John Phipps: The Next Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread

We now have many popular sayings officially past their due date. For example, “sounds like a broken record” means nothing to downloaders. The same for “spring chicken” or “getting on a soap box” or “whatever” (well, I’m tired of it).

But the top candidate for replacement is “greatest thing since sliced bread.” It almost seems a joke to us, but pre-sliced bread was a breakthrough of light bulb proportions. 

In the early 20th century, no small part of a woman’s day — especially as the average family was about 14 then — was spent simply hacking at a loaf of bread. It was a tricky skill, requiring a serrated knife, just the right amount of pressure and a willingness to routinely gash a thumb.

IRREPLACEABLE INVENTION

The whole-loaf bread slicer triggered an almost overnight switch to sliced bread. It was good business as well, raising bread consumption and freeing up mothers for more time for laundry. 

This invention had almost no downside, costing no (paying) jobs and adding little to the price. With uniform slices and electricity, toasters replaced the incendiary bread-on-a-stick technique. 

It was a truly great thing.

With humankind now assuming bread is born in pieces, it’s time to get a new greatest thing. This is not as easy as it sounds. Sliced bread improved virtually every life in America. The next greatest thing should aim to replicate that success. My nominees:

Garage door openers. The hassle of getting out of the car to open a door, or making your fifth grader do it, soon made leaving the car in the driveway the easier path. Meanwhile, within two weeks, any room in the garage disappeared, replaced with overflow from basements and attics. While it was a leap forward, it lacks universal applicability. Also, too many syllables.

Internet/cell phones/computers. Scientists now calculate a 65% chance these are instruments of Satan, which rules them out for me.

Pert. Shampoo with conditioner premixed made for fewer shower bottles and misapplications but leaves out the follicly challenged.

We are left with one perfect choice: Pop-Tarts. Like sliced bread, it’s two syllables. They have similarly revolutionized breakfast. USDA is considering making them a food group. Who doesn’t like them?

They’re the greatest thing. You might have your own opinion on this. Send it to me at johnwphipps@gmail.com, and I’ll explain why you’re wrong.  

What do you get when you cross the intellect of an engineer, the heart of a  farmer and the charm of  a TV commentator? The  ever-witty John Phipps.