Sep 23, 2014
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Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Laughs to Close Out the Week

Aug 15, 2008
Jay Leno: “Since Congress went on recess, oil prices have dropped to $118 a barrel. That’s, like, a $30 drop from the record high. You know, maybe Congress should take more vacations, huh?”

 

Jay Leno: “Actually, analysts say a weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. Yeah. Basically, the worse the economy, the lower the oil prices, which means if Bush could serve one more term, oil would be free.”

Jay Leno: “Well, Barack Obama and John McCain have both switched their positions on offshore oil drilling. They both used to be against it, but now they say they are for it under the right circumstances, like if it helps them get elected.”

Jay Leno: “And according to CNN, Vice President Dick Cheney is unlikely to attend the Republican convention this summer. That’s when you know you’re popular, huh?”

Jay Leno: “No, it’s a logistical problem. Apparently, all the ambulances are already on standby for John McCain.”

Jay Leno: “President Bush is on his way to China. His first order of business, meeting the ‘Kung Fu Panda.’”

Jay Leno: “And in China, the Olympic torch finally reached Beijing. Unfortunately, there’s so much smog, today the torch lit the sky on fire.”

Jay Leno: “The International Olympic Committee is saying that the yellow-gray haze over Beijing is not pollution, it is only mist. … Okay, it’s lead mist, but still.”

Jay Leno: “Have you seen China’s slogan for the Olympics? Here it is. “One world, one dream.’ But see the asterisk? Go in close. What does it say? ‘Restrictions apply, Tibet not included.’”

Jay Leno: “And because of this entire Brett Favre situation,” which has “turned out to be such a public relations disaster, the Green Bay Packers have hired President Bush’s former spokesman Ari Fleischer. … So you know what the Packers are going to do now? Invade Iraq.”

David Letterman: “Everybody in Beijing…has Olympic fever. … Or, as it’s also known, bronchial asthma.”

David Letterman: “Well, the big debates are coming up.” Barack Obama “wants to debate about foreign policy,” while “John McCain wants to debate about the big band era.”

David Letterman: “You know, I like John McCain. He looks like the guy that hangs out at the driving range,” always “giving you unwanted tips. … ‘You’re topping the ball. You’re top -- give me the club. You’re topping the damn ball!’”

Conan O’Brien: “Of course, Barack Obama” is “still continuing to dominate media coverage. ‘The New York Times’ just did a big piece” in which they “say that Barack Obama has been successful in politics because he’s a black man who doesn’t make white people feel threatened,” which “explains Obama’s Secret Service code name, ‘Al Roker.’”

Jimmy Kimmel: “I don’t know if you about this, but there is a formidable new combatant in the presidential race. Barely a week after John McCain used her image in an ad attacking Barack Obama, Paris Hilton is fighting back. Yesterday, she released her own political ad in which” she “talked about her own energy policy, which until this point I think had been…vodka and Red Bull.”


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