Perspective: A Solid Plan for My First 31 Days

March 4, 2017 02:38 AM
Donald Trump

The administration change in Washington has been marked by the excitement of jettisoning burdensome traditions and legal niceties. With this comprehensive reinvention of our presidency, the pattern to overhaul everything each time a new chief executive is somehow selected will become standard operating procedure, so all of us who have dreamed of our unlikely ascension to POTUS need to be ready with our initial frenzy of reorganization and innovation. Here’s my list for my first 31 days in office. Yours might differ slightly.

  • Select a Secret Service code name of “Weasel.”
  • Buy a second tie. Rent a tuxedo.
  • Offer a Cabinet post to an actual cabinetmaker. I’m thinking Norm Abram, but if he’s not available see if the census people can find a guy named Chester Drawers.
  • Mandate all windshield wiper controls exactly like the one in my pickup.
  • Label the Oval Office drawers and cabinets with my label maker. 
  • Repeal all celebrated days, weeks, etc., such as “January is Polystyrene Month.” Re-auction them off to the highest bidders. Designate proceeds for my future library/theme park.
  • Stop pardoning turkeys. Just grant 24-hour stays of execution.
  • Watch a TV show. Tweet about it.
  • Change the name of Denali/Mount McKinley to “Big Eric.”
  • Combine all cabinet departments into (1) Defense and (2) Everything Else.
  • Commission my official portrait to be painted on black velvet.
  • Stash away several suitcases of White House souvenirs just in case of impeachment or it’s all been a ghastly mistake.
  • Write to all the people who beat me in any election since third grade and say, “Neener, neener” on official White House stationary.
  • Repeal the Times Roman font. Also Comic Sans.  
  • Institute a cover charge and two-drink minimum at press conferences.
  • Prank call the FBI director with the old “female body inspector” gag.
  • Award the Metal of Freedom to zinc.
  • Bet Congress they can’t work four days straight. Losers are banned from Air Force One.
  • Put a woodworking shop next to the Situation Room.
  • Negotiate with China to change the name of their currency—renminbi—to something pronounceable.
  • Require the National Agricultural Statistics Service to issue crop reports at randomized times and dates.
  • Buy lots of State Farm and Allstate stock. Then tweet my intention to repeal seat belts, car seats, air bags and smoke detectors. If the market reacts the wrong way, tweet “just kidding.”
  • Tighten admission standards for the Electoral College, requiring an ACT score above 30.
  • Instead of a White House dog, get a presidential seal.
  • Encourage the Supreme Court to lighten up. Suggest pastel robes.
  • Invite the Chicago Cubs to the White House despite the World Series outcome.
  • Change the Easter Egg Roll to a Super Mario tournament.
  • Make Pluto a planet again. Also Krypton.
  • Offer Canada to swap Alaska for Ontario.
  • Hire a bashful waiter for the White House dining room. Introduce him or her as my “insecure server” at state functions.
  • Clean up our ridiculous state boundaries, getting rid of “panhandles” and the pointy part of West Virginia. Trade the Upper Peninsula from Michigan to Wisconsin for some defensive linemen and a decent wide receiver. Designate Rhode Island as a parking space for Connecticut.

After this exhaustive leadershipping, I’d head off to vacation at Camp David. Assuming Dave is home, of course. Next up: adding helpful cartoon illustrations to the Constitution.

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