It’s written on the back of every over-the-counter medicine bottle, next to the shocking price sticker on exercise equipment and hidden somewhere in the terms of agreement the shopping list app you just downloaded: Consult Your Physician Before Using.
I know this is legal posterior protection, but I cannot imagine even a sitcom-like scenario where some label-reading health-fusspot not merely contacted, but miraculously engaged in conversation with a doctor to ask: “Is it OK for me to use SPF 23 sun protection while free soloing Denali?”
SUPREME COUNCIL OF PHARMACEUTERY
To begin with, doctors are forbidden by the Supreme Council of Pharmaceutery to communicate with any sentient being who has not been weighed. These are not the Dark Ages, after all.
Leaving aside the impaired risk judgment in this example, ponder the multiple layers of patient barricades that would have to be surmounted to hear a Hippocratic human voice: a minimum of 20 min. of identification and insurance verification, screening for any signs of blood pressure, temperature or birth date by the physician’s protective homeys and the random removal of garments in a room comfortable for a person in multiple sweaters and a lab coat.
This is optional if you’re on the phone at home, as in our hilariously unlikely Alaskan sunscreen scenario.
It’s important to consider the physician’s chain of thought when a “consultation” penetrates his office perimeter defenses. First, and most importantly, what the heck is the insurance billing code for low-oxygen sunscreen advice? What wacko Facebook medical myth is prompting this unwholesome request? Aren’t we about due to rename Denali again?
All these obstacles pale in comparison with the challenge of urgency ranking. To “consult your physician,” medical ethics require you prove yourself worthy by serving a respectful sentence of appointment anticipation. Generally, six months is the minimum amount of respect.
Because a consultation is rarely life-threatening, going to an emergency room to hasten the process will simply get you bounced back to the doctor’s phone queue after providing a few minutes of amusement for the ER staff.
ENTER DR. GOOGLE
What many of us have realized after arduous efforts to “consult your physician” is we can soothe those specious fears online. Conferring with Dr. Google is a good fallback option, unless you have actually fallen on your back.
Personally, I recommend The Mayo Clinic website. Any facility named for a medical pioneer who not only founded a world-class facility in the Scandinavian-infested hinterlands and formulated a major condiment must know what it’s doing.
