Jay Leno: "Forget the Mayans. According to NASA, the world will not come to an end for another 4 billion years — or about the same time your 401k comes back."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Presidential primaries were held in California, Montana, New Jersey, New Mexico and South Dakota this week. Obama and Romney have already clinched their nominations. So Tuesday's primaries were mostly for people who really like stickers."
Jay Leno: "Rielle Hunter, the mother of John Edwards' love child, is releasing a new tell-all book this month. Haven't we heard enough? How about a shut-up book?"
Jay Leno: "Unemployment is still looking pretty bad. In fact, the White House has a new slogan on job creation: 'Hope and change the subject.'"