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February 2011 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Conan and Jay Look at Libya and Wisconsin

Feb 28, 2011

Conan O'Brien: "Moammar Gadhafi said no sane person would join the protests against him. He then joined the protests against himself."

Jay Leno: "The price of oil is rising because of all the unrest in the Middle East. And the unrest in Wisconsin is causing the price of cheese to go through the roof."

Jay Leno: "Economists say gas prices could rise to $5 a gallon. The good news is that instead of this money going to ruthless America-hating dictators, it will go to ruthless America-hating democracies."
Jay Leno: "I spent Presidents Day acting like a President. I took someone else's money and spent it on something I don't need."

Special Presidents Day Edition

Feb 23, 2011

Conan O'Brien: "Happy Presidents Day. Or, as it's being called in the Middle East, Overthrow Your Presidents Day."

David Letterman: "They say President Lincoln once walked three miles to pay back a penny. That makes him the last President to do anything about the debt."

Craig Ferguson: "President Taft was so fat that before he was elected to the Oval Office it was square."

Conan O'Brien: "President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha’s basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off."

Craig Ferguson: "I'm glad we have a day for the Presidents, but shouldn't we have a day for Congress when the Senate and the House can kick back and not worry about getting anything done? Oh, wait."

Jay and Jimmy on Man versus Machine

Feb 18, 2011

Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama was in San Francisco, meeting with a group of technology executives, including Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. Their goal is to figure out how to create new jobs, to replace jobs that have been lost as a result of everyone spending all their time at work on Facebook."

Jimmy Kimmel: "The President hopes that, based on the success of programs like FarmVille, a million new imaginary jobs can be created by the year 2012."

Jimmy Fallon: "Arkansas Congressman Steve Womack has proposed cutting funding for President Obama's teleprompter. Oh man, when Obama finds out, he's going to be speechless."

Jay Leno: "Watson the computer crushed its human opponents on 'Jeopardy!' This is the greatest victory of machine over man since the election of Arnold Schwarzenegger."

Jay and Dave Look at Low-Cost Gifts and Mubarak's Billions

Feb 17, 2011

Jay Leno: "First lady Michelle Obama told 'Regis & Kelly' she was expecting jewelry on Valentine's Day. She said it wouldn't be anything extravagant because Barack tends to be responsible when he's spending his own money."

Jay Leno: "Facebook is looking into buying Twitter for around $10 billion. If all goes as planned, the company hopes to combine the two companies, creating the biggest waste of time the world has ever seen."

David Letterman: "Hosni Mubarak reportedly didn't understand the Internet and social networking. That may be true, but somehow he figured out how to wire $80 billion to Switzerland."

Jimmy Fallon: "The New York Times says new cars will no longer be equipped with cassette players. Come on, it's 2011 -- people still read newspapers?"

Traffic Cameras and an App for Confessions

Feb 16, 2011

Jimmy Fallon: "Egyptian officials say that Hosni Mubarak is going through a 'severe psychological condition.' It's called 'getting dumped a week before Valentine's Day.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "Mubarak is the richest man in the world, with more than $70 billion in hidden assets. That will go up even more once his unemployment kicks in."
Jay Leno: "The Catholic Church has approved an app that lets people confess their sins through their iPhones. The No. 1 confession? Taking the Lord's name in vain after the iPhone drops your call."

Jay Leno: "Washington, D.C., is updating its traffic cameras to enforce traffic laws. How about enforcing bribery and corruption laws?"

Comics Keep Score: Mubarak Out, Olbermann In

Feb 15, 2011

Jay Leno: "Egypt's President Mubarak finally resigned. When they heard that a Muslim president stepped down, the Tea Party said, 'Obama's leaving?'"

Bill Maher: "This whole revolution was started by a Facebook page. So Mubarak wasn't so much deposed as de-friended."

Conan O'Brien: "Representative Chris Lee was forced to resign after sending a shirtless picture of himself to a woman on Craigslist. On the bright side, he did surprise his wife for Valentine's Day."

Jay Leno: "Keith Olbermann has a new job on Al Gore's Current TV as an investigative reporter. His job will be to find anyone that watches Current TV."

Stubborn Politicians and Dangerous Asteroids

Feb 11, 2011

Jay Leno: "President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not for dietary reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything."

Jay Leno: "The problem in Egypt is that so many government officials are rich and the people are poor. I think it’s a pyramid scheme."

Conan O'Brien: "A California man is suing Disney because he was trapped on the 'It’s a Small World' ride for 40 minutes. When they heard about it, the Chilean miners said, 'Wow, we got off easy.'"

Craig Ferguson: "Russian astronomers say an asteroid is heading toward our planet and will hit us in 2036. You have to keep in mind that Russian astronomers use empty vodka bottles for telescopes."

From High-Speed Trains to Potholes

Feb 10, 2011

Craig Ferguson: "Joe Biden announced plans for a $53 billion train system. To offset the cost, they're raising the price of a train ticket to $53 billion."

Jay Leno: "President Obama urged private businesses to hire more workers. He didn't realize that only the government hires more people than it needs."

Jimmy Fallon: "Prince William’s nightclub owner friend is said to be planning a wild bachelor party for him. It must be weird stuffing a bill in a stripper’s G-string when it has a picture of your grandmother on it."

David Letterman: "Recent storms have been very tough on New York City. Just today, Mayor Bloomberg was busy cutting the ribbon on a new pothole."

Jay and Dave Recap the Super Bowl

Feb 09, 2011

Craig Ferguson: "This year's Super Bowl was the most-watched event in history. Take that, moon landing!"

Jay Leno: "Homeland Security told people at the game that if they saw anything not right, give them a call. They got 50 million calls as soon as Christina Aguilera started singing the national anthem."

David Letterman: "At President Obama's Super Bowl party, they had cheeseburgers and deep-dish pizza. So much for Michelle Obama's healthy eating initiative."

Jay Leno: "Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak told ABC News that he would like to step down from power immediately, but if he did, it could cause chaos in his country. Well, you would hate to see that happen."

Jimmy and Jay Keep an Eye on Egypt

Feb 08, 2011

Jimmy Fallon: "Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak said President Obama doesn’t understand Egyptian culture. Man, get off your high camel!"

Jay Leno: "President Mubarak came out of the presidential palace today and saw his shadow -- six more weeks of rock throwing."

Conan O'Brien: "Hosni's son Gamal Mubarak says he does not want to become president, which is just as well. If you've seen one Mubarak, you’ve seen Gamal."

Jimmy Fallon: "Joe Lieberman is writing a book about the Jewish Sabbath called 'Gift of Rest.' I hear he’s been working on it 24/6."

Updates from the Egypt Situation…

Feb 04, 2011

Jay Leno: "The big rumor: Sarah Palin said she may run for president. I understand there's an opening in Egypt."

Jay Leno: "President Mubarak came out of the presidential palace today and saw his shadow; six more weeks of rock throwing."

Stephen Colbert: "These days it seems like you can't have an armed street mob without it turning ugly."

‎Jon Stewart: "Alright, Hosni. Now you've gone too far. Hands off Anderson Cooper. There is not to be a silvery wisp out of place on that man's glorious head."
Jay Leno: "Experts now say the protests in Egypt were started by bloggers. Bloggers started the whole thing on Facebook. In fact, the No. 1 choice to replace Mubarak — Justin Bieber."

Comedians Joke Like an Egyptian

Feb 02, 2011


Conan O’Brien: "Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the internet. Listen, if you want people to stay home and do nothing, turn the internet back on."

Jay Leno: "Huge riots continue in Egypt. Experts say one of the problems over there is there is a huge difference in wealth between the extremely rich and the vast majority of the people who have nothing. Thank God that could never happen in this country, huh?"

Jay Leno: "I haven't seen this many protestors in Cairo since the last time they announced Brendan Fraser was doing another one of those 'Mummy' movies."

David Letterman: "Egypt has shut off cell phones and the internet. It’s like visiting your parents’ house."

Jimmy Kimmel: "I don't know much about politics over there (in Egypt), but I heard they broke into their national museum and destroyed some mummies. The one thing I do know is that disturbing 2,000-year-old mummies is a terrible idea. If there's one thing Brendan Fraser has taught us, it's that."
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