Stock show moms can’t be put in a box. From the mom who can feed barrows better than anyone in the barn to the mom who always has the best snacks for the kids, and from the mom who takes all the pictures to the mom who listens to everyone’s problems, it takes all kinds to make the show go on.
Emily Spray, a stock show mom of three from Indiana, says there is no shortage of lessons learned at stock shows. One of the most valuable she has learned from being a stock show mom is humility. If it’s not the animals, it’s the kids who humble you, she laughs.
“The other day I saw a picture of a house with a long row of hydrangea bushes,” Spray says. “The owner was discouraged because there was only one bloom on that whole row of bushes. The owner said, ‘I’ve been fertilizing them the same way. I’ve been watering them the same way. They’ve all been tended to the same way. But I’m only getting one bloom on that bush.’”
Spray relates this to showing livestock and raising kids.
“We’re not just going to dig out all the bushes and plant something else,” Spray says. “We’re going to keep at it. We’re going to keep going. Sometimes when we’ve got these kids who have big goals, there’s a lot of stress, competitiveness and goals being made. You’re doing the right things. You’re walking them all the same, feeding them all the same, but you’re not getting those blooms.”
Motherhood is about teaching kids to keep doing the next right thing. And someday, Spray adds, they might have more blooms on all those bushes.
“Keeping things in perspective is a valuable lesson,” she says. “Being able to change, adapt and edit as you go is important because there’s not always one right answer.”
Sometimes It’s Not Your Turn
Disappointments inevitably come when goals aren’t reached or hard things happen. Spray recalls a story about one of their best Hampshire gilts before the state fair.
“I’ll never forget when my husband Craig and daughter Makayla walked in from the barn,” she says. “I could tell there was something wrong.”
The gilt had shucked her hair. Because she had a thin belt to begin with, they knew the gilt would likely not be eligible to show as a Hampshire according to breed requirements.
During breed checks, the gilt didn’t pass. As she and Makayla walked out of the ring, Spray says she had to initiate another conversation to shift both of their perspectives.
“That week there was a family who had some teenagers coming to the state fair when they were in an awful wreck on the interstate,” Spray says. “There we were complaining we weren’t passing a breed check, but there was another family just down the road fighting for their life in the hospital. As hard as it was to say, ‘Okay, this is what we really wanted,’ we had to think about keeping the big things the big things.”
Sometimes it’s your turn, and sometimes it’s not, Spray says.
“In that moment it wasn’t Makayla’s turn,” she says. “Instead, she had a front row seat to the Hampshire show. It wasn’t from the middle of the ring like she wanted, but she sat in the front row and watched the entire show. Those are the moments that put that drive and desire in your heart – being so close to getting that goal – to come back and try again.”
Stop Comparing
New York Times bestselling author Shauna Niequist says, “You can compare and you can connect, but you cannot do both.”
Spray believes one of the biggest challenges parents face right now are social media highlight reels.
“So many of our kids are seeing all the wins, all the kids who are having success at all the shows across the nation,” she says. “That wasn’t a thing when we were kids. We saw who won the open show when we were there that day in living color. These kids are constantly seeing everyone’s highlight reel, so it’s easy for them in that moment to stop and compare themselves.”
Spray wants to challenge people – kids and parents alike – to reframe that moment to connection instead.
“The best way to stop comparing is to find ways to connect,” she says. “I think there’s a lot of disconnect when it comes to being friends on social media. Have you ever had a conversation with that person? Do you know anything more than what you’re seeing on a screen about that person? How can you really get to know them?”
A few years ago, she had a t-shirt made for state fair that said, “You can’t compete with me.”
“When you read that first line, you think, ‘Oh, well, that’s kind of proud.’ But the second line said, ‘I want you to win, too.’ When I wore that shirt, it confused a lot of people,” Spray says.
She remembers one dad who was particularly bothered by her shirt. He finally came up at the end of the day and asked her about it.
“He said, ‘What do you mean? You don’t want your kid to win?’ I said, ‘Absolutely, I want my kid to win. But if you look at any other kid in this barn, it’s not like they just threw their pig on the trailer and decided to come to a show,” she says. “All of these kids have put in so many hours of work. And you know what? If your kid gets to win today, I’m going to clap for them, and I’m going to be happy for them.”
Keep the Big Things Big
The show barn is filled with people who share many common interests. It’s where true friendships are forged. For Spray, it’s worth remembering that as she strives to keep the big things big and the little things little.
“What are your big things? What is most important for you as a family?” she asks. “Is it winning a banner? Is it developing character? Is it enjoying what you’re doing? I think it looks different for every family, but taking that time to decide what means the most for your family is key to not letting all the other stuff get in the way.”
Even though it’s easy to judge others by what you see on the outside, Spray says the truth is that no mom has it all figured out.
“Look for that mom who’s in the season ahead of you,” she says. “Invite her to coffee and talk with her about the things she’s going through. That has been valuable for me, because when you’re in the thick of it – when you’re in the weeds and you can’t see beyond one day to the next – it’s helpful to have somebody who’s already paved that path ahead of you.”
Listen to The PORK Podcast to find out how Spray’s social media persona, The Funny Fair Mom, came to be, why she chooses to redirect when life gets stressful, and helpful hacks every show family needs to know before state fair season. Watch this episode on YouTube or listen anywhere podcasts are found.
