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September 2010 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Jay and Jimmy on the Tea Party and Math Teachers

Sep 29, 2010

Jay Leno: "At the U.N., President Obama called on other countries to help us track down and eliminate radicals and extremists. But they told Obama, 'Hey, the Tea Party is your problem, buddy.'"

Jay Leno: "These Tea Party groups are very conservative. In fact, 58 percent of Tea Party members now believe Joe Biden is a Muslim."

Jay Leno: "President Obama said he plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers. How about teaching math to that economic team of his?"

Jimmy Fallon: "On the 'Today' show, President Obama said he supports having a longer school year. In response, Sasha and Malia announced they support Sarah Palin."

Dave Locates Obama's Birth Certificate

Sep 27, 2010

David Letterman: "President Obama was speaking at the U.N. and no one could tell if it was a calm, measured address or an angry tirade."

David Letterman: "The premiere of 'Hawaii Five-O' was a great episode. The cops were looking around and they accidentally stumbled upon Obama’s birth certificate."

Jay Leno: "Larry Summers, President Obama's top economic adviser, is stepping down. So finally some good economic news. I'll tell ya, Summers didn't want to leave, but apparently he was out of bad ideas."

Jay Leno: "Summers is actually the third Obama economic adviser to leave the White House since July. In face, the only jobs opening up these days are for White House economic advisers."




U.N. Gridlock and the "End" of the Recession

Sep 23, 2010

Jimmy Fallon: "Yesterday, President Obama's aide had to step in and pay more money after Obama only gave a fruit vendor a dollar for four apples. The aide said it was awkward having to pay Obama's bill. Then China was like, 'Eh, you get used to it.'"

 
Jimmy Fallon: "Traffic here in New York was backed up because of the U.N. General Assembly's annual meeting. You could hardly get anywhere or do anything. It was almost like being in the U.N."

Jay Leno: "Al Qaeda's No. 2 man has released yet another tape where he criticizes the entire Pakistan government, calls them incompetent and corrupt, and demands they be thrown out of office. So it sounds like we have a Tea Party over there, too."

Jay Leno: "The National Bureau of Economic Research announced the recession actually ended in 2009. What idiots we were! So that recession you think you're in, that's as imaginary as the job you used to have."


Jay and Jimmy on Jobs and Crime

Sep 17, 2010

Jay Leno: "President Obama spoke to students this week and told them to stay focused and stay in school. You know why? Because there are no jobs out there."

Jay Leno: "Nancy Pelosi's Republican opponent, John Dennis, has an ad where he depicts Pelosi as the Wicked Witch of the West. Pelosi is very angry and the Wicked Witch is even angrier."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Experts say the decrease in crime could be due to the aging of the population, increased incarceration, and many criminals finding jobs in the banking industry and on Wall Street."

Jimmy Kimmel: "You know things are bad when even criminals can't find work in this country."

Jay & Co. on Obama, Oprah and Newt

Sep 15, 2010

Jay Leno: "President Obama insisted that the U.S. economy is still showing improvement. And he said you can take that to the bank, if you can find any that are still open."

Jay Leno: "According to a new report, 41 of President Obama's staffers now owe the government more than $831,000 in back taxes. When asked if they could just keep avoiding taxes, they said, 'Yes we can! Yes we can!'"

Craig Ferguson: "It's a great day for the leader of the free world. Of course, I'm talking about Oprah."

Jimmy Fallon: "Newt Gingrich said President Obama is out of touch with how the world works. Then Gingrich was like, 'Hold on, I think someone is faxing me something.'"

Jay Explains Our Economic Policy

Sep 13, 2010

Jay Leno: "According to government auditors, the stimulus money is being held up because there aren't enough government workers to oversee the spending. So, follow me: In other words, government workers who aren't there are needed to spend money we don't have to create jobs that don't exist."

Jay Leno: "The Atlantic had a big article on the inevitability of Israel going to war with Iran over building nuclear weapons. But the White House thinks that strong economic sanctions will bring them to their knees, raise unemployment, and cause their factories to close –- the same way those economic sanctions worked right here."

Jimmy Fallon: "Merriam-Webster says that Sarah Palin's made-up word 'refudiate' was the most searched word of the summer. But no matter how hard they tried, Palin's supporters couldn't find the word in the Definitionary or the Wordasaurus."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Florida pastor Terry Jones originally planned to burn the Koran, then he called it off because he believed he made a deal with an imam to stop the plan to build a mosque near Ground Zero. The imam said that wasn’t true, he agreed to no such thing. Then Pastor Jones said he was lied to and the burning was back on. This guy is unbelievable. He’s like the Brett Favre of burning books."

Jay and Craig Look at Fixes for the Economy

Sep 10, 2010

Jay Leno: "President Obama was in Cleveland pitching his latest economic plan. He picked Cleveland because those are the Browns fans, and in September, they'll believe anything."

Jay Leno: "There was one awkward moment when the speech ended at lunchtime -- 9.6 percent of the people had no job to go back to."

Jay Leno: "President Obama has introduced a $50 billion plan to rebuild the nation's infrastructure. Now, let's think back, remember the first $187 billion stimulus package, wasn't that what that was supposed to do? Remember when we were told about what were called shovel-ready jobs? Whenever Washington talks about shovel-ready jobs, get your shovel ready."

Craig Ferguson: "So far, rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn't mean they won't get mad about it, it just means they don't know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn't dare interrupt their game of croquet."

Leno Looks at the Corrupt and the Clueless

Sep 09, 2010

Jay Leno: "U.S. commanders in Afghanistan are ending their zero-tolerance policy on corruption and allowing local officials who are on our side to be 'moderately' corrupt. It's the same policy we have in Congress."

Jay Leno: "Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer stopped speaking during an interview and stared blankly at the camera for 30 seconds. The good news is, she's now eligible to be governor of Alaska."

Jay Leno: "President Obama will be laying out a new economic plan. Apparently, we had an old economic plan."

Jay Leno: "Hillary Clinton opened the Middle East peace talks and said, "People with a history of conflict can learn to live together.' And believe me, she knows what she's talking about."

Dave & Co. on Veep Rumors and More

Sep 08, 2010

David Letterman: "Hillary Clinton is denying rumors that she will replace Joe Biden as the Vice President in 2012. It's fun to have a Clinton denying stuff again."

Jimmy Fallon: "At the White House yesterday, President Obama told Israelis and Palestinians to reach a peace deal because they might not get another chance soon. That's not really a peace plan. That's how you get a five-year-old to use the bathroom."

Jay Leno: "President Obama is now trying for peace in the Middle East using a two-state solution. I believe the two states are denial and delusion."

Craig Ferguson: "The Department of Labor has launched a new Web site to help unemployed Americans. President Obama said the Web site is amazing and he can't wait to check it out in a few years."

Jay Looks at Obama's Address

Sep 03, 2010

Jay Leno: "In only his second Oval Office address, President Obama announced the end of Operation Iraqi Freedom. He said we have given the Iraqis a Western-style government. Well, we certainly have, haven't we? Their economy is in shambles, their Congress is corrupt, the country is broke. Welcome aboard!"

Jay Leno: "Before President Obama's address, he called former President George W. Bush. I'm not saying the economy is bad, but he called collect."

Jay Leno: "I guess they had a pretty cordial conversation. President Bush said for the last 19 months, he's been relaxing and playing golf. President Obama said, 'You too?'"

Jay on Katrina, Clemens and More

Sep 02, 2010

Jay Leno: "President Obama was in New Orleans for the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Halfway through his speech, FEMA finally showed up."

Jay Leno: "President Obama said he can't walk around with his birth certificate plastered on his forehead. Apparently he was reacting to new polls that show 1 in 5 Kenyans now believe he was born in Hawaii."

Jay Leno: "Congress is very upset with Roger Clemens because they feel like they were lied to. Good! Now they know how we feel."

Craig Ferguson: "I just got back from vacation. I went on vacation the same time as President Obama. We both had to get away from it all and not do anything of significance. And now we are back and still not doing anything of significance."

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