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Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Chunk of Chuckles

Mar 12, 2009
Jay Leno: “Hey, quite, quite a scare in Washington, DC, today. You may have heard about this. Police were called to the White House. Apparently, President Obama was in a meeting with some potential cabinet nominees. Someone noticed a suspicious looking document on the table no one had ever seen before. Turns out it was just a tax form,” but it “gave them quite a fright.”

Jay Leno: “I love this story. The President’s latest nominee, this one for US trade representative, a man named Ron Kirk, who owes the government $10,000 in back taxes, has agreed to pay his taxes. That’s what the paper said today. He’s agreed to pay them. When was there a choice?”

Jay Leno: “And Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he plans to go after tax evaders after failing to pay his own taxes.” It is all part “of the government’s ‘Operation Do As I Say, Not As I Do.’”

Jay Leno: “Rush Limbaugh has challenged President Obama to a debate. A White House spokesman said the President has bigger things to worry about. I’m thinking, ‘Really? Bigger than Rush Limbaugh?’ Have you…seen Rush lately?”

Jay Leno: “And according to a top Russian scholar, the US economy will collapse next year, which comes as a huge shock to most people. I think we thought it was going to collapse this year,” so “we’ve got another year to party. Yeah!”

Jay Leno: “And Bernard Madoff, the man who operated the Ponzi scheme that screwed $50 billion out of people” is “now saying he should be allowed to keep $62 million and his $7 million penthouse. Yeah. His lawyers are arguing he needs that money to live out the rest of his life. You know, I’ve got a solution for that, okay? It’s called the death penalty.”

David Letterman: “As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party,” but “they’ll probably go with a different body.”

 

David Letterman: “You guys know anything about this weasel, this rodent, Bernie Madoff? He “decided what he would do would be to swindle his friends. And so he did a pretty good job. He got them for…$50 billion,” and “now his lovely wife” Ruth “was able to get 69 million. And she wants to keep that.” She and her husband “say it’s not fraud money, it’s money they saved on gas by fully inflating their tires.”

David Letterman: “Here’s a cute story. You know the Obama kids? They got a swing set there on the White House lawn. And here’s the nice thing. This is what you like about Obama.” He is a “very conscientious guy. Thinks of everything,” because the swing set “didn’t cost the taxpayers anything. They built the swing set out of old pieces of Dick Cheney’s guard tower.”

Craig Ferguson: “According to a new study, people are sleeping less because they’re worried about the economy. I think also it might have something to do with the fact they’re sleeping under bridges.”

Jimmy Fallon: “Barack Obama bought a brand new swing set for his daughters, Malia and Sasha. It has a slide and a rope ladder. It’s great. It’s much nicer than the one George Bush used.”


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