On today’s farms and ranches, the toughest conversations don’t always happen in the farm office. They happen with your spouse at the kitchen table or in the last few minutes before turning in for the night. That stress of farm life is constant, and it can easily spill over into your relationship.
To help couples navigate these everyday pressures, Sean Brotherson, family science specialist with North Dakota State University, and Kale Monk, associate professor of human development and family science at the University of Missouri share practical strategies couples can use to manage that stress together so they can stay connected, handle the pressures of the season and keep both their farm and their partnership running smoothly.
Where Does Stress Show Up?
Stress can show up in all sorts of everyday situations on the farm, often in ways that feel routine but can add pressure to a relationship. Here are some common areas where couples on farms and ranches may feel that tension:
- Planting, harvest and busy seasons often mean long days, leaving little time for meals together, errands or family activities.
- Taking an off-farm job can shift responsibilities at home, creating different role expectations than maybe what was expected.
- Weekend work or caring for children can make it hard to find time for meaningful moments to connect together like date nights or family meals.
As many know, these kinds of situations are a normal part of life on a farm. But catching stress early gives couples a chance to talk it out and deal with issues before they turn into bigger problems.
Tips for Staying Connected When Farm Life Gets Busy
When life on the farm gets hectic, it’s easy for stress to take over and for couples to drift apart without even realizing it. However, small everyday habits can help keep you connected even when life feels nonstop. Brotherson and Monk list 12 tips couples can use to stay connected and support each other while managing the demands of farm and family life.
Plan Together
“Set measurable goals together for a year from now, five years from now and your lifetime together,” Brotherson says. “Make decisions about time together in farming/ranching, other jobs or retirement. Then, focus on enjoying what you have decided to do.”
Planning together is a good first step, but keeping your connection strong takes daily check-ins and small ways of looking out for each other.
Check In Daily
“Look for and give attention to early indications of stress, such as a furrowed brow or a tense voice,” Brotherson says. “Respond with love and attention as needed.”
Express Appreciation
“Take time daily to state one item you appreciate about your partner,” Brotherson says.
Showing gratitude isn’t just about being polite. Taking the time to notice and acknowledge the little things your partner does can make both of you feel more connected, appreciated and supported.
“When your partner does something you appreciate, it’s vital to express gratitude,” Monk adds. “This makes partners feel valued and helps us see how we can keep pleasing each other.”
Use Clear Communication
“In talking, use ‘I’ statements more than ‘you’ statements,” Brotherson says. “Your partner will likely not change if you argue, ‘You’re always wanting to buy something else!’ Instead, try using an ‘I’ statement, like ‘I get worried and angry when I hear you wanting to buy a new piece of equipment. What I’d like is for the two of us to sit down and decide together which major purchases we can afford.’”
Listen Carefully
“Especially on serious matters, it is important to listen well and help your partner feel they have been heard and understood,” Brotherson notes. “Listen so that you can repeat back to your partner’s satisfaction what she or he says and feels. Focus on listening without being upset or defensive.”
Be Flexible With Roles
“Letting others do things you usually do and adjusting your expectations when necessary can reduce pressures,” Brotherson adds. “Share the responsibility of things such as family chores, cooking or kid care.”
Schedule Time to Talk
“When problems arise, schedule time for the two of you to brainstorm and discuss ideas,” Brotherson says. “Weigh the costs and benefits of each solution. Arrive at a plan that enables both of you to get something you want.”
Set Aside Time as a Couple
“To keep your marriage or partnership growing, take a break from the work, the children or other distractions. If it helps, make it a rule to talk about only yourselves as a couple and not about the farm or ranch operation.”
Taking that time together doesn’t have to be serious. Making it fun can make it even more meaningful.
“The more ridiculous or fun the activity, the better, in my opinion,” Monk adds. “Do something that makes both of you laugh and enjoy each other’s company.”
Use Social Media Sparingly
Social media can be a great way to stay connected with friends and family or share pride and appreciation for your partner. But it can also create stress, spark jealousy or make us compare our lives to the polished versions others post online.“If we try to ‘keep up’, these artificially positive glimpses into other people’s lives can leave us feeling discouraged and resentful. Becoming consumed by social media and posting excessively can indicate growing insecurity in ourselves or our relationships.”
Laugh Together
On a farm, the days are long and there’s always something demanding your attention. Brotherson suggests taking a few minutes to laugh at a small mistake or a silly moment to lighten the mood and get through the day.“Remember, always being serious is stressful while laughter reduces stress,” Brotherson says. “Watch a funny movie, share funny stories or find other ways to laugh.”
Celebrate Milestones
“Celebrate your anniversary, birthday, the arrival of a new foal or calf, getting the field planted before the rain and other milestones. Take joy in your lives together,” Brotherson says.
Don’t be Afraid to Ask for Help
Every relationship is unique, Monk says, and what works for one couple may not work for another. Partners have different needs and respond differently depending on their background, culture or experiences. If you ever feel unsure about handling challenges on your own, consider seeking therapy or counseling.“Remember that therapy is not only for troubled relationships,” Monk adds. “Therapy can help preserve relationship happiness and prevent problems before significant conflicts arise.”
Build a Strong Partnership Over Time
Stress is a normal part of farm life. However, couples who practice daily communication, show appreciation and remain flexible often find they are better equipped to handle the pressures that come with farming or ranching.
By being intentional about their relationship, farm couples are better able to handle the busy seasons, the hard days and the everyday demands of agriculture while keeping their relationship just as much of a priority as the work.
