. So the fallout is worse than we thought. It's making Americans read." –Conan O'Brien

"The guy who blew the whistle on the NSA scandal is a former security worker named Edward Snowden. He is a high school dropout. He was making $122,000 a year. He lived in Hawaii. He was engaged to a beautiful former ballerina. And he gave it all up. So not only is he a whistleblower. He's also a moron." –Jay Leno

Snowden Goes to China

Jun 19, 2013

"This whistleblower is all over TV. His name is Edward Snowden, and he's very pleased with himself. He says he doesn't want to live in a society where the society monitors its people. And then he fled to China." –David Letterman

"Last week it was revealed that the National Security Agency has spied on Americans' phone records and Internet history for years. Yesterday, the source of the leak said he's hiding out in Hong Kong, marking the first time anyone has ever said, 'I don't want to be punished by the government – so I guess I'll go to China.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"People are asking how this Snowden guy could download all this classified information and give it to a British newspaper without the NSA knowing about it. I think I know the answer. If you don't want the NSA spying on you, get a job working at the NSA. That's how it works." –Jay Leno

"Snowden said today he was going to disclose all this information earlier, but he wanted to wait until after the election. To which Mitt Romney said, 'Hey, thanks a lot. Appreciate it.'" –Jay Leno

You Know Your Phone's Tapped When...

Jun 18, 2013

"You know your phone is being tapped when you're having a conversation and you hear the attorney general breathing." –David Letterman

"Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we're just saying it's a little bit weird you didn't have to." –The Daily Show's John Oliver on the NSA spying scandal

"This weekend, President Obama held talks with Chinese President Xi Jinping. It went well, although it got awkward when Obama asked China to stop spying on America and Jinping said, 'You first.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The new Superman movie opens on Friday. It's a great story: When Superman's dad realizes his son is gifted with X-ray vision and super hearing, he puts him in a rocket and sends him toward earth, because he knows with those powers he can get a job in the Obama administration." –Jay Leno

The Snooping Administration

Jun 17, 2013

"The White House is looking through our phone records, checking our computers, monitoring our emails. When did the government suddenly become our psycho ex-girlfriend? When did that happen?" –Jay Leno

"The IRS has taken some heat for reportedly spending $4 million on a conference in Anaheim last year, where employees took dancing lessons. One of the dances they learned? Tap dancing around the issues." –Jay Leno

"If Obama wants to put this snooping thing to good use, how about spying on the IRS the next time they throw a $4 million party? Why don't you do that?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama was visiting a middle school yesterday, and while he was there he said that every school in the U.S. should have high-speed Internet. Then it got awkward when one kid said, 'Why, so you can read our emails faster?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Can You Hear Me Now?

Jun 14, 2013

"It's come out that the government has been secretly collecting telephone records of millions of Verizon customers. Yeah, or as Verizon is calling it, 'The friends and family and Obama plan.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Another scandal hit the White House today. A report found that the government has been secretly collecting the phone records of Verizon customers. I knew something was up when I said, 'You hang up first.' Then my wife said, 'No, YOU hang up first!' Then Obama said, 'Uh, how about you just hang up at the same time?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The government has been secretly gathering data from your mobile phone. It's a huge scandal and it comes on the heels of President Obama's IRS scandal and Benghazi scandal. Even the crackhead mayor of Toronto is saying, 'rough week, huh?'" –Craig Ferguson

"A new report shows that the Obama administration has been collecting the telephone records of millions of customers of Verizon under a top-secret court order. Here's the sad part. It turns out that 90 percent of the phone calls Americans make are to order a pizza." –Jay Leno

New Levels of Ridiculous

Jun 13, 2013

"A new report says if Republicans want to win over young voters they need to get up to date with technology. Well, the GOP is listening because today they told young people everywhere to 'be prepared to receive a very exciting fax from us.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mayor Bloomberg now says he's outlawing sugary drinks. Look at this way: crime, meth labs, collapsing buildings – all not a problem. Sugary drinks? you are going to prison. You're going to do hard time." –David Letterman


"This week President Obama is going to be engaged in high-level talks with the president of China. Yes, President Obama's message to China is going to be, 'I swear we'll have the money for you by Tuesday.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Actor Steven Seagal is now in Russia. He is meeting with Vladimir Putin. Is this what American foreign policy has come down to? Dennis Rodman is in North Korea. Steven Seagal is in Russia. What's next? Are we air dropping Gary Busey into Syria? Maybe Snooki goes to Iraq?" –Jay Leno

Leno Rips Into the IRS

Jun 12, 2013

"The mystery is over. After a month of waiting, it turns out that an 84-year-old woman in Florida has won the $590 million Powerball lottery. As for how much tax she's going to have to pay, the IRS said it's too early to tell because they don't know whether she's a Republican or Democrat." –Jay Leno

"The IRS spent $4 million on a conference in Anaheim that included luxury hotel suites, passes to theme parks, and tickets to sporting events. They say they're not sure of the exact amount they spent because they didn't keep any receipts. I think Wesley Snipes is saying, 'Hey, what about me? I didn't have my receipts.'" –Jay Leno

"More problems for the IRS. Isn't that the feel-good story of the year? They wasted $50 million over a two-year period on conferences and retreats for employees. They even spent $11,000 on a happiness expert. I have an idea how to make them happier. How about stopping making everybody else's life miserable? Start with that!" –Jay Leno

"IRS executive Lois Lerner has refused to quit and will collect her full pay and benefits while on administrative leave. They asked her to resign. She refused to go. Where in the real world does that ever happen? You get fired and you tell your boss, 'I'm going to stay, and I want my money.' And you wonder why we're $16 trillion in debt." –Jay Leno

Leno Roasts Obama

Jun 07, 2013

"Casual Friday today in the Obama White House. Which means they're casually going through everyone's phone records." –Jay Leno

"A Democratic congressman said that he worries that the IRS scandal might have a chilling effect on the IRS and that they might be afraid to audit people. So finally some good is coming out of all of this." –Jay Leno

"Time magazine found a picture of President Obama at his high school prom back in 1979. Let me tell you how long ago that was. Back then, Obama had to ask a girl for her phone number. He couldn't illegally obtain it through the Justice Department." –Jay Leno

"It is not looking good for President Obama. Today, his teleprompter took the fifth. In fact, the White House has changed their slogan from, 'Yes, we can' to 'No, I can't remember.'" –Jay Leno

 

More Weiner Jokes

Jun 06, 2013

"Anthony Weiner is running for mayor of New York City and he had to change his campaign website yesterday because it accidentally showed a picture of the Pittsburgh skyline instead of Manhattan. Or as Weiner calls it, 'an embarrassing photo I can live with.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Anthony Weiner accidentally used a picture of the Pittsburgh skyline on his website instead of Manhattan. And that's not all, it doesn't stop there. Remember those pictures he tweeted of his penis? It wasn't his. It was Brett Favre's." –Jay Leno

Jimmy Fallon impersonating Anthony Weiner: "Hello, I'm Anthony Weiner, and I'm running for mayor of New York City. This is the greatest city on earth. But for the middle class, things just keep getting harder and harder and harder and harder. Look, we're in a pickle. A big pickle. Crime is up. Unemployment is rising. Schools are failing, and that's just the tip. I know I've made mistakes in the past, but I've grown since then. I've grown a lot. If you don't believe me, look at my latest poll. I may be a lot of things, but I'm not crooked. Trust me. Listen, New York, do you really want to roll the dice on this city's future? I sure don't. What I'm trying to say is, I know this race will be long and hard, but all you other candidates better watch out. I may be behind you, but I'm coming. That's why I'm asking you to pull my lever on erection day. I'm Anthony Weiner, and I paid for this massage."

Catholic Humor

Jun 05, 2013

"Pope Francis made an extremely controversial statement. He says he believes anyone can go to heaven if you do good deeds, even atheists. Some Catholics were upset by his comments because it means we wasted a lot of Sundays going to church." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness." –Conan O'Brien

"It would be fun to let atheists into heaven if for no other reason than to see the look on their faces when they get there." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, in Saudi Arabia the head of the religious police said he believes that Saudi citizens who use Twitter will go to hell. Let me get this straight. Tweeting leads to damnation. But filling a palace with kidnapped beauty contestants – that's OK?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Sad State of Affairs

Jun 04, 2013

"During a Senate hearing yesterday, Senator John McCain said it was too hard to always have to update apps on his iPhone. No one has the heart to tell him the device he was holding was a garage door opener." –Conan O'Brien

"Vice President Joe Biden met with two undocumented immigrants this week to promote the new immigration bill. When they learned they had to sit down with Biden, they went ahead and deported themselves." –Jimmy Fallon

"Everything's going bad for President Obama with Benghazi and other controversies. But Obama's trying to turn things around. He's sending in SEAL Team 6 to bring back Justin Bieber's monkey." –David Letterman

"And if SEAL Team 6 doesn't work, he's sending in Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman
 

Kimmel on Cannabis

Jun 03, 2013

"We had an election in Los Angeles yesterday. Three measures involved medical marijuana. The one that passed was a proposition that limits the number of marijuana dispensaries in the city. The rule now is there cannot be more marijuana stores than cupcake shops – because they feed on each other." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The proposition will limit the number of dispensaries in L.A. to 135. Unfortunately, right now there are about 800 pot shops, so the employees of 665 of them will be out of work. And on top of that, their resumes will say they used to work at a pot store. So I wish them luck." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In November, Colorado passed an amendment that legalized the recreational use of marijuana. It's resulted in a surge of 'pot tourism.' People come for the weekend to smoke pot and the next thing they know, it's 30 years later they're still there working in a carbon-neutral coffee shop." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new study estimates that Colorado residents will legally smoke more than 2 million ounces of marijuana next year. That's like a reggae festival and Willie Nelson's birthday combined." –Jimmy Kimmel
 

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