A Good Laugh

Published on: 03:16AM Jun 24, 2008

Jay Leno: “Thanks for coming out on such a hot day. … It was so hot, Barack Obama met with Al Gore just for the shade.”

Jay Leno: “Yesterday, a bunch of these Bear Stearns hedge funds guys were arrested for shady business practices. Talk about turning lemons into lemonade, today Bear Stearns…announced they’re opening a new division specializing in bail bonds.”

Jay Leno: “The government says they’re focusing on some e-mails that show these guys may have given bad investment advice. For example, a lot of the e-mails began, ‘I’m a diplomat currently living in exile in Nigeria.’”

Jay Leno: “President Bush and Senator John McCain were both touring the flood-damaged areas of Iowa this week, but they did not cross each other’s path. McCain said he didn’t want to join up with Bush because that might send the wrong message. You know, nothing turns voters off more than people getting together for a noble cause.”

Jay Leno: “Well, listen to this. According to a Pentagon report this week, more than 1,000 nuclear missile components in the US arsenal are lost and cannot be located. Huh? We can’t even find our own weapons of mass destruction.”

Jay Leno: “In their defense,” the “Air Force said today there is a big difference between something being missing and just not being able to find it, which would be okay if you’re talking about a pair of lost sunglasses!

Jay Leno: “Today, Ralph Nader attacked Barack Obama for refusing to accept public financing for his campaign and said that Obama was too closely tied to big business. … Yeah, then the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench said, ‘Shut up!’”

David Letterman: “President Bush has ordered…his troops now to find Osama bin Laden. Yep. Boy, he really jumped on that one, didn’t he?”

Conan O’Brien: “Last night, President Bush held a celebration at the White House honoring jazz. … Yeah. It was an awkward moment when Bush said, ‘This is great. It’s just like being in an elevator.’”