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December 2010 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Jay Looks at the Census and Approval Ratings

Dec 28, 2010

Jay Leno: "A new survey finds that although his approval ratings are low, President Obama is still ahead of the most prominent Republicans. Have you seen his tax plan? He is the most prominent Republican."

Jay Leno: "President Obama read his new children's book to a classroom of second-graders in Virginia. It did not go well. Fifty-nine percent of the kids disapproved, and 83 percent of the children felt the story was headed in the wrong direction."

Jay Leno: "The census shows there are more than 308 million people living in America. The amazing part is: More than half of those people are Americans."

Jay Leno: "On a flight from Cuba to Canada, a man threatened to shoot flight attendants after they stopped serving him drinks. He has been charged with making death threats and if convicted, he could lose his pilot's license."

Jay Explains How Cold It Is in Washington

Dec 27, 2010

Jay Leno: "It was so cold in Washington, President Obama got into bed with the Republicans just for the warmth."

Jimmy Fallon: "Happy birthday to Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Obama was going to get him a present, but it's a little weird buying someone a gift with their own money."

Jay Leno: "President Obama met with leaders of 60 American Indian tribes. I don't want to say the country's in bad shape, but he offered to give it back to them."

Jay Leno: "The President was honored by the Indians with his own Indian name. They now call him 'Dances with Republicans.'"

WikiLeaks versus Santa, and More

Dec 17, 2010

Jay Leno: "Two feet of snow in the Midwest. But the good news is, these are the first shovel-ready jobs Obama has come up with since becoming President."

Jay Leno: "Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time magazine's Person of the Year. They said he has single-handedly changed the way we waste time at work."

David Letterman: "Julian Assange, the WikiLeaks guy, is out on bail. Today, in the holiday spirit, he leaked 200 letters to Santa."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama showed up 20 minutes late to a press conference. It was the longest he's kept everyone waiting — well, unless you count the past two years."

Free Lunch, Giant Mice, and More

Dec 16, 2010

Jay Leno: "According to a new poll, 51 percent of Americans feel that their lives were better two years ago before President Obama took office. To which President Obama said, 'Join the club.'"

Craig Ferguson: "After signing the child nutrition law, President Obama said it shows our government is serious about setting a good example for children's health. Then he went outside to smoke a cigarette."

Jimmy Fallon: "Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner had to go to the hospital today because of a kidney stone. On the bright side, the stone was the first thing in months passed by a member of the Obama administration."

Conan O'Brien: "Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real."

Christmas Re-Gifters and Computer Hackers

Dec 14, 2010

Jay Leno: "Do you know that President Obama is into re-gifting? In fact, he just gave the Republicans the tax cuts he inherited from President Bush."

Craig Ferguson: "Thousands of people turned out to see President Obama's Christmas tree lighting. I knew it would be beautiful. I watched it a couple days ago on WikiLeaks."

Jimmy Fallon: "After hacking into Visa and MasterCard yesterday, WikiLeaks supporters now want to take down Amazon.com. After they do it, Amazon will suggest a list of similar sites they might also enjoy hacking."

Jimmy Kimmel: "The Chinese government is very upset that a dissident is receiving the Nobel Peace Prize. They said that any countries attending the ceremonies will be insulting China. This could be the first war started by a peace prize."

Jay Looks at Obama's Tax Deal

Dec 10, 2010

Jay Leno: "It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes, we can' to 'Yes, we caved.'"

Jay Leno: "According to a report, the worst drivers in the country are in Washington, D.C. -- Republicans can only turn right, Democrats can only turn left, and Obama is weaving all over the place."

Jay Leno: "China is holding about a trillion dollars in U.S. debt. Next time you go for Chinese food and the bill comes, tell them to put it on the tab."

David Letterman: "It's so cold that the security guys at the airports are putting their hands in their own pants."

Jay Says the U.S. Has Money to Burn

Dec 08, 2010

Jay Leno: "President Obama's pledge to have the most transparent administration in history has come true. Thanks to WikiLeaks."

Jay Leno: "What kind of name is WikiLeaks? It sounds like a Hawaiian guy that's incontinent."

Jay Leno: "Because of a printing error, a billion new $100 bills have to be destroyed. They're going to burn $100 billion dollars — just like they did with the last stimulus program."

David Letterman: "Willie Nelson was arrested for possession of marijuana. Nothing yet on bin Laden, but we got Willie Nelson."

Jay and Conan Observe the Holidays

Dec 03, 2010

Jay Leno: "President Obama announced a two-year pay freeze for all federal employees. This means the next time the TSA agent is reaching into your pockets, he's looking for spare change."

Jay Leno: "President Obama received 12 stitches in his lip after being elbowed in the mouth during a basketball game. Out of force of habit, he blamed George Bush."

Jay Leno: "The annual 'Christmas Village' in Philadelphia has been renamed the 'Holiday Village.' In fact, they're not Santa's reindeer anymore...they're now 'nondenominational venison.'"

Conan O'Brien: "President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, 'It's even worse than we thought. He's a Jewish Muslim."

Flying Elbows and Holiday Shopping

Dec 01, 2010

Craig Ferguson: "President Obama needed 12 stitches after taking an elbow to the mouth during a basketball game, but he learned a valuable lesson: Don't get in the way of Hillary's tomahawk jab."

Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama took an elbow to the face last week and had to get 12 stitches. He was in line at Best Buy trying to get a $49 Blu-ray player."

Conan O'Brien: "Monday was a big online shopping day called 'Cyber Monday.' Immediately followed by 'Identity Theft Tuesday.'"

Conan O'Brien: "Time Warner Cable is testing a premium service that sets a specific time for the installer to arrive. The two times available are winter and spring."

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