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Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Late-nite comedy

May 29, 2009

Jay Leno: “President Barack Obama’s in Los Angeles tonight for a huge fundraiser at the Beverly Hilton Hotel. Actually, one awkward moment -- as Obama was entering the Beverly Hilton, he bumped into John Edwards, who was sneaking out.”

Jay Leno: “People in Beverly Hills had a lot of questions for the President about health care. They wanted to make sure that tummy tucks and Brazilian butt lifts were covered under Medicare.”

Jay Leno: “And we’re learning more and more about Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor. … She grew up in New York City, close to Yankee Stadium. And she is still a lifelong Yankee fan, which works out great for her because…the Supreme Court’s next session doesn’t begin until October, and by that time, the Yankees are usually done with it.”

Jay Leno: “Let me tell you something. These Supreme Court nominees have it a lot tougher being interviewed by President Obama because he used to be a constitutional law professor. So he knows what questions to ask. See, when Bill Clinton had female nominees, he just had the one question – ‘Let’s see how you look under that robe.’”

Jay Leno: “And during her confirmation hearings, Judge Sotomayor is going to get tough questions from the senators. But I think she’ll be fine. I mean, this is a woman who spent her whole life in the courtroom, so she’s used to be around criminals.”

Jay Leno: “I read in the -- this seems a little scary -- in the paper today, President Obama had less than a one-hour warning of North Korea’s nuclear tests. Yeah. Well, that’s not bad when you realize he has absolutely no warning when Joe Biden’s going to go off.”

Jay Leno: “And during a speech at a high school, former President George W. Bush said he’s really enjoying the fact that he’s no longer president. Hey, join the club.”

Jay Leno: “And the American College of Sports Medicine announced its list of the fittest cities in the United States. It’s surprising -- you know what the number one fittest city is? … Washington, D.C. Number one. Yeah. I wouldn’t have guessed that. But, see, it’s from all of the Democrats running away from Nancy Pelosi, and all of the Republicans running away from Rush Limbaugh. So they all stay in shape. That’s how it works.”

Jay Leno: “Even with the recession, the price of gas continues to go up. And some economists say that’s because speculators think the economy will turn around soon, and when things are good, gas prices are high. …But you know, when things are bad, gas prices are high. … I’m not an economist, but here’s a wild thought. Maybe the oil companies are just trying to screw us.”

Jimmy Fallon: “President Barack Obama’s in Las Vegas. So, if things go well at the table, General Motors just might make it.”

Jimmy Fallon: “Meanwhile, after running out of options, Chrysler headed to bankruptcy court this morning. That isn’t good. They headed there in a brand new Mitsubishi. That was even worse.”

Jimmy Fallon: “On his radio show yesterday, Rush Limbaugh called supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor a ‘reverse racist.’ I got to hand it to Limbaugh. That guy is a reverse genius.”

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