Grief is hard. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, a way of life, or even a dream, the pain of losing something we care about is an inevitable part of being human. However, that doesn’t make grief any easier to walk through.
On May 23, 2024, Nathan Isler lost his father, Bill, to a stroke. The man who was greater than life to him, was no longer by his side every day on their family pork and grain operation. The loss that everyone who loved him felt was undeniable.
“I don’t know how people deal with grief without faith. If you think death is just the end, it’s a hard thing to deal with,” Isler says. “For me, the toughest part is the loss of those moments where I wish he was there to talk to about things.”
In Isler’s mind, grief is more of a feeling than a definition. In the simplest of terms, he says it’s disappointment in life not going the way you want it to – not getting the answers you hoped for or not having the person you want to be there.
But grief, as painful as it feels, is also a process that can open the door to growth and resilience.
“It is impossible to live without experiencing pain at some point in our lives,” says Jorge Estrada, Global Coaching Alliance Latin America lead. “Life and pain go hand in hand. They’re part of the great dichotomies: black and white, day and night, life and death, love and pain.”
Pain isn’t an interruption to life, it’s a thread woven through it, Estrada adds. At the same time, grief isn’t a sign of weakness or failure. It’s evidence of our capacity to love deeply and to heal, even after profound loss.
Understanding Grief
“Grief hurts,” agrees Gina Forte, an expert in thanatology which is the study of death, loss and the processes that follow. “When we love someone or something, we become attached to it. The more we love, the more it hurts to lose.”
But that hurt has a purpose. Grief is an adaptive emotional process, a way to make sense of loss and find balance again, she adds. Knowing it’s a process helps people move forward.
“Perseverance is a necessity in life,” Isler says. “Life goes on. You can’t stop. You can’t lose your potential or your life. Putting my head down and getting work done – being productive – has helped me during this time.”
He says there is something healing about setting goals and pushing forward.
“Getting in your own head too much allows the grief to multiply,” Isler adds. “For me, being able to have wins and accomplish goals promotes healing.”
Forte says that’s the function of grief – to restore and heal.
“When we don’t allow ourselves to process it, grief can become unhealthy or even pathological,” she says.
From Shock to Acceptance
When loss hits, no one is ready to understand or accept it fully. The stages of grief all play a key role in the process. Forte outlined the seven stages of grief:
Grief isn’t a straight line, she says. Sometimes people circle back to the same stage again, but the visits grow shorter over time.
One day, one of Isler’s dad’s friends showed him a video of his dad swinging on a rope at a retreat not long before he passed away.
“I don’t know what, but something triggered inside me – to see that youthfulness and joy he always had,” Isler says. “It’s hard to predict what will trigger different parts of the grief process. I have found that the return to different stages gets quicker as you move on.”
On the Other Side of Loss
The resilience that emerges on the other side of loss makes us stronger people, Estrada says. In short, it’s not just surviving hardship, it’s being transformed by it.
Estrada defines resilience as the ability to navigate change, understand grief, learn, let go, and create a new reality—one that carries a better version of ourselves into the next stage of life.
“Everything you do in life changes who you are a little bit,” Isler says. “I’ve learned more about who my dad was to so many. I’ve learned not everyone has a role model like him. I hope I can live up to the example he set for my kids.”
Studies show one of the strongest predictors of resilience is having loving and supportive relationships that offer trust, encouragement and security through the grief process.
For Isler, living next door to his mom, who has been living with dementia for several years, has put him in a unique situation. Sharing stories about his dad with his mom has been especially healing.
“My mom has always been someone I could talk to easily,” Isler says. “I’ve used her as a map to put it all out there because she isn’t grieving the way the rest of us are. She knows dad isn’t around, but it doesn’t all connect for her like it does for us. When I talk about dad with her, it does nothing but bring joy to her.”
Get Off the Island
Everyone deals with grief at some point, Isler says. Maybe it’s grief from the loss of a loved one, but for farmers, grief could stem from a terrible financial situation on the farm or the loss of a business you’ve built your life around.
“For all the people who think they are alone, it’s just not the case,” he says. “We all deal with grief, and we all deal with it differently. A lot of times we put ourselves on an island – especially in our industry.”
Farmers – especially men – are some of the worst about talking about their feelings, Isler says.
“We are tough guys. We get the work done and go on,” he says. “But it helps to talk about it. Let people show up for you or go find someone to talk to if they don’t know what you are going through.”
When Isler’s sister told him that what helped her in the grief process was being around him, he was taken aback a little.
“She said I reminded her of dad and was a lot like him, that being around me made it easier not having dad around anymore,” he says. “To me, that’s the best compliment I’ve ever received.”
