Late-nite comedy

Jay Leno: “Well, the Olympics are over.” The “great thing about the Olympics” is you have people that “are otherwise enemies…pretending to get along for a couple of days. Oh, I’m sorry, that was the Democratic convention.”

Jay Leno: “Hey, earlier this evening, Hillary Clinton spoke at the Democratic convention. It’s pretty amazing. She gave her entire speech while biting her tongue. Do you know how hard that is?”

Jay Leno: “In fact, while Michelle Obama gave her speech, Barack Obama watched the whole thing from a family’s living room in Missouri. … I mean, I know it’s tough getting a hotel room in Denver right now, but come on.”

Jay Leno: “And as you know, Barack Obama has chosen Delaware Sen. Joseph Biden to be his vice presidential running mate.” Biden “has 35 years experience in Washington,” so “between the two of them, that’s almost 36 years of experience.”

David Letterman: Top Ten Things Overheard At The Democratic National Convention.

“10. ‘Check it out – Bill Clinton and John Edwards are hitting on the same woman.’
9. ‘The decorations are made from John Kerry 2004 bumper stickers.’
8. ‘I think the Chinese delegates are underage.’
7. ‘No, Mr. President, you belong at the Republican convention.’
6. ‘Sen. Biden, do you think you’ll shoot an old guy in the face?’
5. ‘Shut up! I’m trying to listen to Wisconsin Gov. Jim Doyle.’
4. No number 4 – writer at screening of ‘House Bunny.’
3. ‘Coming up next, a look at Democratic candidates’ greatest concession speeches.’
2. ‘Yes, at midnight they’re going to tase Andy Dick.’
1. ‘Hey, it’s a giant Al Gore balloon! Oh, wait. That’s Al Gore.’”

David Letterman: “It was so nice today in New York City that John McCain is buying a house here.”

David Letterman: “And of course today Hillary Clinton spoke at the Democratic National Convention. And Bill Clinton was there, cheering “and applauding. So was his date.”
Conan O’Brien: “Of course, last night, Michelle Obama” gave “a very nice speech” at the convention. She “said she’s been in love with Barack ever since he took her on their first date and bought her ice cream.” Meanwhile, “John McCain’s wife Cindy said she’s been in love with McCain ever since he hit her over the head with a club and dragged her back to his cave.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “Tonight, Sen. Hillary Clinton” gave a “highly anticipated” convention speech. People “were curious to find out how she would endorse her former foe,” and she “endorsed him pretty strongly,” saying “whatever you’re feeling about the primaries, now is the time for the Democrats to put aside…differences [and] come together to rally behind Mr. Potato Ears.”