Loads of Laughs

Published on: 09:05AM Feb 13, 2009
Jay Leno: “Good news and bad news from FEMA. The bad news is FEMA says some of the disaster relief food they have may contain salmonella-tainted peanut butter.” The “good news” is that “since it’s FEMA, it will be years before it gets to anybody.”


Jay Leno: “Oh, here’s a bad sign. In Hawaii, a billion dollar Navy warship has run aground. They can’t get it unstuck. Its name? The ‘USS Economy.’”

Jay Leno: “And the jobless rate has jumped to 7.6%, the worst since 1974,” and economists are now “worried this could lead to a resurgence of disco.”

Jay Leno: “I tell you,” the “economy is in bad shape.” In fact, the “economy is so bad,” President Barack Obama’s “new slogan” is “‘Spare Change You Can Believe In.’”

Jay Leno: “The economy is so bad,” New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez “had to switch from steroids to Flintstone vitamins.”

Jay Leno: “And an elderly man in Boynton Beach, Florida, was arrested after he called 911 to report that the Burger King he was standing in had just run out of lemonade. … It is so sad to see what’s happened to John McCain since the election.”

David Letterman: “Anybody here” in New York for the Westminster Kennel Club dog show? Some unfortunate news. A “Jack Russell Terrier had to drop out because of tax problems.”

Conan O’Brien: “Things are winding down here on the ‘Late Night’ show. Only ten shows left, including tonight. … A lot has changed since I started the show. When we came on the air back in 1993,” the “Federal debt was $4 trillion.” Now, “$4 trillion is how much President Obama’s Cabinet owes in back taxes.”